Dogma quotes

View Quote Don't run! Don't run! Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes! Oh, and you! And one to grow on! (people are punctuated by gunshots)

View Quote How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass.

View Quote One of the drawbacks to being a martyr is that you have to die.

View Quote Metatron: As I was saying, prior to your fire-fighting episode, I am the Metatron. (he pauses dramatically; Bethany gapes at him.) ... Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. (Bethany shakes her head.) You people; if there isn't a movie about it it's not worth knowing, is it? I am a seraphim! (Bethany gapes again.) The highest choir of angels? (more gaping.) You do know what an angel is, don't you?!

View Quote Metatron: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was borne by the Angel of Death, name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed, that was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie, that was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because he listened to his friend, a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
Bethany: "Grigori"?
Metatron: One of the choirs of angels. They're called "Watchers"--guess what they do. So, one day Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt--
Bethany: Ah, the Tenth Plague.
Metatron: Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted? Once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into a discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take one that doesn't involve slaughter. So... very inebriated... Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us, since from that day forward God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol, hence all the spitting. [Indicates the once-empty shot glass that he's been spitting Tequila into] So, for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity.
Bethany: And this has what to do with me?
Metatron: Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to re-enter Heaven.
Bethany: So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
Metatron: It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now, listen closely, because this bit's very important. Existence, in all its form and splendor, functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove Him wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence, if they're allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.
Bethany: If this is so big and important, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something?
Metatron: He could, but He'd rather watch you handle this one personally.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because of who you are.
Bethany: And who am I?
Metatron: The girl in the pj's! Don't ask so many questions; just serve your purpose!
Bethany: I think I'm gonna have to pass.
Metatron: I beg your pardon?
Bethany: When some quiet little infection came and destroyed my uterus, where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children, where was God? (scoffs) The hell with Him.
Metatron: Don't allow eons of history and life to be blinked out of being just because you have a grudge with your creator! So you lost the ability to make life; you're being given the chance to play "Mother" to the world by acting like one and protecting it. Saving it! ...But I can't make you. However, if you do choose to stop being selfish and uphold your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. (mumbling into tequila glass) In a manner of speaking. (back to normal volume) Two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one--well, he's the quiet type.

View Quote Jay: I'm going back to Jersey and start up the business again. I can kick the shit out of little kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit.
voice of Metatron (flashback): Prophets. Two of 'em.
Bethany: You've got to be kidding me.

View Quote [Bethany's car has broken down on the side of the road after Jay drove too fast in first gear.]
Jay: (to Silent Bob) Dude, she ****ing pissed! She's never gonna **** us now! Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. You know how she is.
Bethany: Nobody is ****ing me! You got that?! I don't know what I was thinking in that diner, but seeing as I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, sorry about the convenience and goodbye.
[Bethany begins to walk off.]
Jay: You breakin' up with us? [Bethany continues walking off.] Who the hell do you think you are, lady?! [Jay and Silent Bob walk after her.] You can't go around breaking people's hearts like that! I fell in love with you! WE fell in love with you! Guys like us just don't fall out of the ****ing sky, you know! [Just then, a man falls right in between Jay, Bob and Bethany.] (to the sky) Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't just fall out of the sky, you know!

View Quote Rufus: What are you doing stripping?
Serendipity: Well, you remember why I left, right?
Rufus: You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.
Serendipity: So, I opted to quit being a muse. I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to seek my fortune.
Bethany: So what happened?
Serendipity: ... Writer's block. Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Bethany: Whose?
Serendipity: God's.
Bethany: You're saying God's a woman?
Serendipity: Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
Bethany: He's always referred to as "He".
Serendipity: Well, that's not the way I wrote it. But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. The people that held the pens added their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. So "She" became a "He".

View Quote (Bartleby, traveling as "Barry", has struck up a conversation with Bethany in a train's club car.)
Bartleby: You're divorced.
Bethany: That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped.
Bartleby: I was, uh, dumped once.
Bethany: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, "Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
Bartleby: And you, uh, wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Bethany: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bartleby: When actually, it, uh, it hurts more.
Bethany: You know what we need?
Bartleby: What do we need?
Bethany: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.

View Quote Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the god damn planet, why was I tapped?
Rufus: ...Imagine you're a twelve year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son. But more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, I don't know, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age twelve to thirty- twelve to thirty. Now that's some pretty bad storytelling. Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing eighteen years? I'll tell you where- they were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of e****enical politics.
Bethany: You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy to cover up the truth about Christ. [is responded to with silence] ...Bullshit. Any important information about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why would they leave any of it out?
Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with his family.
Bethany: His mother and father?
Rufus: His brothers and sisters.
Bethany: Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch, this is true - but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Birth-- those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? That's just plain gullibility!
Bethany: Meaning?
Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two, at the genetic level, with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandniece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: ... So, that would make Bethany part black?

View Quote Jay: Get off of me, I wanna see what's going on! What the **** is this shit?! (to God) Who the **** are you, lady?! (to Rufus & Serendipity) Why the **** did you hug my head?!
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there? (God nods.)
Jay: What the **** is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the **** does that mean?! Has everyone gone ****ing nuts?! What the **** happened to that guy's head?!!

View Quote Let it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results!

View Quote Hey, what better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied, thanks to you?

View Quote Last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. We can do the next best thing, let's kill people. (to terrified woman in the elevator) No, not you.

View Quote I'm talking about Divine Justice here. I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked.