The 40 Year-Old Virgin quotes

View Quote Andy: She has three kids and one of her kids has a kid.
[Cal starts coughing on his marijuana]
Andy: You all right?
Cal: Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: So, so she's a grandma.
Andy: No.
Cal: I'm not a doctor or anything like that but she's a ****ing grandma.
Andy: Yeah, whatever, you know.
Cal: She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.
Andy: Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma!
Cal: That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy: Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to **** Jack Palance right now.

View Quote Jay: Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who's falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.
Andy: I drive a bike.
Jay: Okay, Mr. Schwinn-****ing-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
Andy: You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.
Cal: Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're ****ing six!

View Quote [after Andy tells him he's going to tell Trish he's a virgin] You should totally tell her, man...'Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was "Don't lie."...and that was a smart movie.

View Quote Cal: Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.
Andy: I'm a virgin.
Cal: "Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
Andy: What if she laughs at me though?
Cal: Then you punch her in the ****in' head if she laughs!
Andy: I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
Cal: No, you punch her in the ****in' head emotionally.

View Quote [Cal angrily flicks David in the nuts after refusing to talk to Bernadette]
David: Did you just flick me in the nuts?
Cal: No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where you're nuts used to be.
[Flicks him again]
David: Ow! Quit flickin' my balls man!
Cal: Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts!
[Cal slaps him in the face]
David: Oh!
[punches David in the shoulder]
David: Okay.
[tugs on David's ear]
David: Well played, sir.

View Quote [To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number 1 ask questions, don't say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you're just gonna let them do that. 2 be cool and 3 be kind of a dick. Look be like David Caruso in "Jade".

View Quote You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal.

View Quote [at a bachelorette party]
Jay: [using a Black dildo as a phone] Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
Cal: [Holding up a blue and white striped dildo] Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."
Andy: [holds up a penis shaped cake tray] Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
Nicky: I do!
Cal: She does!
Andy: Hey, you guys, Betty ****er!

View Quote [Andy is getting his chest waxed and gets wax over his nipple]
Andy: Hold my hand.
Cal: What?! No.
Andy: Hold my god damn hand, man!
[girl tears off the patch]
Andy: Nipple ****!!

View Quote You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's... and you feel it and... it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.

View Quote It's not about the shit stained balls, and the dirty sanchez!

View Quote [David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain and it's...you know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.

View Quote You're making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named 'Pussalia' and what you're doing is that you're psyching yourself into to thinking that it's some impossible feat.

View Quote Nicky: I'm starving, let's get some ****in' french toast!

View Quote Andy: [referring to his shirt] Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?
Cal: No. What's Curious George like in real life?