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[David and Cal are playing "Mortal Kombat: Deception." Dave is Baraka, while Cal is Sub-Zero]
Cal: You're gay now?
David: No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.
Cal: That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like there's this, and then in a year it's like "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: [Laughing] Oh, I'm gay for saying that.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
[Cal loses first match; screen cuts to video game footage of Baraka tearing Sub-Zero in half]
Cal: Aw, shit. Ow. Dude, at least leave my torso alone.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?
[David loses second match and smokes a bowl; screen cuts to video game footage of Sub-Zero's fatality]
David: God damn it!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body. (shouts) **** you!
David: Arr.
Cal: You're gay now?
David: No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.
Cal: That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like there's this, and then in a year it's like "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: [Laughing] Oh, I'm gay for saying that.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
[Cal loses first match; screen cuts to video game footage of Baraka tearing Sub-Zero in half]
Cal: Aw, shit. Ow. Dude, at least leave my torso alone.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?
[David loses second match and smokes a bowl; screen cuts to video game footage of Sub-Zero's fatality]
David: God damn it!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body. (shouts) **** you!
David: Arr.
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Jill: Are you Andy?
Andy: Uhh, yeah.
Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card..
Andy: Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy: Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?
Andy: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho, for show.
Jill: You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
Andy: Who the--Who the **** are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?
Jill: That's how you talk?
Andy: You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man, **** it!
Jill: You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.
Andy: You should keep your ho on a leash.
Jay: Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
Andy: Hey, hey, hey, bitches is runnin' wild, man.
Andy: Uhh, yeah.
Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card..
Andy: Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy: Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?
Andy: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho, for show.
Jill: You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
Andy: Who the--Who the **** are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?
Jill: That's how you talk?
Andy: You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man, **** it!
Jill: You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.
Andy: You should keep your ho on a leash.
Jay: Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
Andy: Hey, hey, hey, bitches is runnin' wild, man.
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[Mooj has found out Andy is a virgin; extended DVD version]
Mooj: Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?
Andy: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!
Andy: Yeah, life's about passion.
Mooj: It's not about ****ing and balls and pussy. It's about love.
Andy: {sighs}
Mooj: It's about people. It's about connection.
Andy: (nodding) It's all about connections.
Mooj: It's not about tossing salad. It's not about **** and ass and tits.
Andy: (uncomfortable) Hm-hmm.
Mooj: And butt hole pleasures.
Andy: It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.
Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or pussy juice ****tails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
Andy: (scared) OK. I, y'know, double pussies and--
Mooj: Shit stained balls, and **** swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator **** house, donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--
Andy: Mooj, just please stop.
Mooj: Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?
Andy: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!
Andy: Yeah, life's about passion.
Mooj: It's not about ****ing and balls and pussy. It's about love.
Andy: {sighs}
Mooj: It's about people. It's about connection.
Andy: (nodding) It's all about connections.
Mooj: It's not about tossing salad. It's not about **** and ass and tits.
Andy: (uncomfortable) Hm-hmm.
Mooj: And butt hole pleasures.
Andy: It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.
Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or pussy juice ****tails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
Andy: (scared) OK. I, y'know, double pussies and--
Mooj: Shit stained balls, and **** swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator **** house, donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--
Andy: Mooj, just please stop.
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Andy: You guys, she's picking me up in a hour.
David: Oh, drag, dude.
Cal: She's picking you up from here?
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: That's ****ed up, man.
Andy: Why?
Cal: Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"
Andy: So what?
Cal: And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.
Andy: Okay.
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's Boss?
Andy: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal: Well, that may be the case, but none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy: You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
David: Oh, drag, dude.
Cal: She's picking you up from here?
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: That's ****ed up, man.
Andy: Why?
Cal: Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"
Andy: So what?
Cal: And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.
Andy: Okay.
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's Boss?
Andy: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal: Well, that may be the case, but none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy: You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
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[the night after Jay gets Andy a hooker who turns out to be a transvestite]
Jay: Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?
Andy: Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.
Jay: So you have no proof.
Jay: Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?
Andy: Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.
Jay: So you have no proof.
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Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
Mooj:I'm sick of your cry-baby bullshit.
Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
Mooj: Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
Jay: Look, listen to me. You are ****ing with the wrong ****.
Mooj: Hey! You're ****ing with the wrong sand-****, okay?
Jay: Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Turban now? Do you see any ****ing turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?" **** you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a ****ing Brooklyn accent, okay?! Okay?!
Mooj:I'm sick of your cry-baby bullshit.
Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
Mooj: Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
Jay: Look, listen to me. You are ****ing with the wrong ****.
Mooj: Hey! You're ****ing with the wrong sand-****, okay?
Jay: Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Turban now? Do you see any ****ing turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?" **** you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a ****ing Brooklyn accent, okay?! Okay?!
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David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How am I gay?
David: You've seen Rent three times.
Cal: Being able to appreciate music, dance, and doin' guys in the ass is not the same thing.
David: Yeah, but all three of those things comprise the movie Rent.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Two words: fanny pack.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You're wearing baby blue track pants.
David: Yeah, I gave that to you, actually. You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You tried to put a glory hole in the bathroom at SmartTech.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You look at me sometimes in a certain way.
David Hm-m-m.
Cal: And you're just, you're lip quivers.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Cal: Look's gay.
David: Well it's just 'cause you seem nice.
David: You know how I knew you were gay?
Cal: How'd you know I was gay?
David: You gave a reach around when you mounted me.
Cal: That's just considerate, okay? That's not gay.
David: You Know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David You put your penis inside of guy's assholes.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: Your dick tastes like shit.
Cal: How am I gay?
David: You've seen Rent three times.
Cal: Being able to appreciate music, dance, and doin' guys in the ass is not the same thing.
David: Yeah, but all three of those things comprise the movie Rent.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Two words: fanny pack.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You're wearing baby blue track pants.
David: Yeah, I gave that to you, actually. You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You tried to put a glory hole in the bathroom at SmartTech.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You look at me sometimes in a certain way.
David Hm-m-m.
Cal: And you're just, you're lip quivers.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Cal: Look's gay.
David: Well it's just 'cause you seem nice.
David: You know how I knew you were gay?
Cal: How'd you know I was gay?
David: You gave a reach around when you mounted me.
Cal: That's just considerate, okay? That's not gay.
David: You Know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David You put your penis inside of guy's assholes.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: Your dick tastes like shit.
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Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman ****in' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking "Oh, a woman ****in' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.
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[After being accused by Jay's girlfriend about writing rude comments on his speed dating card] Look, who the **** are you to put me on trial, I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, and stop with the inquisition? Ya know what, I don't have to answer to you you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So shit, man, **** it. You should keep your ho on a leash. Hey, bitches be runnin' wild, man.
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Operator: Hotline.
Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
Operator: You know, you could have sex.
Andy: Okay. Yup.
Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
Andy: Really? That'd work?
Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.
Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
Operator: You know, you could have sex.
Andy: Okay. Yup.
Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
Andy: Really? That'd work?
Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.
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Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad, though.
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You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.
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All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches."
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[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, **** her on her plastic-covered couch...**** her while she's watching "Murder She Wrote". She would probably find that very erotic...**** her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.
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David: You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren't two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can't-can't describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.
Jay: Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit!
Jay: Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit!