He's a really nice guy and all but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.

[referring to letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...

You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you fuck the plant!

I'll tell you who's the hottest. Now you're gonna think I'm crazy when I tell you this; Gina. I can't get Gina outta' my head. I'm gonna be thinking of Gina all week.

I hired a 90-Ib girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-Ib guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk. Do you realize that the 300 pound guy would kick my ass if he knew why he wasn't hired?

[To Amy] You need to stop fuckin' around with my friend because your giving him hope and it's driving the man crazy!

Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin' a horse. And you get there and you're thinking "Oh, a woman fuckin' a horse." And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.

Screw these analogies, okay? What he's saying is that you are gonna be so bad at sex the first time that you don't wanna have sex with someone you like, 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. So you wanna have sex with "hood rats" so that by the time you get to a girl that you do like, you won't be terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it. [pause] Probably still pretty bad, though.

Looks aren't important. Look at me. Really look at me. I am ugly as fuck, by traditional standards, but I still get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?

[To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number 1 ask questions, don't say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you're just gonna let them do that. 2 be cool and 3 be kind of a dick. Look be like David Caruso in "Jade".

[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, fuck her on her plastic-covered couch...fuck her while she's watching "Murder She Wrote". She would probably find that very erotic...fuck her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.

Because I observe things, because I am a novelist.

[reading his novel aloud while typing it] "But dad..I don't know how to love..you never taught..taaaught me how.."

[after Andy tells him he's going to tell Trish he's a virgin] You should totally tell her, man...'Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was "Don't lie."...and that was a smart movie.

You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.