'm a virgin. I always have been.

Andy's college girlfriend: [after accidentally kicking her in the face during foreplay] I'm hot! But, now, you can't have any of this. You should just give up forever!

Joe: [About Andy] That boy need to get *laid*!

Mark: [Finding Andy on Trish's bed with a dozen condoms open] Dude, teach me!

Motorist: Get the fuck out of the road virgin!

Nicky: Do you think I'm pretty?

Nicky: I'm starving, let's get some fuckin' french toast!

Nicky: [Driving drunk, nearly hits another car] That fucker came out of nowhere!

Paula: I'm very discreet...but I'll haunt your dreams..

Paula: [About David's video camera antics] He's performing a public colonscopy. Isn't that sweet?

Andy: She has three kids and one of her kids has a kid.
[Cal starts coughing on his marijuana]
Andy: You all right?
Cal: Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: So, so she's a grandma.
Andy: No.
Cal: I'm not a doctor or anything like that but she's a fucking grandma.
Andy: Yeah, whatever, you know.
Cal: She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.
Andy: Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma!
Cal: That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy: Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.

Andy: Wow, this place is crowded.
David: Yeah, well, you know, nine dollar beer night.

Andy: You guys, she's picking me up in a hour.
David: Oh, drag, dude.
Cal: She's picking you up from here?
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: That's fucked up, man.
Andy: Why?
Cal: Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"
Andy: So what?
Cal: And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.
Andy: Okay.
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's Boss?
Andy: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal: Well, that may be the case, but none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy: You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.

Andy: [referring to his shirt] Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?
Cal: No. What's Curious George like in real life?

Cal: Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.
Andy: I'm a virgin.
Cal: "Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
Andy: What if she laughs at me though?
Cal: Then you punch her in the fuckin' head if she laughs!
Andy: I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
Cal: No, you punch her in the fuckin' head emotionally.