'm a virgin. I always have been.

I've borked a lot of women in my day.

Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?

I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm putting my bike in it.

[high pitched voice] Me so horny. Me love you long time.

I may not have had sex but I'll fuck you up!...Y-yeah!

[Andy painting his action figure] And now I am going to make your silver pants blue.

You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them!

[After crashing through a billboard on his bike] There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.

You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's... and you feel it and... it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.

Is this that movie about babies that are geniuses?

Hey, enjoy that orange.

Yup. She was a ho. [Pause] For sho.

[After being accused by Jay's girlfriend about writing rude comments on his speed dating card] Look, who the fuck are you to put me on trial, I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, and stop with the inquisition? Ya know what, I don't have to answer to you you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So shit, man, fuck it. You should keep your ho on a leash. Hey, bitches be runnin' wild, man.

[When he gets in the fight with Trish] Okay, first of all I'm not in the stockroom anymore, I'm a floor manager.

[drunk] I need some poooon!

[drinking punch from glass shaped like Buddha] Buddha punch. I need some Buddha.