David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How am I gay?
David: You've seen Rent three times.
Cal: Being able to appreciate music, dance, and doin' guys in the ass is not the same thing.
David: Yeah, but all three of those things comprise the movie Rent.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Two words: fanny pack.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You're wearing baby blue track pants.
David: Yeah, I gave that to you, actually. You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You tried to put a glory hole in the bathroom at SmartTech.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You look at me sometimes in a certain way.
David Hm-m-m.
Cal: And you're just, you're lip quivers.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Cal: Look's gay.
David: Well it's just 'cause you seem nice.
David: You know how I knew you were gay?
Cal: How'd you know I was gay?
David: You gave a reach around when you mounted me.
Cal: That's just considerate, okay? That's not gay.
David: You Know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David You put your penis inside of guy's assholes.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: Your dick tastes like shit.

David: You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren't two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can't-can't describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.
Jay: Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit!

Ebay store customer: So, I guess I'll just give you some money, and you can give me these shoes and--
Trish: You know, I know it seems so strange--
Ebay store customer: Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.
Trish: Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but--
Ebay store customer: I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them.

Jay: Dude, are you gay?
Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys. I'm cool. I got friends who fuck guys, in jail.

Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
Mooj:I'm sick of your cry-baby bullshit.
Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
Mooj: Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
Jay: Look, listen to me. You are fucking with the wrong nigger.
Mooj: Hey! You're fucking with the wrong sand-nigger, okay?
Jay: Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Turban now? Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay?! Okay?!

Jay: Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who's falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.
Andy: I drive a bike.
Jay: Okay, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
Andy: You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.
Cal: Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're fucking six!

Jay: [holding a pair of baby shoes] Mooj, you done seen my son, you know his foot's gonna be bigger than this.
Mooj: If that baby looks Pakistani, don't fuckin' look at me, okay?
Jay: I wouldn't mind! You got good genes! How old are you? What, 138?
Mooj: When your son is born, is he already in parole?

Jill: Are you Andy?
Andy: Uhh, yeah.
Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card..
Andy: Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy: Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?
Andy: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho, for show.
Jill: You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
Andy: Who the--Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?
Jill: That's how you talk?
Andy: You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man, fuck it!
Jill: You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.
Andy: You should keep your ho on a leash.
Jay: Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
Andy: Hey, hey, hey, bitches is runnin' wild, man.

Operator: Hotline.
Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
Operator: You know, you could have sex.
Andy: Okay. Yup.
Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
Andy: Really? That'd work?
Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.

Trish: What is this, your roofie, your date drug?
Andy: It's a Mentos. They're the fresh-maker.

[after kissing Andy while driving drunk]
Nicky: That tasted good!
Andy: That tasted like shellfish.

[Andy is getting his chest waxed and gets wax over his nipple]
Andy: Hold my hand.
Cal: What?! No.
Andy: Hold my god damn hand, man!
[girl tears off the patch]
Andy: Nipple fuck!!

[at a bachelorette party]
Jay: [using a Black dildo as a phone] Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
Cal: [Holding up a blue and white striped dildo] Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."
Andy: [holds up a penis shaped cake tray] Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
Nicky: I do!
Cal: She does!
Andy: Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker!

[at the Date-A-Palooza]
Girl: Hi!
Andy: Hi, how are you?
Girl: I'm fine.
Andy: Are you fine?
Girl: Yeah.
Andy: You're fine then.
Girl: Are you fuckin' retarded?! What the hell's the matter with you?!
Andy: Do you want me to be fuckin' retarded?

[Beth and Andy are drunk at her place]
Andy: You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
Beth: Yes! Let's have sex.
Andy: It's going to happen.
Beth: That's why we are here.
Andy: That's totally what's going to happen.
Beth: We could do it in the butt, if you want to.
Andy: But, if I want to what?
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But what? What?
Beth: Do it.
Andy: Do it?
Beth: What?
Andy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But, what?
Beth: What?
Andy: But, it still feels so right.