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The 40 Year-Old Virgin

The 40 Year-Old Virgin quotes

103 total quotes


David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How am I gay?
David: You've seen Rent three times.
Cal: Being able to appreciate music, dance, and doin' guys in the ass is not the same thing.
David: Yeah, but all three of those things comprise the movie Rent.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Two words: fanny pack.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You're wearing baby blue track pants.
David: Yeah, I gave that to you, actually. You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You tried to put a glory hole in the bathroom at SmartTech.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You look at me sometimes in a certain way.
David Hm-m-m.
Cal: And you're just, you're lip quivers.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Cal: Look's gay.
David: Well it's just 'cause you seem nice.
David: You know how I knew you were gay?
Cal: How'd you know I was gay?
David: You gave a reach around when you mounted me.
Cal: That's just considerate, okay? That's not gay.
David: You Know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David You put your penis inside of guy's assholes.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: Your dick tastes like shit.

David: You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren't two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can't-can't describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.
Jay: Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit!

Ebay store customer: So, I guess I'll just give you some money, and you can give me these shoes and--
Trish: You know, I know it seems so strange--
Ebay store customer: Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.
Trish: Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but--
Ebay store customer: I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them.

Jay: Dude, are you gay?
Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to **** guys. I'm cool. I got friends who **** guys, in jail.

Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
Mooj:I'm sick of your cry-baby bullshit.
Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
Mooj: Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
Jay: Look, listen to me. You are ****ing with the wrong ****.
Mooj: Hey! You're ****ing with the wrong sand-****, okay?
Jay: Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Turban now? Do you see any ****ing turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?" **** you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a ****ing Brooklyn accent, okay?! Okay?!

Jay: Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who's falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.
Andy: I drive a bike.
Jay: Okay, Mr. Schwinn-****ing-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
Andy: You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.
Cal: Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're ****ing six!

Jay: [holding a pair of baby shoes] Mooj, you done seen my son, you know his foot's gonna be bigger than this.
Mooj: If that baby looks Pakistani, don't ****in' look at me, okay?
Jay: I wouldn't mind! You got good genes! How old are you? What, 138?
Mooj: When your son is born, is he already in parole?

Jill: Are you Andy?
Andy: Uhh, yeah.
Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card..
Andy: Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy: Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?
Andy: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho, for show.
Jill: You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
Andy: Who the--Who the **** are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?
Jill: That's how you talk?
Andy: You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man, **** it!
Jill: You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.
Andy: You should keep your ho on a leash.
Jay: Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
Andy: Hey, hey, hey, bitches is runnin' wild, man.

Operator: Hotline.
Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
Operator: You know, you could have sex.
Andy: Okay. Yup.
Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
Andy: Really? That'd work?
Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.

Trish: What is this, your roofie, your date drug?
Andy: It's a Mentos. They're the fresh-maker.

[after kissing Andy while driving drunk]
Nicky: That tasted good!
Andy: That tasted like shellfish.

[Andy is getting his chest waxed and gets wax over his nipple]
Andy: Hold my hand.
Cal: What?! No.
Andy: Hold my god damn hand, man!
[girl tears off the patch]
Andy: Nipple ****!!

[at a bachelorette party]
Jay: [using a Black dildo as a phone] Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
Cal: [Holding up a blue and white striped dildo] Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."
Andy: [holds up a penis shaped cake tray] Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
Nicky: I do!
Cal: She does!
Andy: Hey, you guys, Betty ****er!

[at the Date-A-Palooza]
Girl: Hi!
Andy: Hi, how are you?
Girl: I'm fine.
Andy: Are you fine?
Girl: Yeah.
Andy: You're fine then.
Girl: Are you ****in' retarded?! What the hell's the matter with you?!
Andy: Do you want me to be ****in' retarded?

[Beth and Andy are drunk at her place]
Andy: You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
Beth: Yes! Let's have sex.
Andy: It's going to happen.
Beth: That's why we are here.
Andy: That's totally what's going to happen.
Beth: We could do it in the butt, if you want to.
Andy: But, if I want to what?
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But what? What?
Beth: Do it.
Andy: Do it?
Beth: What?
Andy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But, what?
Beth: What?
Andy: But, it still feels so right.