Other quotes

Paula: [About David's video camera antics] He's performing a public colonscopy. Isn't that sweet?

Paula: I'm very discreet...but I'll haunt your dreams..

Mark: [Finding Andy on Trish's bed with a dozen condoms open] Dude, teach me!

Nicky: [Driving drunk, nearly hits another car] That ****er came out of nowhere!

Nicky: I'm starving, let's get some ****in' french toast!

Nicky: Do you think I'm pretty?

Joe: [About Andy] That boy need to get *laid*!

Motorist: Get the **** out of the road virgin!

Andy's college girlfriend: [after accidentally kicking her in the face during foreplay] I'm hot! But, now, you can't have any of this. You should just give up forever!

Jill: Are you Andy?
Andy: Uhh, yeah.
Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card..
Andy: Oh-h-h, yeah, right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card; thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy: Umm, yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'"?
Andy: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a ho, for show.
Jill: You are never gonna meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
Andy: Who the--Who the **** are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right, and stop with the inquisition?
Jill: That's how you talk?
Andy: You know what I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man, **** it!
Jill: You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him, and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself, I don't mess with him baby. That's not me.
Andy: You should keep your ho on a leash.
Jay: Oh, bro I can't let you talk. I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
Andy: Hey, hey, hey, bitches is runnin' wild, man.

Trish: What is this, your roofie, your date drug?
Andy: It's a Mentos. They're the fresh-maker.

Andy: She has three kids and one of her kids has a kid.
[Cal starts coughing on his marijuana]
Andy: You all right?
Cal: Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: So, so she's a grandma.
Andy: No.
Cal: I'm not a doctor or anything like that but she's a ****ing grandma.
Andy: Yeah, whatever, you know.
Cal: She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.
Andy: Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma!
Cal: That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy: Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady, I would want to **** Jack Palance right now.

Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
Mooj:I'm sick of your cry-baby bullshit.
Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
Mooj: Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
Jay: Look, listen to me. You are ****ing with the wrong nigger.
Mooj: Hey! You're ****ing with the wrong sand-nigger, okay?
Jay: Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Turban now? Do you see any ****ing turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?" **** you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a ****ing Brooklyn accent, okay?! Okay?!

[David and Cal are playing "Mortal Kombat: Deception." Dave is Baraka, while Cal is Sub-Zero]
Cal: You're gay now?
David: No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.
Cal: That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like there's this, and then in a year it's like "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: [Laughing] Oh, I'm gay for saying that.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
[Cal loses first match; screen cuts to video game footage of Baraka tearing Sub-Zero in half]
Cal: Aw, shit. Ow. Dude, at least leave my torso alone.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?
[David loses second match and smokes a bowl; screen cuts to video game footage of Sub-Zero's fatality]
David: God damn it!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body. (shouts) **** you!
David: Arr.

Andy: Wow, this place is crowded.
David: Yeah, well, you know, nine dollar beer night.

David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How am I gay?
David: You've seen Rent three times.
Cal: Being able to appreciate music, dance, and doin' guys in the ass is not the same thing.
David: Yeah, but all three of those things comprise the movie Rent.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Two words: fanny pack.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You're wearing baby blue track pants.
David: Yeah, I gave that to you, actually. You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You tried to put a glory hole in the bathroom at SmartTech.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: You look at me sometimes in a certain way.
David Hm-m-m.
Cal: And you're just, you're lip quivers.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Cal: Look's gay.
David: Well it's just 'cause you seem nice.
David: You know how I knew you were gay?
Cal: How'd you know I was gay?
David: You gave a reach around when you mounted me.
Cal: That's just considerate, okay? That's not gay.
David: You Know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David You put your penis inside of guy's assholes.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: Your dick tastes like shit.

[Mooj has found out Andy is a virgin; extended DVD version]
Mooj: Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?
Andy: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!
Andy: Yeah, life's about passion.
Mooj: It's not about ****ing and balls and pussy. It's about love.
Andy: {sighs}
Mooj: It's about people. It's about connection.
Andy: (nodding) It's all about connections.
Mooj: It's not about tossing salad. It's not about **** and ass and tits.
Andy: (uncomfortable) Hm-hmm.
Mooj: And butt hole pleasures.
Andy: It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.
Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or pussy juice ****tails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
Andy: (scared) OK. I, y'know, double pussies and--
Mooj: Shit stained balls, and cum swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator **** house, donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--
Andy: Mooj, just please stop.

Andy: You guys, she's picking me up in a hour.
David: Oh, drag, dude.
Cal: She's picking you up from here?
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: That's ****ed up, man.
Andy: Why?
Cal: Why?! Seriously! I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? "Look! He's got a billion toys!"
Andy: So what?
Cal: And more video games than a teenage Asian kid.
Andy: Okay.
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's Boss?
Andy: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal: Well, that may be the case, but none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy: You guys, cool it with the gay! You know, she on her way here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.

[Cal and Andy are looking at the behind of a girl who works in a bookstore]
Andy: There's something wrong with her underwear.
Cal: Yea, they are not in my mouth.

[Andy is getting his chest waxed and gets wax over his nipple]
Andy: Hold my hand.
Cal: What?! No.
Andy: Hold my god damn hand, man!
[girl tears off the patch]
Andy: Nipple ****!!

[Cal angrily flicks David in the nuts after refusing to talk to Bernadette]
David: Did you just flick me in the nuts?
Cal: No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where you're nuts used to be.
[Flicks him again]
David: Ow! Quit flickin' my balls man!
Cal: Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts!
[Cal slaps him in the face]
David: Oh!
[punches David in the shoulder]
David: Okay.
[tugs on David's ear]
David: Well played, sir.

Jay: [holding a pair of baby shoes] Mooj, you done seen my son, you know his foot's gonna be bigger than this.
Mooj: If that baby looks Pakistani, don't ****in' look at me, okay?
Jay: I wouldn't mind! You got good genes! How old are you? What, 138?
Mooj: When your son is born, is he already in parole?

Andy: [referring to his shirt] Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?
Cal: No. What's Curious George like in real life?

David: You know sometimes, Amy and I would make love and it was almost like we weren't two people. We were two spirits or something. Our souls were connected in this way, I can't-can't describe it, time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.
Jay: Stop, man! Why do you always come in and kill the vibe with those things?! "Sharing the same heart", that's like some Britney Spears shit! There's three grown-ass men here, we don't need to hear that shit!

[at the Date-A-Palooza]
Girl: Hi!
Andy: Hi, how are you?
Girl: I'm fine.
Andy: Are you fine?
Girl: Yeah.
Andy: You're fine then.
Girl: Are you ****in' retarded?! What the hell's the matter with you?!
Andy: Do you want me to be ****in' retarded?

Cal: Here's what you do: you tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit. Okay? Here, here, tell me. This is how's it gonna go down. Tell me.
Andy: I'm a virgin.
Cal: "Sweet! I like that because you don't have chlamydia, and I know that, and that shit is everywhere."
Andy: What if she laughs at me though?
Cal: Then you punch her in the ****in' head if she laughs!
Andy: I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.
Cal: No, you punch her in the ****in' head emotionally.

Ebay store customer: So, I guess I'll just give you some money, and you can give me these shoes and--
Trish: You know, I know it seems so strange--
Ebay store customer: Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.
Trish: Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but--
Ebay store customer: I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them.

Operator: Hotline.
Andy: Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
Operator: How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
Andy: I haven't taken any, but your ad said that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
Operator: You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
Andy: Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
Operator: Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
Andy: Right. I'm sorry. Right. So, there's nothing you can do? I just don't wanna--
Operator: There's nothing I can do. I'm in Bombay, India.
Andy: Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want--I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
Operator: You know, you could have sex.
Andy: Okay. Yup.
Operator: That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
Andy: Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
Operator: Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
Andy: I'd rather not masturbate.
Operator: If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match, blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist. And that will focus the brain elsewhere, and you will lose your erection.
Andy: Really? That'd work?
Operator: Take your finger and flick your testicle, and if you do that till it hurts, your erection will go away.
Andy: Okay, all right. It sounds unpleasant and it is.
Operator: It is a trick we use in India.
Andy: Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
Operator: We appreciate your business--oh, no. We didn't get your business!
Andy: No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.

Jay: Dude, are you gay?
Andy: No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.
Cal: I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to **** guys. I'm cool. I got friends who **** guys, in jail.

Jay: Let me apologize to you, first of all, for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman who's falling down on her way out of the bar that you should probably drive.
Andy: I drive a bike.
Jay: Okay, Mr. Schwinn-****ing-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
Andy: You know what,I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.
Cal: Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're ****ing six!

[after kissing Andy while driving drunk]
Nicky: That tasted good!
Andy: That tasted like shellfish.

[at a bachelorette party]
Jay: [using a Black dildo as a phone] Wait a minute. Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
Cal: [Holding up a blue and white striped dildo] Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Seuss' penis. "I really mean this."
Andy: [holds up a penis shaped cake tray] Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
Nicky: I do!
Cal: She does!
Andy: Hey, you guys, Betty ****er!

[Beth and Andy are drunk at her place]
Andy: You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
Beth: Yes! Let's have sex.
Andy: It's going to happen.
Beth: That's why we are here.
Andy: That's totally what's going to happen.
Beth: We could do it in the butt, if you want to.
Andy: But, if I want to what?
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But what? What?
Beth: Do it.
Andy: Do it?
Beth: What?
Andy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Beth: Butt.
Andy: But, what?
Beth: What?
Andy: But, it still feels so right.

[the night after Jay gets Andy a hooker who turns out to be a transvestite]
Jay: Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?
Andy: Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.
Jay: So you have no proof.

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