Wallace Bryton
I don't wanna die in Canada!
Played by Justin Long 
Tusk (2014) · 37 quotes
Tusk (2014) · 37 quotes
I'm so scared. This guy wants to turn me into an animal or something...
More lines from Wallace Bryton
1 quote Wallace Bryton
Scenes with Wallace Bryton
5 scenes
Border Agent
When you're visiting the Great White North of Canada, you got your Canado's and your Canadon'ts. Right there, top shelf, number one: don't go tellin' a Canadian you don't follow hockey.
Wallace Bryton
Of course. I should have known that. It makes them sad, right?
Border Agent
Canadians don't get sad. Sadness was made by the USA.
Wallace Bryton
Oh, c'mon, what does that mean?
Border Agent
Take off, it's true! Right there, on our flag. It's right there when you look at it, and you see past that sacred maple leaf, you know what you see?
Wallace Bryton
A white wall.
Border Agent
You see that, in America, you're red white and blue, but in Canada, you're red, white, but never blue, eh? Ever.
Wallace Bryton
Gotcha. That's actually... I never thought of it that way before. I just thought of Canadians as, you know... nice.
Border Agent
Well, that right there is another Canadon't. We're not nice, we're optimistic. There's a difference.
Wallace Bryton
How far is Bifrost from here?
Girl Clerk #1
[in a Canadian accent]
It's aboot two hours from here.
Wallace Bryton
[laughing]
It's "aboot" two hours away.
Girl Clerk #2
I hate American guys.
Howard Howe
Never be ashamed of fear, Mr. Bryton. Fear is the unelected governor that keeps our actions moral.
Wallace Bryton
Who said that?
Howard Howe
I did. Just now.
Wallace Bryton
A walrus saved your life?
Howard Howe
The walrus is far more evolved than any man I've ever known. Present company included.
Wallace Bryton
Thank you!
Howard Howe
[poker face]
You're welcome.
Howard Howe
You’re not eating?
Wallace Bryton
I can’t move my arms.
Howard Howe
That would be the morphine. It is capital for the leg pain, and dare I say the only thing keeping you from howling in agony. However, it tends to leave one a bit sleepy.
Wallace Bryton
I’m not sleepy. I’m...immobilized.
Howard Howe
The melancholy that accompanies losing a limb must be akin to that of mourning a close friend you too often took for granted.
Wallace Bryton
There was no spider, was there?
Howard Howe
Of course there was. A brown recluse. Colloquially known as the hobo spider.
Wallace
And you saw it?
Howard Howe
Yes.
Wallace Bryton
You saw the spider?
Howard Howe
I only wish I had spied the creature before it so viciously attacked you.
Wallace Bryton
What’d it look like?
Howard Howe
The arachnid assailant?
Wallace Bryton
Yeah.
Howard Howe
Well...a typical spider. A legion of legs, et cetera et cetera. It was very small, though. So small you might even call it...itsy bitsy. [singing] The Itsy, Bitsy Spiiiiiiii-der went up the water spout!
Wallace Bryton
Holy shit...
Howard Howe
Down came the rain and washed the spider out! Up come...
Wallace Bryton
LET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR, YOU **** PSYCHO! LET ME OUT!! LET ME OUT, YOU OLD **** NUTBAG!! HELP!!! SOMEBODY HELLLLLLPPPP!!!!!
