Most scenes together: Howard Howe & Wallace Bryton (3)
Tusk quotes
Page 1 of 3Hello, I am an old man who has enjoyed a long and storied life at sea. I am a proud Canadian who has traveled a peculiar path lo these many years. And after eons of oceanic adventure, I find myself a landlubber, with Manitoba as my final port. I know I do not wish to spend my remaining years alone in a giant house. Not when I have such stories to share. So to this end, I'm offering a room for rent in my stately woodland home. This arrangement will be free of charge, providing you to perform the simple household chores I can no longer tend to from the confines of this accursed wheelchair. But though I may be old, I have lived. And I will tell you all about my many adventures, in vivid detail. Please feel free to call me at the number below. Respectfully, Howard Howe.
No, he doesn’t touch them like that. He butchers them. Amputates limbs, cuts out the teeth and tongue...but he don’t do nothing sexy with them.
You say you don’t have any leads, but you keep saying "he".
Who else could it be but a **** man? A woman, she makes life. But a man? Angry he cannot make life? He only know how to take life. The boys on the force nicknamed our mystery killer "The First Wife".
Because the first wife doesn’t let you talk, doesn’t let you go anywhere, and doesn’t **** you. It’s funnier if you’ve been married a few times.
When you're visiting the Great White North of Canada, you got your Canado's and your Canadon'ts. Right there, top shelf, number one: don't go tellin' a Canadian you don't follow hockey.
Of course. I should have known that. It makes them sad, right?
Canadians don't get sad. Sadness was made by the USA.
Oh, c'mon, what does that mean?
Take off, it's true! Right there, on our flag. It's right there when you look at it, and you see past that sacred maple leaf, you know what you see?
A white wall.
You see that, in America, you're red white and blue, but in Canada, you're red, white, but never blue, eh? Ever.
Gotcha. That's actually... I never thought of it that way before. I just thought of Canadians as, you know... nice.
Well, that right there is another Canadon't. We're not nice, we're optimistic. There's a difference.
Never be ashamed of fear, Mr. Bryton. Fear is the unelected governor that keeps our actions moral.
Who said that?
I did. Just now.
You’re not eating?
I can’t move my arms.
That would be the morphine. It is capital for the leg pain, and dare I say the only thing keeping you from howling in agony. However, it tends to leave one a bit sleepy.
I’m not sleepy. I’m...immobilized.
The melancholy that accompanies losing a limb must be akin to that of mourning a close friend you too often took for granted.
There was no spider, was there?
Of course there was. A brown recluse. Colloquially known as the hobo spider.
And you saw it?
Yes.
You saw the spider?
I only wish I had spied the creature before it so viciously attacked you.
What’d it look like?
The arachnid assailant?
Yeah.
Well...a typical spider. A legion of legs, et cetera et cetera. It was very small, though. So small you might even call it...itsy bitsy. [singing] The Itsy, Bitsy Spiiiiiiii-der went up the water spout!
Holy shit...
Down came the rain and washed the spider out! Up come...
LET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR, YOU **** PSYCHO! LET ME OUT!! LET ME OUT, YOU OLD **** NUTBAG!! HELP!!! SOMEBODY HELLLLLLPPPP!!!!!
Welcome to SmodCast, I'm Kevin Smith.
I'm Scott Mosier.
There's a website called Gumtree.
Gumtree.
Gumtree.com. It's sort of like a Craigslist for rooming and living arrangements. There's a house...and the guy who lives there, he writes an ad. He'll tell you. I mean, he'll tell you what he wants. The arrangement states that it's not available to couples and the seller type is private.
Okay, so this is the official advertisement.
This may sound (or seem) too good to be true. (reads the ad) Hello, I am looking for a lodger in my house. I have had a long and interesting life and have now chosen Brighton as a location for my retirement. Among the many things I have done in my life is to spend 3 years alone on St. Lawrence Island. These were perhaps the most intense and fascinating years of my life, and I was kept in companionship with a walrus whom (or who) I named Gregory. Never have I had such a fulfilling friendship with anyone, human or otherwise, and upon leaving the island I was heartbroken for months. I now find myself in a large house overlooking Queens Park and am keen to get a lodger. This is a position I am prepared to offer for free (eg: no rent payable) on the fulfillment of some conditions. I have, over the last few months, been constructing a realistic walrus costume, which should fit most people of average proportions, and allow for full and easy movement in character. To take on the position as my lodger you must be prepared to wear the walrus suit for approximately 2 hours each day (in practice, this is not 2 hours every day – I merely state it here so you are able to have a clear idea of the workload). Whilst in the walrus costume you must be a walrus – there must be no speaking in a human voice, and any communication must entail making utterances in the voice of a walrus – I believe there are recordings available on the web – to me, the voice is the most natural thing I have ever heard. Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs that I will occasionally throw to you while you are being the walrus. With the exception of this, you will be free to do whatever you choose, and will have a spacious double room, complete run of the house (with the exception of my bedroom and my workshop), and use of all facilities within. I am a considerate person to share a house with, and other than playing the accordion my tastes are easy to accommodate. Due to the nature of this position I will need to audition all applicants before agreeing to take the chosen candidate on as a lodger. Please contact me if you have any questions.
We should call the cops or the Mounties or whatever the ****. We need pros, Ally. [to LaPointe] No offense.
Go **** yourself. No offense.
A walrus saved your life?
The walrus is far more evolved than any man I've ever known. Present company included.
Thank you!
How far is Bifrost from here?
It's aboot two hours from here.
I hate American guys.
Oh, yes... It is one **** of a bummer to look at, I can tell you that.
You just had to have the second slider. You just HAD to HAVE the second slider. Oof...
Ahoy, matey! You know...it has occurred to me. If you are to fulfill your destiny...if you are to be a true walrus. Well, Mr. Tusk...a walrus must learn to swim.
But you...you bring me back. You make me feel beautiful again and cherished. You give me my humanity.