Jules Seth, are you crying?
No I just have something in both my eyes...
Seth
Jonah Hill · 53 quotes
Officer Michaels
Seth Rogen · 37 quotes
Evan
Michael Cera · 34 quotes
Fogell
Christopher Mintz-Plasse · 27 quotes
Officer Slater
Bill Hader · 16 quotes
Becca
Martha MacIsaac · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Evan & Seth (14), Seth & Officer Michaels (10), Evan & Officer Michaels (8)
Superbad quotes
Page 2 of 9 Jules
McLovin
What's it like to have guns?
It's like having two ****... if one of your **** could kill someone!
Yeah, McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?
It's not the "going" I'm worried about...but the "coming".
You know, this job, though, isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
Yup.
If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier.
Hell yeah!
I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
Could smell it out like a rat.
Smell it out. Anything.
Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him.
No way.
Just punched you in the face. No semen.
Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make, you know, live in a world of semen.
Alright now guys, check this out... probably the greatest move in donut-spinning history, you paying attention? Behold the upward spiraling pigtail!
Why is it called that?
I don't know!
Make the badge proud, Slater! [to Fogell] He's not usually this drunk when he does this, but I think that could make it more cool.
[referring to Evan's mother]
I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Enjoy your remaining years!
Old Lady I will. Enjoy **** Jules!
I will!
I can get you guys alcohol.
Jules Really? Seriously?
Yes, for sure.
Jules That would be awesome. Thank you. You know, because we're worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my ****.
I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
[His partner is tying on his apron]
Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a ****in' break!...I'm sorry for cursing.
Teacher [Teacher is in disbelief of Seth's speech]
All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.
You know it's been like two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?
Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?
Yeah.
I guess so, but she was insanely hot.
Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!
How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her. You got like two dozen handjobs.
Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.
Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!
You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.
I should buy Becca alcohol?
Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like, "Ahh, I was so shitfaced last night! I shouldn't have **** that guy!" We could be that mistake!
[After Slater and Michaels pretend to arrest Fogel in front of a crowd of teenagers]
This is gonna get you so much ass.
Really?
Get the hell outta here right now...
Get outta here pal she's not interested...
Drop the crantini and move it, sister...
See ya sugar tits!
That's such a cool name.
I know.
It sounds like a sexy hamburger.
Look at those nipples...
They look like little baby toes.
It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Y'know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome! I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.