Teddy quotes from Stand by Me (1986)

Vern

Well, what do we need a pistol for anyway?

Chris

It's spooky sleeping out at night in the woods. We might even see a bear.

Gordie

Or a garbage can.

Vern

I brought a comb.

Chris

What do we need a comb for?

Vern

Well, if we get on TV, we wanna look good, don't we?

Gordie

That's a lot of thinking, Vern.

Vern

Thanks.

Teddy

Two for flinching. [punches Vern in the arm twice]

Vern

Ow.

Teddy

How far do you think it's gonna be?

Chris

If we follow the tracks all the way into Harlow, it'd be about 20 miles. Sound about right to you, Gordie?

Gordie

Yeah. Yeah, it might even be 30.

Vern

Gee, maybe we should just hitchhike.

Teddy

No way, that sucks.

Vern

Why not? We could go out to Route 7 to the Shiloh Church, then down the Back Harlow Road. We'll be there by sundown.

Teddy

That's pussy.

Vern

Hey, it's a long ways.

Teddy

Did your mother ever have any kids that lived?

Vern

What do you mean?

Teddy

Jesus.

Vern

Hey, I'm kinda hungry. Who's got the food?

Teddy

Oh, shit! Did anybody bring anything?

Chris

Not me. Gordie? [Gordie shakes his head]

Teddy

Oh, well, this is great! What are we supposed to do, eat our feet?

Chris

You mean, you didn't bring anything either?!

Teddy

Shit, this wasn't my idea, it was Vern's idea! [to Vern] Why didn't you bring something?!

Vern

What am I supposed to do, think of everything?! I brought the comb!

Teddy

Oh, great, you brought the comb! What do you need a comb for?! You don't even have any hair!

Vern

I brought it for you guys...

Gordie

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! Let's see how much money we got. [the boys sit down to count their money] Okay, I got $1.02. [Chris and Teddy hand Gordie their money] 68 cents from Chris. 60 cents from Teddy. [Vern hands Gordie his money; he looks at Vern in disbelief] Seven cents, Vern?

Vern

I haven't found my pennies yet.

Gordie

Well, 2.37's not bad. Quidaciolu's is at the end of that little road that goes by the junkyard. I think we can get some stuff there.

Gordie

Hey, Vern, looks like your mom's been out driving again.

Vern

That's so funny, I forgot to laugh.

Teddy

Stand back, men! Paratroops, over the side! [the boys toss their bags over the fence, then begin scaling it]

The Writer

"No trespassing" was enforced by Milo Pressman, the junkman, and his dog, Chopper, the most feared and least seen dog in Castle Rock. Legend had it that Milo had trained Chopper, not just to sic, but to sic specific parts of the human anatomy. Thus, a kid, who had illegally scaled the junkyard fence, might hear the dread cry, "Chopper, sic balls." But right now, neither the dread, Chopper, nor Milo was anywhere in sight.

Teddy

Have you guys been watching The Mickey Mouse Club lately? I think Annette's tits are getting bigger.

Gordie

Yeah, I've been noticing lately that the "A"and the "E" are starting to bend around the sides.

Vern

Annette's tits are great.

Yeah.

Vern

This is a really good time.

Chris

The most.

Teddy

A blast.

The Writer

Vern didn't just mean being off limits inside the junkyard, or fudging on our folks, or going on a hike up the railroad tracks to Harlow. He meant those things, but it seems to me now it was more and that we all knew it. Everything was there and around us. We knew exactly who we were and exactly where we were going. It was grand.

Vern

Great! Spit at the fat kid. Real good. What time is it, Gordie?

Gordie

Um... [checks his watch] It's 1:15.

Vern

We better go get the food. Junkyard opens at 3:00. Chopper will be here.

Chris

Ooh, sic balls.

Teddy

You go. You can pick us up on the way back.

Vern

I'm not going alone. We should all go.

Teddy

I'm stayin' right here.

Gordie

Yeah, man, I'm not goin'. I'm not goin' all the way out there.

Chris

Girls, girls, girls, cool it. We'll flip for it.

Gordie

Okay, odd man goes?

Teddy

That's you, Gordie, odd as a cod.

Gordie

Flip or eat lead.

Vern

Four tails! Oh, Jesus, man, that's a goocher.

Chris

Oh, come on, Vern. That doesn't mean anything. Let's go again.

Vern

No, man, a goocher. That's really bad. Remember when Clint Bracken and those guys got wiped out on Weed Hill in Durham? Billy told me they was flippin' for beers, and they came up with a goocher before they got into the car. And bang! They all got totaled! I don't like this, man, sincerely.

Teddy

Vern-o, nobody believes that crap about moons and goochers. It's baby stuff! Now come on, flip again. [to Vern] You gonna flip, or not?

Teddy

You lose, Gordie! [cackles] Gordie loses! Oh, Gordie just screwed the pooch! [laughs]

Gordie

Does the word "****" mean anything to you?

Teddy

Gordie, go and get the provisions, you morphadite!

Gordie

Don't call me any of your mother's pet names.

Teddy

What a wet end you are, Lachance!

Gordie

Shut up!

Teddy

I don't shut up.

I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up! [They point at each other's open mouths making gagging sounds]

Gordie

And then your mother goes around the corner and she licks it up.

Ooh!

The Writer

Finding new and, preferably, disgusting ways to degrade a friend's mother was always held in high regard.

HEY! Hey, you kid! What are you doing there?! Come over here! [Gordie starts running] You! You come back here! COME BACK HERE, GODDAMMIT! I'LL SIC MY DOG ON YOU!

RUN, GORDIE, RUN! RUN, GORDIE!

Chopper! Sic him! Sic him, boy!

The Writer

Now he said, "Sic him, boy." But what I heard was, "Chopper, sic balls."

Gordie

That's Chopper?

The Writer

Chopper was my first lesson in the vast difference between myth and reality.

Teddy

Come on, Choppy! Kiss my ass, Choppy, kiss my ass! Come on! [Chopper starts biting Teddy's shirt] Bite shit!

Gordie

Come on, Choppy! Sic balls, Choppy!

Hey, you kids! STOP TEASING THAT DOG! YA HEAR ME?! STOP TEASING HIM! [to Teddy] Sonny, I'm gonna beat your ass, teasing my dog like that!

Teddy

Yeah? I'd like to see you try to climb over this fence and get me, fat-ass!

Don't you call me that, you little tin weasel. Peckerwood loony's son.

Teddy

What did you call me?

I know who you are. You're Teddy Duchamp. Your dad's a loony. A loony up in the nuthouse at Togus. He took your ear and he put it to a stove and he burnt it off.

Teddy

My father stormed the beach at Normandy.

He's crazier than a shithouse rat. No wonder you're acting the way you are, with a loony for a father!

Teddy

You call my dad a loony again, and I'll kill you.

Loony, loony, loony.

Teddy

I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!!!! I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!! [the other boys restrain him]

You come on and try it, you little slimy bastard!

Chris

He wants you to go over there so he can beat the piss out of you and then take you to the cops!

You watch your mouth, smart guy! Let him do his own fighting!

Gordie

Sure, you only outweigh him by 500 pounds, fat-ass!

I know your name. You're Lachance. I know all you guys. And all your fathers are gonna get a call from me, except for the loony up in Togus.

Teddy

I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!

You little foul-mouthed whoremaster!

Teddy

YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU! [the boys begin walking away]

Come back here! Come back here, you hear me?!

Teddy

Nobody ranks out my old man!

Come back here!

Teddy

My father stormed the beach at Normandy!

I said come back here!

Teddy

HE STORMED THE BEACH, YOU ****!

Come back here!

Teddy

I'm sorry if I'm spoiling everybody's good time.

Chris

It's okay, man.

Gordie

Maybe it shouldn't be a good time.

Chris

You saying you wanna go back?

Gordie

No. We're going to see a dead kid; maybe it shouldn't be a party.

Vern

You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?

Teddy

What are you, cracked?

Vern

Why not? I saw the other day, he was carrying five elephants in one hand.

Teddy

Boy, you don't know nothing. Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman is a real guy. No way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.

Vern

Yeah, maybe you're right. It'd be a good fight, though.

Teddy

Jesus.

Chris

I mean, you could be a real writer someday, Gordie.

Gordie

**** writing! I don't wanna be a writer. It's stupid. It's a stupid wasted time!

Chris

That's your dad talking.

Gordie

Bullshit!

Chris

Bulltrue! I know how your dad feels about you, he doesn't give a shit about you. Denny was the one he cared about, and don't try to tell me different! You're just a kid, Gordie...

Gordie

Oh, gee, thanks, Dad!

Chris

I wish the hell I was your dad. You wouldn't be going around talking about taking these stupid shop courses if I was. It's like God gave you something man. All those stories that you can make up, and He said, "This is what we got for you kid, try not to lose it." But kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them. And if your parents are too **** up to do it, then maybe I should.

Vern

Come on, you guys, let's get moving!

Teddy

Yeah, by the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore.

Vern

Any of you guys know when the next train is due?

Chris

We could go down to the Route 136 bridge.

Teddy

What are you, crazy? That's five miles down the river! You walk five miles down the river, you gotta walk five miles back. that could take 'til dark. We go across here, we could get to the same place in ten minutes.

Vern

Yeah, but if a train comes, there's nowheres to go.

Teddy

Hell, there isn't. You just jump.

Chris

Teddy, it's 100 feet.

Vern

Yeah, Teddy.

Teddy

Look, you guys can go around if you want. I'm crossing here. And while you guys are dragging your candy asses halfway across the state and back, I'll be waiting for you on the other side, relaxing with my thoughts.

Gordie

Do you use your left hand or your right hand for that?

Teddy

You wish.

Vern

I lost the comb.

Gordie

Forget it, Vern. [they continue walking along; Gordie suddenly hears a distant sound and looks back the way they came; he then feels the tracks again, and as he does so, he hears a chugging sound; he looks back in the opposite direction again and sees black smoke coming up from the trees; realizing a train is coming, Gordie stands up to alert the others] TRAAAAIN!!! [Chris and Teddy turn around just in time to see a train coming around the corner from the opposite end of the bridge]

Vern

Oh, shit! [crawls as fast as he can]

Chris

Move it, man! Go on, move it!

Gordie

Get up, Vern! Damn it! GET UP! [gets Vern on his feet as the train starts to come onto the bridge] MOVE IT! [Vern immediately cowers] Shit, Vern! Get up! Come on, man!

Vern

I don't wanna! We're gonna fall!

Gordie

WE'RE GONNA DIE, DAMN IT! GET UP!!!! [Vern gets to his feet] GO! GO! [the two run as fast as they can]

Chris

Go, man! Go!

Gordie

DAMN IT, VERN, GO FASTER!!!!

Vern

I can't, Gordie!

Gordie

Go! [the train gets closer to Gordie and Vern]

Chris

Run! Run! [he and Teddy get off to the side of the tracks as the train gets just inches away from Gordie and Vern] Run. Run, man! Move your ass, man!

Gordie

Move it! Move it! Go, Vern! Come on, man! Vern! Go!

Run! Goddamn it! Run!

Gordie

RUN, VERN! [Chris and Teddy watch with horror; Gordie, thinking quickly, grabs Vern, and the two jump off the side of the bridge just as the train is about to hit them; as the train passes, Chris and Teddy run over to the end of the bridge and see Gordie and Vern disheveled but unharmed]

Chris

Hey, at least now we know when the next train was due.

Gordie

Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy?

Teddy

He's a dog, he's definitely a dog...

Chris

He can't be a dog, he wears a hat and drives a car...

Vern

Yeah, that is weird. What the hell is Goofy?

Vern

Told you we should've stuck to the tracks.

Teddy

Is it me, or are you the world's biggest pussy?

Vern

I suppose this is fun for you.

Teddy

No... but this is. [reaches up and dunks Vern while laughing crazily] You want some more?!

Vern

Aah! Stop that! Come on!

Chris

Come on Teddy, act your age!

Teddy

This is my age. I'm in the prime of my youth and I'll only be young once!

Chris

Yeah, but you're gonna be stupid for the rest of your life.

Vern

All right, get him!

Teddy

All right, Chambers, you just signed your own death warrant. You die, Chambers! [Teddy and Vern both lunge at Chris, dunking him and laughing loudly, as Gordie disgustedly wades off] Get him! Get Vern! Vern's gonna die!

Vern

Teddy, you're gonna die!

Gordie

Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy?

Vern

If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy-Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.

Teddy

Goofy's a dog. He's definitely a dog.

Gordie

I knew the $64,000 question was fixed. There's no way anybody could know that much about opera!

Chris

He can't be a dog. He drives a car and wears a hat.

Gordie

Wagon Train's a really cool show, but did you notice they never get anywhere? They just keep wagon training.

Vern

Oh, God. That's weird. What the hell is Goofy?