Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Max Bialystock
Zero Mostel · 47 quotes
Leo Bloom
Gene Wilder · 27 quotes
Franz Liebkind
Kenneth Mars · 10 quotes
Lorenzo St. DuBois
Dick Shawn · 8 quotes
Roger De Bris
Christopher Hewett · 6 quotes
Singers
5 quotes
Most scenes together: Max Bialystock & Leo Bloom (16), Max Bialystock & Franz Liebkind (2), Max Bialystock & Roger De Bris (2)
The Producers quotes
Page 2 of 6Just think! Yesterday I was a meaningless little accountant...and today, I am the producer of a Broadway flop!
Drunk at the end of the bar Oh, thank you. That's very kind of you.
Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Assume away.
Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! [pulls out his blue blanket and hugs it] You're making me extremely nervous.
What is that, a handkerchief?
What? [hides his blue blanket behind his back] Nothing, it's nothing.
If it's nothing, why can't I see it? [grabs Leo's blue blanket out of his hand]
Sshhh! Here, here, here! Don't panic! Don't panic. [hands Leo's blue blanket back to him. Leo calms down]
[sighs]
I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important, it's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting. [kisses his blue blanket and puts it back in his pocket]
Love, love power.
I'm talking 'bout love power
The power of a little flower.
You don't think 'bout no little flowers,
Oh no, all you think about is guns.
If everybody in the world today had a flower instead of a gun,
There would be no wars. There would be one big smell-in.
Just the flowers. Hey, man, a flower.
A flower. What you do to my flower, man?
You hurt it, like everything else.
Everything else. Flowers.
[pulls out a banana, peels it, breaks it in half, throws it away, and then sits in a corner sucking on his thumb]
That's our Hitler!
It's practically a love letter to Hitler!
This won't run a week.
A week?! Are you nuts? This play's gotta close on Page 4.
Kill the actors!
Kill the actors? I can't kill the actors. I must destroy the actors.
...So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a surefire flop!
Why, your scheme, you bloody little genius!
I meant no scheme. I merely posed an academic accounting theory. It was just a thought.
Here's to failure
...To failure
Drunk Why, thank you! You're very kind!
Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
[emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress]
Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
No kidding.
Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Ghia And we always win!
I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Where do you keep your wallet?
Ulla! Go get car!
Ulla Ja, ja! We go to motel?
No. I go with Mr. Bloom.
Ulla You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?
No! No Motel! Get Car! Get Car!
Ulla Get car!
Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!
Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
What have you done, L.S.D.?
About six months... but I'm on probation, so it's all good, baby!
No, I mean, what do you do best?
I can't do that here. That's why they put me away, baby!
The Landlord 'He who signs the lease must pay rent.That's the law.
Murderer! Thief! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The Landlord I have to. I'm a landlord.
The Landlord [looking up]
Don't listen to him; he's crazy.
Ulla Goddag på dig!
Uh, I beg your pardon?
Ulla Goddag på dig!
Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?
They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"