Max Bialystock That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
Played by Zero Mostel 
The Producers (1968) · 84 quotes
The Producers (1968) · 84 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Producers (1968): in 47 of its 84 quotes
Most scenes with: Leo Bloom (16), Franz Liebkind (2), Roger De Bris (2)
This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!
More lines from Max Bialystock
21 quotes Max Bialystock Max Bialystock [Searching for the sure-fire flop]
"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good.
Max Bialystock Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
Max Bialystock Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.
Max Bialystock Thank you, I knew I could con you.
Max Bialystock That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.
Max Bialystock You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!
Max Bialystock You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
Max Bialystock I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!
Max Bialystock Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!
Max Bialystock Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!
Max Bialystock How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
Max Bialystock I used to have thousands of investors wanting to put their money in a Max Bialystock production! These are my investors now! [shows pictures of little old women] Little old women who want one last thrill of life of their way to the cemetery.
Max Bialystock Leo, he who hesitates is poor!
Max Bialystock Money is honey! Money is honey!
Max Bialystock [reading post-show telegrams]
"Congratulations! Hitler will run forever."
Max Bialystock [smiling at Leo to calm him down]
Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you.' [Aside] This man should be in a straight-jacket.
Max Bialystock Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!
Max Bialystock How humiliating. Max Bialystock. Max Bialystock. You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Delmonico's. $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye! Look at me now. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now. [He opens a cabinet with pictures of wealthy, elderly women] Voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery! [To Leo] You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect. One, two... Do the books. Do the books...Window's so filthy, can't tell whether it's day or night out there.
Max Bialystock Next time I produce a play, no author.
Max Bialystock You lousy fruit! You RUINED ME!!
Scenes with Max Bialystock
25 scenes
The Landlord 'He who signs the lease must pay rent.That's the law.
Max Murderer! Thief! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The Landlord I have to. I'm a landlord.
Max [looking up]
Oh, Lord, hear my plea. Destroy him; he maketh a blight on the land!
The Landlord [looking up]
Don't listen to him; he's crazy.
Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Assume away.
Max Here's to failure
...To failure
Drunk Why, thank you! You're very kind!
Drunk Eternally grateful... A TOAST!
Max A TOAST!
A TOAST... to what?
Drunk To... to toast, I love toast.
Max To toast.
To toast.
Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Max It's practically a love letter to Hitler!
This won't run a week.
Max A week?! Are you nuts? This play's gotta close on Page 4.
Concierge
Who d'ya want?
I beg your pardon?
Concierge
Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "consy-urge". My husband used to be the "consy-urge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "consy-urge".
Max We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge
Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max Thank you...
Concierge
...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge
I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "consy-urge"!
Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!
Max Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
Max Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
[emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress]
Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Max No kidding.
Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Ghia And we always win!
I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Where do you keep your wallet?
Ulla Goddag på dig!
Uh, I beg your pardon?
Ulla Goddag på dig!
Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?
Max They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"
Love, love power.
I'm talking 'bout love power
The power of a little flower.
You don't think 'bout no little flowers,
Oh no, all you think about is guns.
If everybody in the world today had a flower instead of a gun,
There would be no wars. There would be one big smell-in.
Just the flowers. Hey, man, a flower.
A flower. What you do to my flower, man?
You hurt it, like everything else.
Everything else. Flowers.
Max [pulls out a banana, peels it, breaks it in half, throws it away, and then sits in a corner sucking on his thumb]
That's our Hitler!
Hold me, Touch me
Hold me! Touch me!
Max [pulling her into his office]
Not in the hall!
[after walking in on Max romancing Hold me, Touch me]
Oh my God!
Max You mean "oops", don't you? Just say "oops" and get out!
Ahahahahahahahaha...
Max Not "ahahahahahahah!" Oops!
Oops! [slams the door]
Hold me, Touch me
Oh, hold me! Touch me!
Max Thursday! Thursday!
Hold me, Touch me
And after that, we'll play, "The Abduction and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia", and I'll be Lucretia.
Max And I'll be Rape!
Hold me, Touch me
I heard the Count fired you this morning - watch the road, watch the road.
Max [stops making car noises]
Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad! [continues making car noises]
Hold me, Touch me
Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig! Pull over.
I know who did zis! It vas that LSD!
Max [hands Franz a bunch of dollar bills]
Go, Franz! Buy bullets!
Max Kill the actors!
Kill the actors? I can't kill the actors. I must destroy the actors.
Max Ulla! Go get car!
Ulla Ja, ja! We go to motel?
Max No. I go with Mr. Bloom.
Ulla You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?
Max No! No Motel! Get Car! Get Car!
Ulla Get car!
Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! [pulls out his blue blanket and hugs it] You're making me extremely nervous.
Max What is that, a handkerchief?
What? [hides his blue blanket behind his back] Nothing, it's nothing.
Max If it's nothing, why can't I see it? [grabs Leo's blue blanket out of his hand]
Max Sshhh! Here, here, here! Don't panic! Don't panic. [hands Leo's blue blanket back to him. Leo calms down]
[sighs]
I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important, it's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting. [kisses his blue blanket and puts it back in his pocket]
Max ...So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a surefire flop!
Max Why, your scheme, you bloody little genius!
I meant no scheme. I merely posed an academic accounting theory. It was just a thought.
Max [classic expression]
Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts.
...You say you've found a flop?
Max [referring to "Springtime For Hitler"]
Oh, no. Calling THIS a flop would be an INSULT to flops. We've found a disaster, an apocalypse, a catastrophe, an outrage, a career-buster, a guaranteed-to-close-before-it-opens beauty! Read it and weep; it's practically a love letter to Nazi Germany!
Wow...This won't run an hour!
Max An hour!? That's being generous. This play promises to close on Page 4! Don't you, play? [comical voice] "Yes, Mr. Bialystock; I promise to close on Page 4."
Just think! Yesterday I was a meaningless little accountant...and today, I am the producer of a Broadway flop!
Max [raising his glass]
To failure!
Drunk at the end of the bar Oh, thank you. That's very kind of you.
[Max forcefully wrestles Leo's books out of his hands and laughs triumphantly. Leo angrily pinches Max's cheeks hard] [enraged, shrieking]
FAT!!!!!!!! FAT!!!! FAT!! [punches Max in the stomach, knocking him to the floor, making him groan in agony] FAT!!! FAT!!!!! YOU FATTY!! [launches himself onto Max, attacking him] Just gimme those books, you fat walrus!
Max Never!
Give 'em, quick! Grr-rrr! YOU FAT FATTY! GIMME THOSE FAT BOOKS!!
Max NO! No!
Jury Foreman [At the trial of Max, Leo, and Franz, the jury has reached a verdict]
...We find the defendants incredibly guilty.
I would like to say something, your Honor. Not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock...Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life.
Max Don't help me.
Not only is he a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years have dreamed of doing. But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... This man. No one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten, they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else. I never sang a song with someone else before. This man, this man, this is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock who made them feel young and attractive and wanted again? That's all that I have to say.
Max [The ladies stand and applaud]
And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson and that we'll never do it again.
