William Thacker [to Martin]
If I were to employ a wet rag would I have to pay it as much as I pay you?
Played by Hugh Grant 
Notting Hill (1999) · 57 quotes
Notting Hill (1999) · 57 quotes
Most-quoted character in Notting Hill (1999): in 38 of its 57 quotes
Most scenes with: Anna Scott (20), Max (6), Spike (4)
Would you like something to eat? Something to nibble? Apricots, soaked in honey? Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting like apricots and makes them taste like honey... and if you wanted honey, you could just... buy honey. Instead of apricots. But nevertheless they're yours if you want them.
More lines from William Thacker
5 quotes William Thacker William Thacker Actually, apart from the American, I've loved only two girls. The first one left me faster than you can say Indiana Jones, and the second one, who seriously ought to have known better, casually marries my best friend.
William Thacker It's as if I've taken love heroin, and now I can't ever have it again.
William Thacker [after hitting his shin on a fence while climbing over it]
Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile? [Anna kisses him] Nice garden.
William Thacker [about Anna's new film project]
Any horses in that one? Or hounds for that matter; our readers are equally intrigued by both species.
Scenes with William Thacker
32 scenes William [Spike is wearing Will's wetsuit]
Can I ask you why you are wearing that?
Combination of factors. No clean clothes.
William There never will be unless you actually clean your clothes.
Vicious cycle. And I was rooting around in your things and found this and thought groovy.
There's something wrong with this yogurt.
William Ah, that's not yogurt, that's mayonnaise...
Ah, right-o then.
[continues to eat it]
William I enjoyed the movie very much. I was just wondering, did you ever consider having more horses in it?
Well, we would have liked to. But it was difficult, obviously, being set in space.
William Is this your first film?
12-yr-old Actress
Well... actually it's my 22nd!
William Any favorites among the 22?
12-yr-old Actress
Working with Leonardo.
William DaVinci?
12-yr-old Actress
DiCaprio.
William Of course. And is... is he your favorite Italian director?
Writer
Oh, I see she took your grandmother's flowers.
William Yeah... bitch.
William Sorry about the "surreal but nice" comment.
Don't worry, I thought the whole apricot honey thing was the real low point.
William Would you like a cup of tea before you go?
No.
William Orange juice? No, probably not... something else cold? Coke? Water? Some disgusting sugary drink pretending to have something to do with fruits of the forest?
No.
William Do you... always say no to everything?
William Calm down, have a cup of tea.
No! I don't want any goddamn tea!
You know what they say about men with big feet.
William No, I don't, actually. What's that?
Big feet... large shoes.
What is it about men and nudity? Particularly breasts? How can you be so interested in them?
William Well...
I mean seriously: they're just breasts. Every second person has them. They're odd looking, they're for milk from your mother. What's all the fuss about?
What's so annoying is now I'm so totally fierce when it comes to nudity clauses.
William You have clauses in your contract?
Yeah. "you may show the dent at the top of the artist's buttocks, but neither cheek or if a stunt bottom is being used, artists must have full consultation".
William You have a stunt bottom?
I could have a stunt bottom, yes.
William Are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own?
Well yeah, I would. This is important stuff.
William Hell of a thing to put on your passport, Occupation "Mel Gibson's bottom".
Actually Mel does his own ass work. Well, why wouldn't he.
What do you think?
William Gripping. It's not Jane Austen, it's not Henry James but it's gripping.
You think I should do Henry James?
William I think you'd be wonderful in Henry James but this writer - writers, they're pretty good too.
You never get anyone in Wings of a Dove saying "inform the Pentagon we need Black Star cover."
William And for me the book is the poorer for it.
Wait, what about me?
Sorry, you think you deserve the brownie?
Well a shot at it at least huh?
William Well, you'll have to fight me for it, this is a very good brownie.
I've been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade. I've had a series of not nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me. Ah, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment. And it's taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this.
Really?
Really. (indicates nose and chin) And, one day not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can't act and I will become some sad middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.
William Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
You haven't slept with her, have you?
William That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
"No comment" means "yes."
William No it doesn't.
Do you ever masturbate?
William DEFINITELY no comment.
You see? It means "yes."
Martin Did you know, and this is pretty amazing, but I once saw Ringo Starr.
William Where was that?
Martin Kensington High Street. At least I think it was Ringo, um, it could have been that guy from Fiddler on the Roof. You know, Toppy.
William Topol.
William Yes... yes that's right, Topol.
William Mmmhmmm. Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't- doesn't at all look like, uh, Topol.
Martin Yes, but, he was- he was quite a long way away from me.
William So it actually could've been neither of them.
Martin Yes, I suppose, so.
William It's not really a classic, anecdote, is it?
Martin Not a classic, no.
Bella Do you want to stay?
William Why not? All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.
Keziah
No thanks, I'm a fruitarian.
I didn't realize that.
William And, ahm: what exactly is a fruitarian?
Keziah
We believe that fruits and vegetables have feeling so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that have actually fallen off a tree or bush - that are, in fact, dead already.
William Right. Right. Interesting stuff. So, these carrots...
Keziah
Have been murdered, yes.
William Murdered? Poor carrots. How beastly!
William Whoopsidaisies!
What did you say?
William Nothing.
Yes you did.
William No I didn't.
You said "whoopsidaisies".
William I don't think so. No one says "whoopsidaisies" do they? Unless they're...
There is no "unless." No one has said "whoopsidaisies" for fifty years and even then it was only little girls with blonde ringlets.
William Exactly. Here we go again.
William [He falls off the fence again]
Whoopsidaisies. It's a disease I've got. It's a clinical thing. I'm taking pills and having injections. It won't last long.
I can't believe you have that picture on your wall.
William You like Chagall?
I do. It feels like how being in love should be. Floating through a dark blue sky.
William With a goat playing the violin.
Yes - happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat.
Rita Hayworth used to say, "They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me."
William Who's Gilda?
Her most famous part. Men went to bed with the dream; they didn't like it when they would wake up with the reality. Do you feel that way?
William You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.
William [Anna has left after the press showed up on the doorstep]
Was it you?
I may have told a few people down at the pub.
William Please, sod off.
Ok.
William No, no, no! I thought you were someone else. I mean I thought you were Spike, but I'm thrilled you're not.
Busy tomorrow?
William I thought you were leaving tomorrow?
I was.
William I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.
I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna's a goddess, you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.
William Buggered, is it?
Every time.
But she said she wanted to go out with you?
William Yes - sort of...
That's nice.
William What?
Well, you know, anybody saying they want to go out with you is... pretty great... isn't it...?
William It was sort of sweet actually - I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line - but she said that she might be as famous as can be - but also... that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. [pause] Oh, sod a dog. I've made the wrong decision, haven't I?
Can I stay for a while?
William You can stay forever.
Hi. [Shows off her dress.]
Ah yes, Happy Birthday.
Thank you.
Look, your brother's brought this girl ...
Hi guys! [Walks into the house and turns a corner.] Oh, holy ****!
William Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She is my baby sister.
Oh, hi.
Oh God! This is one of those key moments in life when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool and I ... I'm going to fail just a 100%. I ... I absolutely, totally, and utterly adore you, and I just think ... you are the most beautiful woman in the world. And more importantly, I genuinely believe, and I've believed for some time now, that ... that we could be best friends. So what do you think?
Oh ... ha ha, uh, lucky me! [Offers present.] Um ah well, Happy Birthday.
Oh, you gave me a present. We're best friends already then. ... Marry Will! He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.
Well, I'll think about it.
William [leaving the restaurant after challenging the loud guys]
I'm sorry.
No, I love that you tried. Time was I'd have done the same thing. In fact...[turns back and walks up to the loud table] Hi.
Loud Man in Restaurant
Oh. My. God.
I just wanted to apologize for my friend - he's very sensitive.
Loud Man in Restaurant
No, I mean...
No, leave it. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm, I'm sure it was just friendly banter, I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner, the tuna's really good.
William Anna, look. I’m a fairly level-headed bloke, not often in and out of love. But, uh… can I just say no to your kind request and leave it at that?
Yes, fine. Of course, I, of course. Oh, well I’ll just be going then. It was nice seeing you.
William The thing is, with you I'm in real danger. It seems like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours, but my relatively inexperienced heart would I fear not recover uh if I was, once again, cast aside as I would absolutely expect to be. There's just too many pictures of you, too many films. You know, you'd go and I'd be... uh, well buggered basically.
That really is a real no, is it?
William I live in Notting Hill, you live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are; my mother has trouble remembering my name.
Fine. Fine. Good decision. [Nods her head] Good decision. [After a pause] The fame thing isn't really real you know? And don't forget I'm... I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
William So what do you think? Good move?
Good move. When all is said and done, she's nothing special. I saw her taking her trousers down and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.
Bella Good decision. All actresses are as mad as snakes.
William Tony, what do you think?
Tony Never met her, never want to.
William Brilliant. Max?
Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
William Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
William's just turned down Anna Scott.
No, no, no, no, it's actually quite sensible.
Bella [looks at the painting of the Chagall that Anna gave William]
That painting isn't the original, is it?
William Umm, yeah, I think it might be.
But she said she wanted to go out with you?
William Yes...sort of...
That's nice.
William What?
Well, you know, anyone saying they want to go out with you is...pretty great...isn't it?
William It was sort of sweet, actually- um, I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line, but she said she might be as famous as can be, but also...that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. [pause] Oh, sod a dog, I've made the wrong decision, haven't I? [Spike nods. Another pause] Max, how fast is your car?
P.R. Chief Right. Yes. The gentleman in the pink shirt.
William Yes. Miss Scott, are there any circumstances in which the two of you might be more than just good friends?
I hoped there would be but no, I've been assured that there aren't.
William But what would you say...
P.R. Chief I'm sorry. Just the one question.
No. It's alright. You were saying?
William I was just wondering if uh it turned out that this person...
Journalist
Thacker. His name is Thacker.
William Right. Thanks. Just wondered if Mr. Thacker realised he'd been a daft prick and got down on his knees and begged you to reconsider whether you would in fact... then reconsider.
William That's very good news. Um, the readers of Horse and Hound will be absolutely delighted.
P.R. Chief [Anna whispers in the P.R. Chief's ear]
Right, uh...Dominic... if you'd like to ask your question again?
Journalist
Yeah? Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain?
[pause, smiles]
Indefinitely. [Elvis Costello's "She" begins to play as the camera pans between Will and Anna]
