Max James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.
Played by Tim McInnerny 
Notting Hill (1999) · 57 quotes
Notting Hill (1999) · 57 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Notting Hill (1999): in 7 of its 57 quotes
Most scenes with: William Thacker (6), Honey (3), Anna Scott (2)
Scenes with Max
7 scenes Max 
Wait, what about me?
Max Sorry, you think you deserve the brownie?
Well a shot at it at least huh?
Well, you'll have to fight me for it, this is a very good brownie.
I've been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade. I've had a series of not nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me. Ah, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment. And it's taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this.
Really?
Really. (indicates nose and chin) And, one day not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can't act and I will become some sad middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.
Max [long pause]
Nah, nice try gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone.
Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
Max You haven't slept with her, have you?
That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
Max "No comment" means "yes."
No it doesn't.
Max Do you ever masturbate?
DEFINITELY no comment.
Max You see? It means "yes."
Keziah
No thanks, I'm a fruitarian.
Max I didn't realize that.
And, ahm: what exactly is a fruitarian?
Keziah
We believe that fruits and vegetables have feeling so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that have actually fallen off a tree or bush - that are, in fact, dead already.
Right. Right. Interesting stuff. So, these carrots...
Keziah
Have been murdered, yes.
Murdered? Poor carrots. How beastly!
Max Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna's a goddess, you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.
Buggered, is it?
Max Every time.
Max [Opens door.]
Hi.
Hi. [Shows off her dress.]
Max Ah yes, Happy Birthday.
Thank you.
Max Look, your brother's brought this girl ...
Hi guys! [Walks into the house and turns a corner.] Oh, holy ****!
Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She is my baby sister.
Oh, hi.
Oh God! This is one of those key moments in life when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool and I ... I'm going to fail just a 100%. I ... I absolutely, totally, and utterly adore you, and I just think ... you are the most beautiful woman in the world. And more importantly, I genuinely believe, and I've believed for some time now, that ... that we could be best friends. So what do you think?
Oh ... ha ha, uh, lucky me! [Offers present.] Um ah well, Happy Birthday.
Oh, you gave me a present. We're best friends already then. ... Marry Will! He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.
Well, I'll think about it.
So what do you think? Good move?
Good move. When all is said and done, she's nothing special. I saw her taking her trousers down and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.
Bella
Good decision. All actresses are as mad as snakes.
Tony, what do you think?
Tony
Never met her, never want to.
Brilliant. Max?
Max Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
William's just turned down Anna Scott.
No, no, no, no, it's actually quite sensible.
Bella
[looks at the painting of the Chagall that Anna gave William]
That painting isn't the original, is it?
Umm, yeah, I think it might be.
But she said she wanted to go out with you?
Yes...sort of...
That's nice.
What?
Well, you know, anyone saying they want to go out with you is...pretty great...isn't it?
It was sort of sweet, actually- um, I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line, but she said she might be as famous as can be, but also...that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. [pause] Oh, sod a dog, I've made the wrong decision, haven't I? [Spike nods. Another pause] Max, how fast is your car?
