National Lampoon's Vacation quotes

67 total quotes

Clark Griswold
Multiple Characters
Roy Walley

View Quote Lasky: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could poke an eye out with this thing.
Lasky: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

View Quote Rusty: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
Ellen: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.
[Clark spits out his sandwich. Aunt Edna looks at hers, shrugs, then keeps eating it.]

View Quote Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

View Quote Clark: [looking at raw tomato paste] Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best!

View Quote Ellen: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
Clark: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
Audrey: What?
Clark: I said didn't you think it was real?
Audrey: What?
Ellen: Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Clark: Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.

View Quote Cousin Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.

View Quote Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: [pulling some 20s out of his wallet] Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin Eddie: About fifty-two thousand dollars.
[Clark quickly begins putting the money back in his wallet]

View Quote Rusty: [looking through Dale's porno magazines] Would you ever consider selling any of these?
Cousin Dale: No way, I treasure these. I use them a lot.
Rusty: How do you use magazines?
Cousin Dale: Ya ever bop your boloney?

View Quote Clark: Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?
Ellen: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

View Quote Clark: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
Ellen: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Audrey: Yes, he can!
Clark: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
[thunder rumbles]

View Quote Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.

View Quote Ahhh! I'd like to propose a toast, if I may? Here's to...a very restful vacation. Here's to...a very relaxing vacation. A renewed love affair. And...a time of joy with our babies.

View Quote Audrey: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.
Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]

View Quote Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey: So, everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.

View Quote Motorcycle Cop: Ya know, if I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver, faster than you could say "police brutality."