Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes

View Quote Dog: [indicates massive gun] What the **** is that?
Mickey: It's me Bren gun.
Dog: Couldn't you have thought of something more practical?

View Quote Dean: He's got the guns. Go ahead. You get them.
Gary: Why me?
Dean: You're supposed to be the hard case.
Gary: [shrieks] You get the guns. I drive the car!

View Quote Lock, stock, the ****in' lot.

View Quote Paul: Come take a look at this.
Traffic Warden: Take a look at what, exactly?
Paul: Well, the van's half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it, [knocks him out] and I'm off.

View Quote Soap: Have a look at these. [hands Tom a ski mask]
Tom: What are we supposed to do with these?
Soap: Put them on your head, stupid.
Tom: Christ.
Soap: If you think I'm turning up clean-shaven and greet them with a grin, you've got another thing coming. These fellas are your neighbors. I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves.
Tom: Right...er, good thinking, Soap. Well done.
Soap: I brought weapons as well.
Tom: What do you mean weapons?
Soap: [pulls a bundle from his coat and unrolls it, revealing many large knives] These.
Tom: Jesus! [grabs the bundle and rerolls it] Let's keep 'em covered up, eh? Couldn't you get anything bigger?
Soap: [pulls a machete from his trousers]] What, like that? What d'you think?
Tom: I think you need help.

View Quote Mother! Brother! Any other sucker! They're still ****ing guns! And they still fire ****ing bullets!

View Quote Don: I'll fold.
Phil: Fold? Is that the only word you learnt at school?
Don: No, I also learned the word ****!

View Quote There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.

View Quote [Trying to stop his monitor switching off] Come on! Not now, please, not - [monitor goes off] Oh, you ****ing bastard.

View Quote J: [Discussing their careers as marijuana growers] I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
Charles: Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.

View Quote Eddie: Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Bacon: Don't complicate things, just hide!

View Quote Guns for a show, knives for a pro

View Quote You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not.

View Quote Rory Breaker: What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
Winston: Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
Rory Breaker: You don't say.

View Quote They're lacking in a criminal credibility, ain't they? I might get laughed at.