I'm 15 years old. In two years, I reach the peak of my sexual powers. The clock is ticking. I have to get jamming.
Can't you hear what you're saying? Aren't you a little embarrassed?
Nope. I'm horny. Horny will kick embarrassment's ass every time.
Budster, listen to me. Don't you want your first time to be with someone you love?
I guarantee it, I'll be in love.
Mr. Raymaker I'm sorry I misjudged you.
You don't have to apologize. I wouldn't have this job if it weren't for you. I mean, you forced me to fight for what I wanted, and I will never forget you for that.
Mr. Raymaker Thank you.
Budmeister, are you okay?
No, Terry, I'm not. Mom and Dad come home Monday. I've had two weeks of total freedom. The closest that I've come to sex was a girl who took her top off to seduce my sister. What's wrong with me?
Can't you think of anything more profound than getting laid?
A blowjob?
Come on, Buddy, admit it. You would love to spend your entire life just using women's bodies.
Yeah, all but the last 60 seconds. I'd like a little time to reminisce.
I am going to be a reporter.
Mr. Raymaker That's good. I like that attitude. But don't you think that it would be nice to have something to fall back on?
Like what?
Mr. Raymaker Uh, well, you're a pretty girl, you could be a model.
Be a model? Why? Because a pretty girl couldn't possibly have a brain?
I bet you're a little confused.
I think I understand.
I know I should've told you sooner, but, uh... I didn't. Um... I'm a...
I'm not gay.
Wait a minute. Now I'm confused.
I'm a girl. I'm a woman.
Wait a minute, are those what I think they are?
I'm sorry.
Where do you get off having tits?
There was this contest, and I needed prove it, but then I stayed and I met you. And you're so wonderful that...
Shit... I can't believe this.
Rick, I know you're mad, but I think you're terrific, and your friendship means so much to me that I just...
Then this whole thing was bullshit. Major bullshit.
...
It's okay, everybody. It's all right. He has tits.
Sometimes I just wish I were a guy.
No, you don't. The male body needs sex at all times. It's a living hell.
Very crucial. Something every guy does. Let me see you scratch your balls.
Hey, come on, try it.
Wait a minute. Watch the master. Now first, there's your basic shift. [Buddy shifts his body with his balls] But that's not always enough. Sometimes you've got to get inside, dig a little, let some air in, move things around.
Yeah, well, maybe my balls don't itch.
All balls itch. It's a fact!
What are you doing?
What's it look like I'm doing?
Well, do you have to do that in here?
Seemed like the right time, certainly the right place.
Um, excuse me. Could I have your attention please? Your attention? Every day at lunch, we get a very special treat from a very special guy. A guy who has dedicated his life to building his body, pushing his muscles to the very limits of human endurance. Why, you ask? Why? Well, to be strong enough to lift tables and spill food, Greg Tolan!
Whoa, wait. Let's take a moment to find out a little bit about the man behind the mess. Greg! May I call you Greg? Now, tell us, Greg, how did you get into spilling food, huh? Were you a messy baby? Did you hate your strained peas? Well, you know, how most psychologists tell us that guys, well, they get into body building to compensate for either a lack of IQ, or a small weenie. Which is it, Greg? Well, those of us in Greg's gym class certainly know the answer to that one.
Greg I'm going to beat the shit out of you, Morehouse!
Deborah Greg, please!
Hey, isn't he great? Muscles and a sense of humor. Well, let's thank Greg for the many lunchtime thrills and spills he's given us. All right everybody, up! Come on, everybody up! Grab an end of your table! [the kids in the cafeteria go to an end of their table] A tribute to you, Greg. Lift! [everybody in the cafeteria lifts their table, spilling food, including spilling their food on Greg's feet] We love you, Greg!
Listen, there's a half-naked woman in your bedroom feeding pizza to some fish, and she's all yours.
Sounds too kinky for me.
Budster, I need you. She needs you. You need her.
Is she really half-naked?
Maybe more by now.
What if you're lying?
What if I'm not?
Good point. If I'm not back in a week, forward my mail.
I know I could do better. I'm just confused.
Of course you're confused. You're wearing my underwear.
Hello? Hey, yo, scumbag! Hey, suck your own. Eat me. Hey, same to you, buttface! [Terry stares] Mom says 'hi.'
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I've never had sex before. I've had lots of sex. Just that now I want to try it with a partner.
