Diane quotes from It Takes Two (1995) ... Movie Quotes Database

Played by Kirstie Alley

It Takes Two (1995) · 16 quotes

Scenes with Diane

8 scenes

Diane

[to the main office of child services on the phone]

Let me just run this by you one more time, okay? Please, just hear me out, one more time. Okay. I know I don't make that much money, and I know that I'm a little bit single, but I want to adopt Amanda.

Diane

[Anderson laughs on the other end]

No, I... Are you laughing at me? [to Patty] He's laughing at me! [to phone] You... You stupid JERK! [hangs up in fury]

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Roger

[after the macaroni spills on Roger's head, Diane laughs and snorts as quietly as she can]

Excuse me, ma'am. Did you just snort?

Roger

[Diane shakes her head, snorts, and laughs again]

I suppose you think this is funny? [picks up a butterknife w/a bit of butter on it] Well, maybe you'll get a little chuckle outta this.

Diane

You wouldn't dare.

Diane

[Roger flings the butter on her; Diane yelps]

FOOD FIGHT!!!
[a food fight breaks out]

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Diane

[Diane storms into the office after after Alyssa, as Amanda, was "adopted" by the Butkises]

You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!

Jerry

They had the paperwork!

Diane

What paperwork?!

Patty

[hands Diane the paperwork]

We couldn't find you! Miss Van **** was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?!

Diane

I would have! [drops the paperwork] I'm takin' the Jeep! [takes the keys to the Jeep]

Jerry

Hey, that's the camp's!

Diane

[furiously]

Oh, don't you even...! [storms off]

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Alyssa

[the helicopter flies across New York City, on the way to St. Bart's]

We'll never make it! We only have 10 minutes!

Diane

So, Lou!

Lou

Yeah?

Diane

How close can you land this thing to the church?

Lou

Central Park close enough?

Diane

Central Park? The Central Park? That'll do.

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Diane

[Diane and Alyssa spot a horse-drawn carriage; Alyssa gets on]

Oh, no. NOT another horse!

Alyssa

Diane, come on!

Diane

All right.

Diane

[she gets into the carriage]

Where is the driver?

Diane

[she notices that the driver is at the hot dog stand, eating hot dogs]

Oh! Hey, Buddy! Listen, you gotta take us to St. Bart's right away! It's an emergency!

Driver

[mouthful]

We're closed, Miss. I'm on my break!

Diane

[Diane turns to Alyssa, and **** her head, signaling her to get in the driver's seat and take the reins; Diane gets in the passenger seat and turns angrily to the driver]

I wanna thank you for all your help, Bud!

Alyssa

[whips the reins]

HYAH!

Driver

[the horse runs off, pulling the carriage; Diane falls backwards into the seat; the driver notices and runs after his horse] [still mouthful]

Hey. Hey, lady! Hey, that's...

Driver

[he spits] [screams clearly]

THAT'S MY HORSE!!!!!

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Alyssa

[Alyssa and Diane arrive at the front steps of the church]

Aren't you coming?!

Diane

[stammers]

Uh, no, I think I'm just gonna wait for Amanda out here.

Alyssa

Diane Barrows! Get your butt up here this... instant!

Diane

Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll just stand in the back and take a little look-see.

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Clarice

This is all YOUR fault!

Vincenzo

[she is about to slap Amanda (posing as Alyssa) but is stopped by Vincenzo] [furiously]

Lady, if you touch that child, I'll POP you one, so help me God!

Clarice

[Clarice storms off and sees the real Alyssa, then Amanda, and she does a double take]

Oh, my God! There's two of them! It's a conspiracy! [laughs and smiles] Well, at least I'll get to hit one of you.

Diane

[she reaches over to slap Alyssa, but Diane stops her]

HEY! Back off, "Barbie". And by the way, you have a little, tiny bit of something right here on your teeth.

Clarice

[she points to Clarice having lipstick on her teeth]

I have never been more humiliated in my LIFE!

Alyssa

[she heads out the door, when...]

Wanna bet?

Clarice

[she steps on the hem of Clarice's wedding gown, pulling her skirt down and exposing her underpants in front of the guests; they all laugh and take photographs]

Oh, my God! [shrieks] Daddy! [runs out in humiliation] Oh, my God!

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Alyssa

[to Amanda]

Told ya, third time's the charm.

Roger

W-wait a minute. All of this? This was your doing?

Diane

[both Amanda and Alyssa nod their heads in unison]

Oh, it WAS, was it?

Roger

[the girls nod their heads in unison again]