Col. Hans Landa quotes from Inglorious Basterds (2009)

Col. Hans Landa

Tell me, Aldo- if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy?

Col. Hans Landa

Now, according to these papers, all the Jewish families in this area have been accounted for, except the Dreyfuses. Somewhere in the last year it would appear they've vanished, which leads me to the conclusion that they've either made good their escape, or someone is very successfully hiding them. What have you heard about the Dreyfuses, Monsieur LaPadite?

Perrier LaPadite

Only rumors.

Landa

I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, but rumors, true or false, are often revealing.

Col. Hans Landa

The feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers, I can think like a Jew, where they can only think like a German — more precisely: German soldier. Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. The Führer and Goebbels's propaganda have said pretty much the same thing, but where our conclusions differ is: I don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider, for a moment, the world a rat lives in. It's a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door right now, would you greet it with hostility?

Perrier LaPadite

I suppose I would.

Landa

Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel towards them?

LaPadite

Rats spread diseases. They bite people.

Landa

Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you, any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree?

LaPadite

Oui.

Landa

Yet I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you?

LaPadite

No.

Landa

But they're both rodents, are they not? And except for the tail, they even rather look alike, don't they?

LaPadite

It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel.

Landa

Ha! However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here right now, as I'm talking, would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk?

LaPadite

Probably not.

Landa

I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews: where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn. He looks in the attic. He looks in the cellar. He looks everywhere he would hide, but there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer has brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me, because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.

Col. Hans Landa

Now, my job dictates that I must have my men enter your home and conduct a thorough search before I can officially cross your family's name off my list, and if there are any irregularities to be found, rest assured they will be — that is, unless you have something to tell me that makes the conducting of a search unnecessary. I might add, also, that any information that makes the performance of my duties easier will not be met with punishment. Actually, quite the contrary, it will be met with reward, and that reward will be your family will cease to be harassed in any way by the German military during the rest of our occupation of your country. [stares hard at LaPadite] You are sheltering enemies of the state, are you not?

Perrier LaPadite

Yes.

Landa

You're sheltering them underneath your floorboards, aren't you?

LaPadite

Yes.

Landa

Point out to me the areas where they are hiding. [LaPadite points.] Since I haven't heard any disturbance, I assume that while they're listening, they don't speak English.

LaPadite

Yes.

Landa

I'm going to switch back to French now. I want you to follow my masquerade. Is that clear?

LaPadite

Yes.

Landa

Monsieur LaPadite, I thank you for the milk and your hospitality. I do believe our business here is done. [opens the door and lets SS soldiers in] Ah, ladies. I thank you for your time. We shan't be bothering your family any longer. So, Monsieur, Mademoiselle, I bid farewell to you and say: adieu! [The soldiers shoot up the floorboards]

Lt. Aldo Raine

Buongiorno.

Col. Hans Landa

Gentlemen, it's a pleasure; the friends of our cherished star, admired by all of us – this outright jewel of our culture – are naturally going to be under my personal protection for the duration of their stay.

Raine

Grazie.

Landa

Please, am I pronouncing it correctly?

Raine

Sì – er, corretto.

Col. Hans Landa

As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in – 0023 and 0024, if my memory serves – explosives still around their ankle, still ready to explode, and your mission, some would call it terrorist plot, as of this moment is still a go.

Lt. Aldo Raine

That's a pretty exciting story. What's next, Eliza on Ice?

Landa

However, all I have to do is pick up this phone right there, inform the cinema, and your plan's kaput.

Raine

If they're still there, and if they're still alive – and that's one big if – there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without setting off them bombs.

Landa

I have no doubt. Yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night. But you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann. And you need all four to end the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four. And if you get all four, you end the war … tonight. [lifts up the Chianti and fills their glasses] So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.

Gentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war tonight, we have to make a deal.

What kind o' deal?

Landa

The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer — a general, I'm betting — for OSS would be my guess. [Raine is speechless] Oooh, that's a bingo! Is that the way you say it, "That's a bingo"?

Raine

You just say "bingo."

Landa

Bingo! How fun.

Lt. Aldo Raine

You know, where I'm from—

Col. Hans Landa

Yeah, where is that, exactly?

Raine

Maynardville, Tennessee — I done my share of bootleggin'. Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity, but what we call a man just trying to earn a living for his family selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short: we hear a story too good to be true – it ain't.

Landa

Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing. And 999.999 times out of a million you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand. What shall the history books read?

Col. Hans Landa

I'm officially surrendering myself over to you, Lieutenant Raine. We're your prisoners.

Lt. Aldo Raine

How 'bout my knife? [Landa gives Raine his Bowie knife] Thank you very much, Colonel. Utivich, cuff the Colonel's hands behind his back.

Landa

Oh, is that really necessary?

Raine

I'm a slave to appearances. [shoots Hermann with Landa's Walther] [to Utivich] Scalp Hermann.

Landa

Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your generals for that man's life!

Raine

Yeah, they made that deal. but they don't give a **** about him. They need you.

Landa

You'll be shot for this!

Raine

Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before.