You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'. Up the road apiece, there's an orchard. Now, besides you, we know there's another kraut patrol **** around there somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a god-damn sniper's delight. If you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this here map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kind of artillery they're carrying with them.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger.
Well, now Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to know about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me right now. Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party's being held, how many's coming, and what they brought to play with.
Rachtman [Placing his hand on his chest]
I respectfully refuse, sir.
[Rapping sound]
Hear that?
Rachtman Yes.
That's Sgt. Donny Donowitz. You might know him better by his nickname: the Bear Jew. Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta have heard of the Bear Jew.
Rachtman I've heard of the Bear Jew.
Rachtman He beats German soldiers with a club.
He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat, what he does. Now, Werner, I'm gonna ask you one last god-damn time. If you still respectfully refuse, I'm calling the Bear Jew over. He's gonna take that big bat of his, and he's gonna beat your ass to death with it. Now, take your wiener schnitzel lickin' finger and point out on this map what I want to know.
Rachtman [Softly]
**** you... [screams] and your Jew dogs! [The Basterds all laugh.]
Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to hear you say that. Quite frankly, watching Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to going to the movies. Donny!
Sgt. Donny Donowitz [From within a cave]
Yeah?
We got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him!
Donowitz [Appears from cave and taps medal on Rachtman's chest]
Did you get that for killing Jews?
Rachtman Bravery. [Donny makes a few practice swings on Rachtman's head and then proceeds to bludgeon Rachtman]
BS Basterds Squad
Yeah! Oh, no! Donny! Yeah, Donny!
[To Wehrmacht captive Butz]
About now I'd be shitting my pants if I was you. [Basterds laugh]
Donowitz Teddy **** Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park is on its feet for Teddy **** Ballgame! He went yard on that one, on to **** Lansdowne Street! [to another prisoner] You! [Prisoner begins running and Hirschberg shoots him]
Damn it, Hirschberg! Donny, bring that other one over here... ALIVE.
Donowitz [To Butz]
Get the **** up! Batter up. You're on deck! Two hits. I hit you, you hit the ground.
Corporal Butz Nein
Wicki! Ask him if he wants to live. [Wicki translates] Tell him to point out on this map the German position. [Butz quickly points; the Basterds laugh]
Ask him how many Germans. [Butz replies]
Wilhelm Wicki Around about 12.
What kind of artillery? [Butz replies] Now, when you report what happened here, you can't tell them you told us what you told us. They'll shoot you. They're going to want to know why you're so special we let you live. So tell them we let you live so you could spread the word through the ranks what's going to happen to every Nazi we find. If you survive the war, when you get home, whatcha gonna do? [Butz replies]
Wicki He's gonna hug his mother.
Well, ain't that nice. Ask him if he's gonna take off his uniform. [Butz replies]
Wicki He's gonna burn it.
Yeah, that's what we thought. We don't like that. See, we like our Nazis in uniforms. That way you can spot 'em [Snaps fingers] just like that. If you take off that uniform, ain't nobody gonna know you was a Nazi. That don't sit well with us. [Draws his Bowie knife] So I'm gonna give you something you can't take off.
As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in – 0023 and 0024, if my memory serves – explosives still around their ankle, still ready to explode, and your mission, some would call it terrorist plot, as of this moment is still a go.
That's a pretty exciting story. What's next, Eliza on Ice?
However, all I have to do is pick up this phone right there, inform the cinema, and your plan's kaput.
If they're still there, and if they're still alive – and that's one big if – there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without setting off them bombs.
I have no doubt. Yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night. But you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann. And you need all four to end the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four. And if you get all four, you end the war … tonight. [lifts up the Chianti and fills their glasses] So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.
I'm officially surrendering myself over to you, Lieutenant Raine. We're your prisoners.
How 'bout my knife? [Landa gives Raine his Bowie knife] Thank you very much, Colonel. Utivich, cuff the Colonel's hands behind his back.
Oh, is that really necessary?
I'm a slave to appearances. [shoots Hermann with Landa's Walther] [to Utivich] Scalp Hermann.
Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your generals for that man's life!
Yeah, they made that deal. but they don't give a **** about him. They need you.
Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before.
Now, my job dictates that I must have my men enter your home and conduct a thorough search before I can officially cross your family's name off my list, and if there are any irregularities to be found, rest assured they will be — that is, unless you have something to tell me that makes the conducting of a search unnecessary. I might add, also, that any information that makes the performance of my duties easier will not be met with punishment. Actually, quite the contrary, it will be met with reward, and that reward will be your family will cease to be harassed in any way by the German military during the rest of our occupation of your country. [stares hard at LaPadite] You are sheltering enemies of the state, are you not?
You're sheltering them underneath your floorboards, aren't you?
Point out to me the areas where they are hiding. [LaPadite points.] Since I haven't heard any disturbance, I assume that while they're listening, they don't speak English.
I'm going to switch back to French now. I want you to follow my masquerade. Is that clear?
[in French]
Monsieur LaPadite, I thank you for the milk and your hospitality. I do believe our business here is done. [opens the door and lets SS soldiers in] Ah, ladies. I thank you for your time. We shan't be bothering your family any longer. So, Monsieur, Mademoiselle, I bid farewell to you and say: adieu! [The soldiers shoot up the floorboards]
The feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers, I can think like a Jew, where they can only think like a German — more precisely: German soldier. Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. The Führer and Goebbels's propaganda have said pretty much the same thing, but where our conclusions differ is: I don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider, for a moment, the world a rat lives in. It's a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door right now, would you greet it with hostility?
Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel towards them?
Rats spread diseases. They bite people.
Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you, any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree?
Yet I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you?
But they're both rodents, are they not? And except for the tail, they even rather look alike, don't they?
It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel.
Ha! However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here right now, as I'm talking, would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk?
I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews: where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn. He looks in the attic. He looks in the cellar. He looks everywhere he would hide, but there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer has brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me, because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.
Hellstrom [in German]
I must say, I grow weary of these monkeyshines. [clicking sound] Did you hear that? That was the sound of my Walther. Pointed right at your testicles.
Lt. Archie Hicox Why do you have your Walther pointed at my testicles?
Hellstrom Because you've just given yourself away, Captain. You're no more German than that scotch.
Hicox Well, Major...
Bridget von Hammersmark Major...
Hellstrom Shut up, slut! You were saying?
Hicox I was saying that that makes two of us. I've had a gun pointed at your balls since you sat down.
Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz That makes three of us. And at this range, I'm a real Frederick Zoller.
Hellstrom Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here.
Hicox What's going to happen, Major... you're going to stand up and walk out that door with us.
Hellstrom No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. I'm afraid, you and I, we both know, Captain, no matter what happens to anybody else in this room the two of us aren't going anywhere. Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends. If any of you expect to live, you'll have to shoot them too. Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan. How sad.
Hicox [In English]
Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's.
Hellstrom [In English]
By all means, Captain.
Hicox There's a special ring in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily... [drinks his scotch] I must say, damn good stuff, Sir. Now, about this pickle we find ourselves in. It would appear there's only one thing left for you to do.
Hellstrom And what would that be?
Hicox Stiglitz...
Stiglitz Say "Auf Wiedersehen" to your Nazi balls!
Ten-hut! My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm puttin' together a special team; and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doing one thang and one thang only … killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a ****in' aer-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac, and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every sumbitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die.Now, I am the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger, and that means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us, and the Germans won't be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the Germans will be sickened by us, and the Germans will talk about us, and the Germans will fear us. And when the Germans close their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil that they've done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tortured with. Sound good?
That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors: when you join my command, you take on debt, a debt you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps! And all y'all will get me one hundred Nazi scalps taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis, or you will die tryin'!
Up the road apiece, there's an orchard. Now, besides you, we know there's another kraut patrol **** around there somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a god-damn sniper's delight. If you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this here map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kind of artillery they're carrying with them.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger.
Well, now Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to know about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me right now. Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party's being held, how many's coming, and what they brought to play with.
Sgt. Rachtman I respectfully refuse, sir.
[rapping sound]
Hear that?
Sgt. Rachtman Yes.
That's Sgt. Donny Donowitz. You might know him better by his nickname: the Bear Jew. Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta have heard of the Bear Jew.
Sgt. Rachtman I've heard of the Bear Jew.
Sgt. Rachtman He beats German soldiers with a club.
He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat, what he does. Now, Werner, I'm gonna ask you one last god-damn time. If you still respectfully refuse, I'm calling the Bear Jew over. He's gonna take that big bat of his, and he's gonna beat your ass to death with it. Now, take your wiener schnitzel lickin' finger and point out on this map what I want to know.
Sgt. Rachtman **** you, and your Jew dogs! [The Basterds all laugh.]
Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to here you say that. Quite frankly, watching Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to going to the movies. Donny!
Sgt. Donny Donowitz [from offscreen]
Yeah?
We got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him!
You know, where I'm from—
Yeah, where is that, exactly?
Maynardville, Tennessee — I done my share of bootleggin'. Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity, but what we call a man just trying to earn a living for his family selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short: we hear a story too good to be true – it ain't.
Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing. And 999.999 times out of a million you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand. What shall the history books read?
Major Dieter Hellstrom [Hellstrom is trying to guess the famous person written on the card on his forehead, who is King Kong]
Now, gentlemen, around this time you could ask whether you're real or fictitious. I, however, think that's too easy, so I won't ask that yet. Okay, my native land is the jungle. I visited America, but the visit was not fortuitous to me, but the implication is that it was to somebody else. When I went from the jungle to America, did I go by boat?
Bridget von Hammersmark Yes.
Hellstrom Did I go against my will?
Von Hammersmark Yes.
Hellstrom On this boat ride, was I in chains?
Von Hammersmark Yes.
Hellstrom When I arrived in America, was I displayed in chains?
Von Hammersmark Yes!
Hellstrom Am I the story of the negro in America?
Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki No.
Hellstrom Well, then, I must be King Kong.
