Simon Foster I really hope there isn't a war. It's gonna be a nightmare; it's bad enough dealing with the **** Olympics.
Played by Tom Hollander 
In The Loop (2009) · 53 quotes
In The Loop (2009) · 53 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in In The Loop (2009): in 17 of its 53 quotes
Most scenes with: Malcolm Tucker (9), Toby Wright (5), Judy Molloy (3)
Meeting my constituents? It's like being Simon Cowell but without the ability to say "**** off, you're mental."
More lines from Simon Foster
1 quote Simon Foster Scenes with Simon Foster
15 scenes Simon Foster [In a radio interview]
Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable.
Sam! Sam!
Eddie Mair
[On radio]
"Unforeseeable"?
Simon Foster [On radio]
Yes.
No, you do not think that! Sam, I'm going to have to go to International Development and pull Simon Foster's **** hair.
Simon Foster [Judy hangs up the phone]
Who was that?
Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
Simon Foster Oh shit, he's still alive. When's he due?
Umm... Eff off?
You'll go far! Now **** off.
Right. [leaves the room]
Simon Foster Judy and I were thinking that I could row back on Question Time tonight—
You're not going on Question Time, you've been disinvited.
Simon Foster We've been prepping Question Time!
Why wasn't I told about this?
Why the **** would I tell you it?! I've told you to **** off twice, and yet you're still here!
You should tell me about it because it's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state, so therefore it falls well within my purview!
"Within your purview"?
Yes!
Where do you think you are, in some **** regency costume drama?! This is a government department! Not a **** Jane **** Austen novel!
Simon Foster Malcolm...
Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your "purview" and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse-****!
Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me, those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!
Simon Foster [After Simon's "mountain of conflict" statement]
****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****! Why didn't we nail the line?!
Simon, I did try to warn you.
Simon Foster Yes! Yes! You did try to warn me, but you don't actually stop me, did you?!
I can't tackle you to the ground!
Simon Foster That's like shouting "Train!" as someone gets hit by a train! You should go; "Train! It's a **** train!"
Simon Foster [his phone rings also]
****, it's Malcolm!
Mine's Malcolm too.
Simon Foster How does he do that?
[talking on two mobiles]
Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now!
I'm here, I'm there, I'm **** everywhere. I'm the egg man.
Simon Foster Have you come to insult me in a different timezone?
Karen Clark will want you to say that war is unforeseeable, and Linton Barwick will want you to talk about the "climb the mountain of conflict" line. You say nothing, okay? You stay detached, otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas.
Simon Foster Right, can I go to bed now, please?
No, no, no, no, no! You're gonna stay here, and you're gonna rehearse saying nothing!
Simon Foster Am I being tortured?
Simon Foster I don't want to have to read you the Riot Act here. But I am going to have to read you some extracts from the Riot Act. Like "Section 1, Paragraph 1: Don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey." [impersonating Toby] "The British are coming!"
Okay, okay, Simon, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry. But it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon Foster No, you're right. I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done. You're a star. And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your dick out, start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo!" No, I'm being really unfair. You got so much right... without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments in my career. Thanks. You're a legend.
Simon Foster I've got this covered. Go and find the next thing, talk to that Chad boy. The boy from The Shining. He knows things.
Don't make me pump Chad!
Simon Foster I am making you pump Chad. Go on, it'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeazy.
No it won't, it'll be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult, that's what it'll be. (leaving the room) Have a lovely afternoon. Stop a war for me.
[reading a newspaper]
"While Foster jets around at the taxpayer's expense, his constituent's wall is collapsing and he doesn't give a shit!"
Simon Foster It doesn't say that.
No, but it does say "Wall-ace and Gromit"!
Simon Foster Wall-Ace, though!
You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire, and that's going, son! I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to someone else. [shouts outside his office] Jamie!
Simon Foster Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
Simon Foster What is this? Surround bollocking?
Hey, with all due respect I wasn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless... egg ****. Now I'm finished.
Simon Foster Hi, Jamie! This is Toby!
Hi, I'm Simon's aide.
Toby, very nice to meet you, please, sit down. Right, that's enough all the **** Oxbridge pleasantries!
What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
SHUT IT, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole-punch your face?!
Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them!
You know me, Malc, kid gloves, but made from real kids.
Haha. [leaves.]
Right. Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly, there's a cartoon in here of you as a walrus!
Simon Foster A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. ****, they've given me tusks!
Wall-rus? Do you get it? Wall-rus. Wall-rus.
Look, we called some builders, they didn't turn up when they said they would—
What did you expect?! THEY'RE BUILDERS! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No! BECAUSE THEY NEVER **** TURN UP IN THE NICK OF TIME! Bat-builder?! Spider-builder?! Huh?! That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!
Simon Foster After the vote... I resign.
OH, **** OFF. Resigning?! How **** impressive! Resign! The horse has bolted, it's out there now, it's getting **** SHOT!
Simon Foster See you later, Malcolm.
Simon Foster [The UN pass the resolution]
Yep. That's that, then.
Jolly good. "That's that, then" is your line for the ages, is it?
Simon Foster What?
Well... "I remember the day that war was declared. I turned to the minister and he said 'That's that, then. Anyone want a mint?'"
Simon Foster Piss off, Toby.
Simon Foster [A newspaper is reporting the collapse of Simon's constituency's wall]
God, how ridiculous! And that's news, is it?
It's not ridiculous. It's not ridiculous at all. [beat] You're fired.
Simon Foster What?
Over the wall. [Points at the paper] I mean, that's just not tolerable.
Simon Foster It's a **** wall, Malcolm.
Look, The Telegraph has a cartoon of you teetering on the Great Wall of China. Suggesting that you're the only political ****-up visible from space. Look at this! Look at it! No one could survive this! The PM's very clear about this; you're sacked. Over the wall.
Simon Foster No!
Yes!
Simon Foster You haven't--you haven't even spoken to the Prime Minister!
I--I--I have.
Simon Foster You **** haven't! I've been standing here right in front of you!
I have spoken to the Prime Minister. Whether it has happened or not is irrelevant, it is true! And he was very clear; you've got to go.
Simon Foster [Laughs nervously]
If you think I'm going quietly, Malcolm, you've made a mistake.
Well, if you want to try and turn this into some anti-war protest, expect to hear your "Mountain of Conflict" soundbite everywhere: from ringtones to, ****, a dance mix on YouTube. And I will marshal all the media forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide. [Simon stands, stunned and terrified] Right-oh, let's just go and draft your "Dear Prime Minister, just a quick note to say thanks for giving me the sack" letter. Off we tot! Come on, young Simon!
Deleted scenes[edit]
Simon Foster I think the reason America is a superpower is because everyone who comes here to negotiate is out of their minds with jet-lag. If somebody offered me a pillow now, I'd happily give them Gibraltar.
Simon Foster We'd sent someone round who built some temporary buttresses.
And that's your headline response, is it?! "We put up temporary buttresses, says flailing walrus ****"?!
Simon Foster "Pro-war"? That's ridiculous. I use a wormery. I've been to see Coldplay twice. OK, I've got to go. Look, you've got to play that down. I mean, obviously don't make out that I smoke weed, but you've got to make it clear, I'm not in Fight Club either. I'm ... Neutral Club. First rule of Neutral Club: let's hear what the other rules are, then we'll take an overview.
I'll- I'll just leave you to your... thoughts.
Simon Foster I haven't got any thoughts! I'm just staring, vacantly into space, while a distant voice in the back of my head goes, "Oh shit," like a car alarm in the middle of the night.
