General Miller quotes from In The Loop (2009)

Linton Barwick

So, welcome to the somewhat engorged session of the Future Planning Committee.

Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading. Don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? I mean, this is, after all, the war committee.

Linton Barwick

Uh, this is the Future Planning Committee.

Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee.

Linton Barwick

Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. (holds up a glass of water) I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. And this is the Future Planning Committee.

General Miller

Uh, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.

Malcolm Tucker

General Flintstone? Was it you? Did you leak PWIP-PIP? I mean, I know you can't fire a gun, but can you use a fax?

General Miller

No, I didn't leak PWIP-PIP, I do everything up-front. I'm not like some creepy little gay mercenary who sneaks around doing other people's dirty work.

Malcolm Tucker

I'm doing my own dirty work. I'm doing my job.

General Miller

No, I think you are doing Linton's dirty work. You're his little English bitch and you don't even know it. I bet if I went to your hotel room tonight, I'd see you down on all fours, with little fish-nets on with him hanging out the back of you.

Malcolm Tucker

Oh, that's nice! That's really tough talk coming from the **** armchair general! Why don't you put your feet up on the pouffe and go back to sleep, why don't you?

General Miller

Look, Tucker, you might be some scary little poodle-****er back there in London, but out here you're nothing. You know what you look like? A squeezed dick. You've got a big blue vein running up the side of your head. See, that's where I'd put the bullet. Only I'd have to stand back, 'cause you look like you'd be a squirter.

Malcolm Tucker

Have you ever actually killed anybody, I mean really?

General Miller

Yeah.

Malcolm Tucker

What, falling asleep on someone? I mean, that doesn't count!

General Miller

That's good! That's very good! How about you, pussy drip? Ever killed anybody?

Malcolm Tucker

Maiming is what I prefer. Psychologically.

General Miller

Well, why don't you try and maim me? I'll knock you so hard in the face you'll be shitting teeth.

Malcolm Tucker

Go ahead. I can see the headlines: "Peace-loving General Starts Fight at the UN, Swiss Intervene." I don't know, I'm no expert on spin, but that could hurt your career.

General Miller

Yeah?

Malcolm Tucker

Yeah. Now do excuse me, I've got work to do. [pause] Don't ever call me **** English again.
[Malcolm walks off, leaving General Miller confused.]

So you read Liza's paper I guess.

General Miller

I am a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.

Gore's gay.

General Miller

No he's not.

I beg to differ but...

General Miller

He's gay? 'Cause I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.

He is gay.

General Miller

Guess I'd better stop saying that then.

I e-mailed my resignation five minutes ago. And yours should come pretty soon, for the biggest media impact.

General Miller

I've been thinking.

Yeah?

General Miller

This has been the hardest political decision of my career. I'm not going to resign.

Huh? What the ****, George?

General Miller

Before the war, I was going to resign. But now that there's a war on... I can't resign.

You said that this was intolerable. You said we would go together.

General Miller

It is intolerable, but I'm going to have to tolerate it. And I still agree with myself on that. But my loyalty is to the kids—I am a soldier.

You're not a soldier.

General Miller

...I've been a soldier my whole life! What do you mean I'm not a solider? I'm a soldier! Look at the uniform—what do you think, I'm one of the Village people?

When did you shoot a guy last?

General Miller

What, just because I haven't shot someone in fifteen years I'm not a soldier? You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bullet-ridden, bloody corpse into the Pentagon every five years to renew you "soldier's licence"!

It's unnecessary!

General Miller

So what?!

And if you were a good general, you'd have some balls!

General Miller

Look, shut up about my balls. My balls have been around, you have no idea where my balls have been!

I can talk about your balls all I want, 'cause I remember when—

General Miller

Oh, I **** you once twenty years ago AND I NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT! EVERY TIME WE'RE TOGETHER I'VE GOTTA TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT! I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT!

Come on, Chad. We have to draft resignation announcements.

Actually, Miss Clark, I think I might stay with the General, if that's okay. If he's staying I might stay with him, see what assistance I can furnish.

Okay... General Shrek and his faithful talking donkey.

General Miller

What do you need to stick around for?!

Well, I just want to let you know, sir, that I think you've got... big balls, it's like... two-thirds of a snowman.

General Miller

Dear God.

General Miller

This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely **** have to. [pause] It's like France.