ALL A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #


View Quote "Climb the mountain of conflict"? You know what you sounded like? You sounded like a ****ing Nazi Julie Andrews!
View Quote Chad: You couldn't write a paper that clashes more with the current climate if you were trying. And it seems like you almost were trying.
View Quote General Miller: This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely ****ing have to. [pause] It's like France.
View Quote Jamie McDonald: I am gonna tear this place apart! You wouldn't believe an inanimate room can scream, but it will! There will be plaster!
View Quote Jamie McDonald: I went to see that film There Will Be Blood, right? I mean it's a ****ing great title. If somebody says to you, "Do you fancy going to see a film?" "Well, I don't know, will there be blood?" There Will Be Blood, right? "I'm in, I'm in!" I mean that is a ****ing great title for a film. I mean you couldn't have a better title for a film. Apart from, maybe, There Will Be Tits. You could have a cinema that just shows There Will Be Blood and There Will Be Tits, you don't need any other films! That's the end of cinema right there!
Malcolm Tucker: Is this ****ing going anywhere?
Jamie McDonald: Yeah, yeah, I went see There Will Be Blood, and there wasn't any ****ing blood!
Malcolm Tucker: There was some blood!
Jamie McDonald: Och, there was hardly any ****ing blood.
View Quote Jamie McDonald: Okay, shits! Put your knickers on! It's the IT Sweeney! We've come to strip-search your computers, haven't we... oh, fat man whose name I've forgotten?
Alan: Yes...
Jamie McDonald: It's only intelligence we're after, so we might be here for a while. [sees Judy] OH, LOOK EVERYBODY! IT'S LEAKY WOMAN! You ought to do some ****ing pelvic floor exercises, darling! I hear you've been pissing intel everywhere!
Judy Molloy: I have not leaked anything, and I'm not going to be intimidated by some Cro-Magnon Scottish dwarf!
Jamie McDonald: Are we exploring personal boundaries here? You ****ing stuck up[answering mobile] Hang on, hang on. Hi, hi. Listen, I'm in the middle of something, can I ring you back? Ta. [hangs up] Where was I? Oh yeah; you ****ing stuck up, toffee pudding bitch!
[Jamie gets up into Judy's face]
Jamie McDonald: D'you know, I'm quite... aroused... by the idea of giving you a long... hard... disciplinary hearing.
Judy Molloy: Is that right?
Jamie McDonald: Mmm.
Judy Molloy: I would absolutely love you to give me a long, hard disciplinary hearing. Because you know what I'd have at the end of it? A big, fat compensation payment. So go ahead. Give me one.
Jamie McDonald: I'd like to give you one.
Judy Molloy: I'd love you to give me one.
[Jamie, intimidated, walks away]
View Quote Jamie McDonald: Okay, uh... ock, fat man whose name I still can't remember. Get on there.
Alan: It's Alan...
Jamie McDonald: What is this, a ****ing speed date? Just get on it, piggy!
View Quote Judy Molloy: Mark, you're coordinating the millennium goals on the press release, aren't you?
Mark: Yes.
Judy Molloy: Coordinate it better, please.
View Quote Karen Clark: I e-mailed my resignation five minutes ago. And yours should come pretty soon, for the biggest media impact.
General Miller: I've been thinking.
Karen Clark: Yeah?
General Miller: This has been the hardest political decision of my career. I'm not going to resign.
Karen Clark: Huh? What the ****, George?
General Miller: Before the war, I was going to resign. But now that there's a war on... I can't resign.
Karen Clark: You said that this was intolerable. You said we would go together.
General Miller: It is intolerable, but I'm going to have to tolerate it. And I still agree with myself on that. But my loyalty is to the kids—I am a soldier.
Karen Clark: You're not a soldier.
General Miller: ...I've been a soldier my whole life! What do you mean I'm not a solider? I'm a soldier! Look at the uniform—what do you think, I'm one of the Village people?
Karen Clark: When did you shoot a guy last?
General Miller: What, just because I haven't shot someone in fifteen years I'm not a soldier? You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bullet-ridden, bloody corpse into the Pentagon every five years to renew you "soldier's licence"!
Karen Clark: It's unnecessary!
General Miller: So what?!
Karen Clark: And if you were a good general, you'd have some balls!
General Miller: Look, shut up about my balls. My balls have been around, you have no idea where my balls have been!
Karen Clark: I can talk about your balls all I want, 'cause I remember when—
General Miller: Oh, I ****ed you once twenty years ago AND I NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT! EVERY TIME WE'RE TOGETHER I'VE GOTTA TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT! I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT!
Karen Clark: Come on, Chad. We have to draft resignation announcements.
Chad: Actually, Miss Clark, I think I might stay with the General, if that's okay. If he's staying I might stay with him, see what assistance I can furnish.
Karen Clark: Okay... General Shrek and his faithful talking donkey.
General Miller: (to Chad) What do you need to stick around for?!
Chad: Well, I just want to let you know, sir, that I think you've got... big balls, it's like... two-thirds of a snowman.
General Miller: Dear God.
View Quote Karen Clark: So you read Liza's paper I guess.
General Miller: I am a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
Karen Clark: Gore's gay.
General Miller: No he's not.
Karen Clark: I beg to differ but...
General Miller: He's gay? 'Cause I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.
Karen Clark: He is gay.
General Miller: Guess I'd better stop saying that then.
View Quote Linton Barwick: My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts.
Bob Adriano: I could request the glass be frosted.
Linton Barwick: Frosting is on cakes, huh? Now, what else happened in London?
Bob Adriano: Ah, generally positive, two glitches...
Linton Barwick: Really? What?
Bob Adriano: Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers, she's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: PWIP what?
Bob Adriano: PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?
Bob Adriano: I can't recall. It's factish—intel for and against intervention.
Linton Barwick: We have all the facts on this we need, we don't need anymore facts. In the land of truth, my friend... the man with one fact is the king.
View Quote Linton Barwick: So, welcome to the somewhat engorged session of the Future Planning Committee.
Karen Clark: Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading. Don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? I mean, this is, after all, the war committee.
Linton Barwick: Uh, this is the Future Planning Committee.
Karen Clark: Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee.
Linton Barwick: Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. (holds up a glass of water) I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. And this is the Future Planning Committee.
General Miller: (holding his own glass of water) Uh, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: (to Barwick) Linton! Linton!
Linton Barwick: (turns around) Mr. Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again. (handshake)
Malcolm Tucker: Are you ****ing me about?
Linton Barwick: (chuckles) Is there a problem, Mr. Tucker?
Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine year old child.
Linton Barwick: Oh, you're talking about A.J. He's one of our top guys. He's one of our brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well his briefing notes were written in Alphabetti Spaghetti. When I left I nearly tripped over his ****ing umbilical cord.
Linton Barwick: Well I'm sorry that it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But can we just move on to what's really important? Now I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say "fresh", British Intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently your ****ing master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't get the job done...
Linton Barwick: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers, so an actual grown-up has been asked to ****ing bail you out.
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile to Judy] Where's the War Committee? I thought I was going to the War Committee.
Judy Molloy: Simon's going to the War Committee, I thought you were doing your one-to-one.
Malcolm Tucker: Just tell me where the **** it's happening.
Judy Molloy: The State Department, seventh floor. Malcolm, do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are?
Malcolm Tucker: Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. A certain vinegar-faced manipulative cowbag is about to discover she's out of a ****ing [Judy hangs up] job. ****ing hang up, haven't you, you ****ing hoity-toity ****ing—
Passer-by: Hey, buddy, enough with the curse words, all right?
Malcolm Tucker: Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat ****!
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: [reading a newspaper] "While Foster jets around at the taxpayer's expense, his constituent's wall is collapsing and he doesn't give a shit!"
Simon Foster: It doesn't say that.
Malcolm Tucker: No, but it does say "Wall-ace and Gromit"!
Simon Foster: Wall-Ace, though!
Malcolm Tucker: You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire, and that's going, son! I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to someone else. [shouts outside his office] Jamie!
Simon Foster: Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
Jamie MacDonald: [enters the office] Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty!
Simon Foster: What is this? Surround bollocking?
Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with all due respect I wasn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless... egg ****. Now I'm finished.
Simon Foster: Hi, Jamie! This is Toby!
Toby Wright: Hi, I'm Simon's aide.
Jamie MacDonald: Toby, very nice to meet you, please, sit down. Right, that's enough all the ****ing Oxbridge pleasantries!
Toby Wright: What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: SHUT IT, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole-punch your face?!
Malcolm Tucker: Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them!
Jamie MacDonald: You know me, Malc, kid gloves, but made from real kids.
Malcolm Tucker: Haha. [leaves.]
Jamie MacDonald: Right. Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly, there's a cartoon in here of you as a walrus!
Simon Foster: A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. ****, they've given me tusks!
Jamie MacDonald: Wall-rus? Do you get it? Wall-rus. Wall-rus.
Toby Wright: Look, we called some builders, they didn't turn up when they said they would—
Jamie MacDonald: What did you expect?! THEY'RE BUILDERS! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No! BECAUSE THEY NEVER ****ING TURN UP IN THE NICK OF TIME! Bat-builder?! Spider-builder?! Huh?! That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!