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"Climb the mountain of conflict"? You know what you sounded like? You sounded like a ****ing Nazi Julie Andrews!
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Chad: You couldn't write a paper that clashes more with the current climate if you were trying. And it seems like you almost were trying.
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General Miller: This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely ****ing have to. [pause] It's like France.
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Jamie McDonald: I am gonna tear this place apart! You wouldn't believe an inanimate room can scream, but it will! There will be plaster!
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Jamie McDonald: I went to see that film There Will Be Blood, right? I mean it's a ****ing great title. If somebody says to you, "Do you fancy going to see a film?" "Well, I don't know, will there be blood?" There Will Be Blood, right? "I'm in, I'm in!" I mean that is a ****ing great title for a film. I mean you couldn't have a better title for a film. Apart from, maybe, There Will Be Tits. You could have a cinema that just shows There Will Be Blood and There Will Be Tits, you don't need any other films! That's the end of cinema right there!
Malcolm Tucker: Is this ****ing going anywhere?
Jamie McDonald: Yeah, yeah, I went see There Will Be Blood, and there wasn't any ****ing blood!
Malcolm Tucker: There was some blood!
Jamie McDonald: Och, there was hardly any ****ing blood.
Malcolm Tucker: Is this ****ing going anywhere?
Jamie McDonald: Yeah, yeah, I went see There Will Be Blood, and there wasn't any ****ing blood!
Malcolm Tucker: There was some blood!
Jamie McDonald: Och, there was hardly any ****ing blood.
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Jamie McDonald: Okay, shits! Put your knickers on! It's the IT Sweeney! We've come to strip-search your computers, haven't we... oh, fat man whose name I've forgotten?
Alan: Yes...
Jamie McDonald: It's only intelligence we're after, so we might be here for a while. [sees Judy] OH, LOOK EVERYBODY! IT'S LEAKY WOMAN! You ought to do some ****ing pelvic floor exercises, darling! I hear you've been pissing intel everywhere!
Judy Molloy: I have not leaked anything, and I'm not going to be intimidated by some Cro-Magnon Scottish dwarf!
Jamie McDonald: Are we exploring personal boundaries here? You ****ing stuck up — [answering mobile] Hang on, hang on. Hi, hi. Listen, I'm in the middle of something, can I ring you back? Ta. [hangs up] Where was I? Oh yeah; you ****ing stuck up, toffee pudding bitch!
[Jamie gets up into Judy's face]
Jamie McDonald: D'you know, I'm quite... aroused... by the idea of giving you a long... hard... disciplinary hearing.
Judy Molloy: Is that right?
Jamie McDonald: Mmm.
Judy Molloy: I would absolutely love you to give me a long, hard disciplinary hearing. Because you know what I'd have at the end of it? A big, fat compensation payment. So go ahead. Give me one.
Jamie McDonald: I'd like to give you one.
Judy Molloy: I'd love you to give me one.
[Jamie, intimidated, walks away]
Alan: Yes...
Jamie McDonald: It's only intelligence we're after, so we might be here for a while. [sees Judy] OH, LOOK EVERYBODY! IT'S LEAKY WOMAN! You ought to do some ****ing pelvic floor exercises, darling! I hear you've been pissing intel everywhere!
Judy Molloy: I have not leaked anything, and I'm not going to be intimidated by some Cro-Magnon Scottish dwarf!
Jamie McDonald: Are we exploring personal boundaries here? You ****ing stuck up — [answering mobile] Hang on, hang on. Hi, hi. Listen, I'm in the middle of something, can I ring you back? Ta. [hangs up] Where was I? Oh yeah; you ****ing stuck up, toffee pudding bitch!
[Jamie gets up into Judy's face]
Jamie McDonald: D'you know, I'm quite... aroused... by the idea of giving you a long... hard... disciplinary hearing.
Judy Molloy: Is that right?
Jamie McDonald: Mmm.
Judy Molloy: I would absolutely love you to give me a long, hard disciplinary hearing. Because you know what I'd have at the end of it? A big, fat compensation payment. So go ahead. Give me one.
Jamie McDonald: I'd like to give you one.
Judy Molloy: I'd love you to give me one.
[Jamie, intimidated, walks away]
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Jamie McDonald: Okay, uh... ock, fat man whose name I still can't remember. Get on there.
Alan: It's Alan...
Jamie McDonald: What is this, a ****ing speed date? Just get on it, piggy!
Alan: It's Alan...
Jamie McDonald: What is this, a ****ing speed date? Just get on it, piggy!
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Judy Molloy: Mark, you're coordinating the millennium goals on the press release, aren't you?
Mark: Yes.
Judy Molloy: Coordinate it better, please.
Mark: Yes.
Judy Molloy: Coordinate it better, please.
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Karen Clark: I e-mailed my resignation five minutes ago. And yours should come pretty soon, for the biggest media impact.
General Miller: I've been thinking.
Karen Clark: Yeah?
General Miller: This has been the hardest political decision of my career. I'm not going to resign.
Karen Clark: Huh? What the ****, George?
General Miller: Before the war, I was going to resign. But now that there's a war on... I can't resign.
Karen Clark: You said that this was intolerable. You said we would go together.
General Miller: It is intolerable, but I'm going to have to tolerate it. And I still agree with myself on that. But my loyalty is to the kids—I am a soldier.
Karen Clark: You're not a soldier.
General Miller: ...I've been a soldier my whole life! What do you mean I'm not a solider? I'm a soldier! Look at the uniform—what do you think, I'm one of the Village people?
Karen Clark: When did you shoot a guy last?
General Miller: What, just because I haven't shot someone in fifteen years I'm not a soldier? You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bullet-ridden, bloody corpse into the Pentagon every five years to renew you "soldier's licence"!
Karen Clark: It's unnecessary!
General Miller: So what?!
Karen Clark: And if you were a good general, you'd have some balls!
General Miller: Look, shut up about my balls. My balls have been around, you have no idea where my balls have been!
Karen Clark: I can talk about your balls all I want, 'cause I remember when—
General Miller: Oh, I ****ed you once twenty years ago AND I NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT! EVERY TIME WE'RE TOGETHER I'VE GOTTA TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT! I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT!
Karen Clark: Come on, Chad. We have to draft resignation announcements.
Chad: Actually, Miss Clark, I think I might stay with the General, if that's okay. If he's staying I might stay with him, see what assistance I can furnish.
Karen Clark: Okay... General Shrek and his faithful talking donkey.
General Miller: (to Chad) What do you need to stick around for?!
Chad: Well, I just want to let you know, sir, that I think you've got... big balls, it's like... two-thirds of a snowman.
General Miller: Dear God.
General Miller: I've been thinking.
Karen Clark: Yeah?
General Miller: This has been the hardest political decision of my career. I'm not going to resign.
Karen Clark: Huh? What the ****, George?
General Miller: Before the war, I was going to resign. But now that there's a war on... I can't resign.
Karen Clark: You said that this was intolerable. You said we would go together.
General Miller: It is intolerable, but I'm going to have to tolerate it. And I still agree with myself on that. But my loyalty is to the kids—I am a soldier.
Karen Clark: You're not a soldier.
General Miller: ...I've been a soldier my whole life! What do you mean I'm not a solider? I'm a soldier! Look at the uniform—what do you think, I'm one of the Village people?
Karen Clark: When did you shoot a guy last?
General Miller: What, just because I haven't shot someone in fifteen years I'm not a soldier? You know, the Army doesn't make you drag some bullet-ridden, bloody corpse into the Pentagon every five years to renew you "soldier's licence"!
Karen Clark: It's unnecessary!
General Miller: So what?!
Karen Clark: And if you were a good general, you'd have some balls!
General Miller: Look, shut up about my balls. My balls have been around, you have no idea where my balls have been!
Karen Clark: I can talk about your balls all I want, 'cause I remember when—
General Miller: Oh, I ****ed you once twenty years ago AND I NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT! EVERY TIME WE'RE TOGETHER I'VE GOTTA TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT! I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT!
Karen Clark: Come on, Chad. We have to draft resignation announcements.
Chad: Actually, Miss Clark, I think I might stay with the General, if that's okay. If he's staying I might stay with him, see what assistance I can furnish.
Karen Clark: Okay... General Shrek and his faithful talking donkey.
General Miller: (to Chad) What do you need to stick around for?!
Chad: Well, I just want to let you know, sir, that I think you've got... big balls, it's like... two-thirds of a snowman.
General Miller: Dear God.
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Karen Clark: So you read Liza's paper I guess.
General Miller: I am a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
Karen Clark: Gore's gay.
General Miller: No he's not.
Karen Clark: I beg to differ but...
General Miller: He's gay? 'Cause I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.
Karen Clark: He is gay.
General Miller: Guess I'd better stop saying that then.
General Miller: I am a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.
Karen Clark: Gore's gay.
General Miller: No he's not.
Karen Clark: I beg to differ but...
General Miller: He's gay? 'Cause I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.
Karen Clark: He is gay.
General Miller: Guess I'd better stop saying that then.
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Linton Barwick: My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts.
Bob Adriano: I could request the glass be frosted.
Linton Barwick: Frosting is on cakes, huh? Now, what else happened in London?
Bob Adriano: Ah, generally positive, two glitches...
Linton Barwick: Really? What?
Bob Adriano: Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers, she's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: PWIP what?
Bob Adriano: PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?
Bob Adriano: I can't recall. It's factish—intel for and against intervention.
Linton Barwick: We have all the facts on this we need, we don't need anymore facts. In the land of truth, my friend... the man with one fact is the king.
Bob Adriano: I could request the glass be frosted.
Linton Barwick: Frosting is on cakes, huh? Now, what else happened in London?
Bob Adriano: Ah, generally positive, two glitches...
Linton Barwick: Really? What?
Bob Adriano: Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers, she's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: PWIP what?
Bob Adriano: PWIP PIP.
Linton Barwick: What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?
Bob Adriano: I can't recall. It's factish—intel for and against intervention.
Linton Barwick: We have all the facts on this we need, we don't need anymore facts. In the land of truth, my friend... the man with one fact is the king.
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Linton Barwick: So, welcome to the somewhat engorged session of the Future Planning Committee.
Karen Clark: Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading. Don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? I mean, this is, after all, the war committee.
Linton Barwick: Uh, this is the Future Planning Committee.
Karen Clark: Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee.
Linton Barwick: Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. (holds up a glass of water) I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. And this is the Future Planning Committee.
General Miller: (holding his own glass of water) Uh, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.
Karen Clark: Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading. Don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? I mean, this is, after all, the war committee.
Linton Barwick: Uh, this is the Future Planning Committee.
Karen Clark: Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee.
Linton Barwick: Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. (holds up a glass of water) I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. And this is the Future Planning Committee.
General Miller: (holding his own glass of water) Uh, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.
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Malcolm Tucker: (to Barwick) Linton! Linton!
Linton Barwick: (turns around) Mr. Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again. (handshake)
Malcolm Tucker: Are you ****ing me about?
Linton Barwick: (chuckles) Is there a problem, Mr. Tucker?
Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine year old child.
Linton Barwick: Oh, you're talking about A.J. He's one of our top guys. He's one of our brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well his briefing notes were written in Alphabetti Spaghetti. When I left I nearly tripped over his ****ing umbilical cord.
Linton Barwick: Well I'm sorry that it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But can we just move on to what's really important? Now I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say "fresh", British Intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently your ****ing master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't get the job done...
Linton Barwick: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers, so an actual grown-up has been asked to ****ing bail you out.
Linton Barwick: (turns around) Mr. Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again. (handshake)
Malcolm Tucker: Are you ****ing me about?
Linton Barwick: (chuckles) Is there a problem, Mr. Tucker?
Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine year old child.
Linton Barwick: Oh, you're talking about A.J. He's one of our top guys. He's one of our brightest and best.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well his briefing notes were written in Alphabetti Spaghetti. When I left I nearly tripped over his ****ing umbilical cord.
Linton Barwick: Well I'm sorry that it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But can we just move on to what's really important? Now I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say "fresh", British Intelligence, is that true?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently your ****ing master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't get the job done...
Linton Barwick: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers, so an actual grown-up has been asked to ****ing bail you out.
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Malcolm Tucker: [On mobile to Judy] Where's the War Committee? I thought I was going to the War Committee.
Judy Molloy: Simon's going to the War Committee, I thought you were doing your one-to-one.
Malcolm Tucker: Just tell me where the **** it's happening.
Judy Molloy: The State Department, seventh floor. Malcolm, do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are?
Malcolm Tucker: Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. A certain vinegar-faced manipulative cowbag is about to discover she's out of a ****ing [Judy hangs up] job. ****ing hang up, haven't you, you ****ing hoity-toity ****ing—
Passer-by: Hey, buddy, enough with the curse words, all right?
Malcolm Tucker: Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat ****!
Judy Molloy: Simon's going to the War Committee, I thought you were doing your one-to-one.
Malcolm Tucker: Just tell me where the **** it's happening.
Judy Molloy: The State Department, seventh floor. Malcolm, do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are?
Malcolm Tucker: Let me tell you what's going on where you are, sweetheart. A certain vinegar-faced manipulative cowbag is about to discover she's out of a ****ing [Judy hangs up] job. ****ing hang up, haven't you, you ****ing hoity-toity ****ing—
Passer-by: Hey, buddy, enough with the curse words, all right?
Malcolm Tucker: Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat ****!
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Malcolm Tucker: [reading a newspaper] "While Foster jets around at the taxpayer's expense, his constituent's wall is collapsing and he doesn't give a shit!"
Simon Foster: It doesn't say that.
Malcolm Tucker: No, but it does say "Wall-ace and Gromit"!
Simon Foster: Wall-Ace, though!
Malcolm Tucker: You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire, and that's going, son! I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to someone else. [shouts outside his office] Jamie!
Simon Foster: Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
Jamie MacDonald: [enters the office] Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty!
Simon Foster: What is this? Surround bollocking?
Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with all due respect I wasn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless... egg ****. Now I'm finished.
Simon Foster: Hi, Jamie! This is Toby!
Toby Wright: Hi, I'm Simon's aide.
Jamie MacDonald: Toby, very nice to meet you, please, sit down. Right, that's enough all the ****ing Oxbridge pleasantries!
Toby Wright: What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: SHUT IT, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole-punch your face?!
Malcolm Tucker: Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them!
Jamie MacDonald: You know me, Malc, kid gloves, but made from real kids.
Malcolm Tucker: Haha. [leaves.]
Jamie MacDonald: Right. Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly, there's a cartoon in here of you as a walrus!
Simon Foster: A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. ****, they've given me tusks!
Jamie MacDonald: Wall-rus? Do you get it? Wall-rus. Wall-rus.
Toby Wright: Look, we called some builders, they didn't turn up when they said they would—
Jamie MacDonald: What did you expect?! THEY'RE BUILDERS! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No! BECAUSE THEY NEVER ****ING TURN UP IN THE NICK OF TIME! Bat-builder?! Spider-builder?! Huh?! That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!
Simon Foster: It doesn't say that.
Malcolm Tucker: No, but it does say "Wall-ace and Gromit"!
Simon Foster: Wall-Ace, though!
Malcolm Tucker: You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire, and that's going, son! I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to someone else. [shouts outside his office] Jamie!
Simon Foster: Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.
Jamie MacDonald: [enters the office] Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty!
Simon Foster: What is this? Surround bollocking?
Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with all due respect I wasn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless... egg ****. Now I'm finished.
Simon Foster: Hi, Jamie! This is Toby!
Toby Wright: Hi, I'm Simon's aide.
Jamie MacDonald: Toby, very nice to meet you, please, sit down. Right, that's enough all the ****ing Oxbridge pleasantries!
Toby Wright: What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: SHUT IT, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole-punch your face?!
Malcolm Tucker: Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them!
Jamie MacDonald: You know me, Malc, kid gloves, but made from real kids.
Malcolm Tucker: Haha. [leaves.]
Jamie MacDonald: Right. Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly, there's a cartoon in here of you as a walrus!
Simon Foster: A walrus? I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. ****, they've given me tusks!
Jamie MacDonald: Wall-rus? Do you get it? Wall-rus. Wall-rus.
Toby Wright: Look, we called some builders, they didn't turn up when they said they would—
Jamie MacDonald: What did you expect?! THEY'RE BUILDERS! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No! BECAUSE THEY NEVER ****ING TURN UP IN THE NICK OF TIME! Bat-builder?! Spider-builder?! Huh?! That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!