N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

View Quote Malcolm Tucker: [to Toby] Hey, foetus boy, lesson one: If I tell you to **** off, what do you do?
Toby Wright: Umm... Eff off?
Malcolm Tucker: You'll go far! Now **** off.
Toby Wright: Right. [leaves the room]
Simon Foster: Judy and I were thinking that I could row back on Question Time tonight—
Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time, you've been disinvited.
Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!
Judy Molloy: Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker: Why the **** would I tell you it?! I've told you to **** off twice, and yet you're still here!
Judy Molloy: You should tell me about it because it's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state, so therefore it falls well within my purview!
Malcolm Tucker: "Within your purview"?
Judy Molloy: Yes!
Malcolm Tucker: Where do you think you are, in some ****ing regency costume drama?! This is a government department! Not a ****ing Jane ****ing Austen novel!
Simon Foster: Malcolm...
Malcolm Tucker: Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your "purview" and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse-****!
Judy Molloy: Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me, those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: General Flintstone? Was it you? Did you leak PWIP-PIP? I mean, I know you can't fire a gun, but can you use a fax?
General Miller: No, I didn't leak PWIP-PIP, I do everything up-front. I'm not like some creepy little gay mercenary who sneaks around doing other people's dirty work.
Malcolm Tucker: I'm doing my own dirty work. I'm doing my job.
General Miller: No, I think you are doing Linton's dirty work. You're his little English bitch and you don't even know it. I bet if I went to your hotel room tonight, I'd see you down on all fours, with little fish-nets on with him hanging out the back of you.
Malcolm Tucker: Oh, that's nice! That's really tough talk coming from the ****ing armchair general! Why don't you put your feet up on the pouffe and go back to sleep, why don't you?
General Miller: Look, Tucker, you might be some scary little poodle-****er back there in London, but out here you're nothing. You know what you look like? A squeezed dick. You've got a big blue vein running up the side of your head. See, that's where I'd put the bullet. Only I'd have to stand back, 'cause you look like you'd be a squirter.
Malcolm Tucker: Have you ever actually killed anybody, I mean really?
General Miller: Yeah.
Malcolm Tucker: What, falling asleep on someone? I mean, that doesn't count!
General Miller: [laughs] That's good! That's very good! How about you, pussy drip? Ever killed anybody?
Malcolm Tucker: Maiming is what I prefer. Psychologically.
General Miller: Well, why don't you try and maim me? I'll knock you so hard in the face you'll be shitting teeth.
Malcolm Tucker: Go ahead. I can see the headlines: "Peace-loving General Starts Fight at the UN, Swiss Intervene." I don't know, I'm no expert on spin, but that could hurt your career.
General Miller: Yeah?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah. Now do excuse me, I've got work to do. [pause] Don't ever call me ****ing English again.
[Malcolm walks off, leaving General Miller confused.]
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: I know it was you who leaked Linton's war committee.
Toby Wright: Oh, right... it wasn't?
Malcolm Tucker: "It wasn't?" That's what you're going to say when they come and slip a hood over your head and fly you off to Diego Garcia and carry out a cavity search?
Toby Wright: I don't actually recall. It was a very busy time.
Malcolm Tucker: That's better. Okay, I am putting you on a probationary period from today until the end of recorded time.
Toby Wright: All right.
Malcolm Tucker: Do you understand?
Toby Wright: Yes—
Malcolm Tucker: You're my guy now, right? I own you, you are my Kunta Kinte— go and get your ****ing laptop!
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: I'm here, I'm there, I'm ****ing everywhere. I'm the egg man.
Simon Foster: Have you come to insult me in a different timezone?
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry... I don't... This situation here... Is this it? No offense, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a ****ing toilet.
A.J. Brown: Your first point there, the offense? I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take it. The second point, I'm twenty-two, but it's my birthday in nine days, so if it'd make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.
Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814, and I'm all for doing it again. Starting with you, you frat ****. You get sarcastic with me again, and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your ****ing throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a Playboy Bunny! I thought, I was led to believe I was attending the War Committee!
A.J. Brown: Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you on the work of the Future Planning Committee.
Malcolm Tucker: I'm away. [as A.J.'s assistant walks in with coffee] Oh, and here we are. The ****ing Vice President has also graced us with his presence. Give him a bottle of milk!
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: Karen Clark will want you to say that war is unforeseeable, and Linton Barwick will want you to talk about the "climb the mountain of conflict" line. You say nothing, okay? You stay detached, otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas.
Simon Foster: Right, can I go to bed now, please?
Malcolm Tucker: No, no, no, no, no! You're gonna stay here, and you're gonna rehearse saying nothing!
Simon Foster: Am I being tortured?
View Quote Malcolm Tucker: NO, YOU RELAX! I don't need ****ing acupuncture, I'll ****ing acupuncture you. I'll come over there and I'll give you a ****ing acupuncture treatment, you'll end up looking like the guy from Hellraiser and I'll ****ing take a phonebook and bash it against your face! You'll look like a ****ing leper's hairbrush! Don't you dare ever tell me— you relax! I don't need your scented candles, I'll send you a ****ing scented candle stuck in the end of a ****ing petrol bomb! You'll be ****ing burnt to death but you'll smell of ****ing sandalwood!
View Quote Michael Rodgers: Suzy, well done. This is absolutely superb.
Jamie McDonald: [entering the room] Hey, Horse of the Year, was it you?
Suzy: Was what me?
Suzy: Was what me, Jamie? I—I—I have no idea what you're talking about.
Michael Rodgers: She can't answer the question, can she? Unless she knows what it is.
Jamie McDonald: You leaked Liza Wells' paper to the BBC, right? Now, tell me you leaked it.
Suzy: No, I—I didn't leak it.
Jamie McDonald: I know the leak came from in here. From this ****ing fax machine right here.
Suzy: No, there's no— there's no way!
Jamie McDonald: [sliding the fax off the table] Do you see what I'm doing to this machine?
Suzy: Jamie, don't— [fax falls off the table] Jesus Christ! ****! Jamie! What the ****?!
Jamie McDonald: [kicking the fax] Do you see how angry I am with the piece of office equipment that leaked this do****ent?! Huh?!
Suzy: Michael—
Jamie McDonald: [kicking the fax] Can you even imagine how angry I am with the person who leaked it?! Can you?! Can you, huh?! Can you, Suzy?!
Michael Rodgers: Jamie, it was me.
Jamie McDonald: Oh, don't get all ****ing Spartacus on us now!
Michael Rodgers: I leaked it.
Suzy: Michael, what are you doing?
Jamie McDonald: [about opera music playing in another room] Hang on, hang on, FOR A START, TURN THAT ****ING RACKET OFF!
Suzy: Turn it off.
Jamie McDonald: IT'S JUST VOWELS! Subsidised, foreign ****ing vowels! [turning the music off] The only reason you listen to this shit is because it's bad form to actually wear a hat that says "I went to private school!" So tell me now, right?! Who did you leak it to?!
Michael Rodgers: I just sent it. I read it, I thought it was important—
Jamie McDonald: Good! Good! Fine! Fine! See that fax? Yeah? THAT is your career, and I think it might be ****ed, but let's just check. [kicks the fax] Yeah, yeah, it's pretty ****ed. Now, I hope you can play the spoons. Because, I mean, you're too old to go back to being a gentleman's fluffer, aren't you?!
View Quote Simon Foster: "Pro-war"? That's ridiculous. I use a wormery. I've been to see Coldplay twice. OK, I've got to go. Look, you've got to play that down. I mean, obviously don't make out that I smoke weed, but you've got to make it clear, I'm not in Fight Club either. I'm ... Neutral Club. First rule of Neutral Club: let's hear what the other rules are, then we'll take an overview.
View Quote Simon Foster: [In a radio interview] Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable.
Malcolm Tucker: Sam! Sam!
Eddie Mair: [On radio] "Unforeseeable"?
Simon Foster: [On radio] Yes.
Malcolm Tucker: No, you do not think that! Sam, I'm going to have to go to International Development and pull Simon Foster's ****ing hair.
View Quote Simon Foster: After the vote... I resign.
Malcolm Tucker: OH, **** OFF. Resigning?! How ****ing impressive! Resign! The horse has bolted, it's out there now, it's getting ****ing SHOT!
Simon Foster: See you later, Malcolm.
View Quote Simon Foster: I don't want to have to read you the Riot Act here. But I am going to have to read you some extracts from the Riot Act. Like "Section 1, Paragraph 1: Don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey." [impersonating Toby] "The British are coming!"
Toby Wright: Okay, okay, Simon, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry. But it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon Foster: No, you're right. I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done. You're a star. And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your dick out, start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo!" No, I'm being really unfair. You got so much right... without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments in my career. Thanks. You're a legend.
View Quote Simon Foster: I've got this covered. Go and find the next thing, talk to that Chad boy. The boy from The Shining. He knows things.
Toby Wright: Don't make me pump Chad!
Simon Foster: I am making you pump Chad. Go on, it'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeazy.
Toby Wright: No it won't, it'll be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult, that's what it'll be. (leaving the room) Have a lovely afternoon. Stop a war for me.
View Quote Simon Foster: We'd sent someone round who built some temporary buttresses.
Jamie McDonald: And that's your headline response, is it?! "We put up temporary buttresses, says flailing walrus ****"?!
View Quote Toby Wright: [Looking at the Washington Monument] See that? Pull that out, America deflates.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, it's very easy to mock. The closest you'll ever get to seeing one of those is buying ****ing Toblerone.