N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

View Quote [A newspaper is reporting the collapse of Simon's constituency's wall]
Simon Foster: God, how ridiculous! And that's news, is it?
Malcolm Tucker: It's not ridiculous. It's not ridiculous at all. [beat] You're fired.
Simon Foster: What?
Malcolm Tucker: Over the wall. [Points at the paper] I mean, that's just not tolerable.
Simon Foster: It's a ****ing wall, Malcolm.
Malcolm Tucker: Look, The Telegraph has a cartoon of you teetering on the Great Wall of China. Suggesting that you're the only political ****-up visible from space. Look at this! Look at it! No one could survive this! The PM's very clear about this; you're sacked. Over the wall.
Simon Foster: No!
Malcolm Tucker: Yes!
Simon Foster: You haven't--you haven't even spoken to the Prime Minister!
Malcolm Tucker: I--I--I have.
Simon Foster: You ****ing haven't! I've been standing here right in front of you!
Malcolm Tucker: I have spoken to the Prime Minister. Whether it has happened or not is irrelevant, it is true! And he was very clear; you've got to go.
Simon Foster: [Laughs nervously] If you think I'm going quietly, Malcolm, you've made a mistake.
Malcolm Tucker: Well, if you want to try and turn this into some anti-war protest, expect to hear your "Mountain of Conflict" soundbite everywhere: from ringtones to, ****ing, a dance mix on YouTube. And I will marshal all the media forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide. [Simon stands, stunned and terrified] Right-oh, let's just go and draft your "Dear Prime Minister, just a quick note to say thanks for giving me the sack" letter. Off we tot! Come on, young Simon!
Deleted scenes[edit] Simon Foster: I think the reason America is a superpower is because everyone who comes here to negotiate is out of their minds with jet-lag. If somebody offered me a pillow now, I'd happily give them Gibraltar.
View Quote [After Simon's "mountain of conflict" statement]
Simon Foster: ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****! Why didn't we nail the line?!
Judy Molloy: Simon, I did try to warn you.
Simon Foster: Yes! Yes! You did try to warn me, but you don't actually stop me, did you?!
Judy Molloy: I can't tackle you to the ground!
Simon Foster: That's like shouting "Train!" as someone gets hit by a train! You should go; "Train! It's a ****ing train!"
Judy Molloy: [her phone rings] Bollocks!
Simon Foster: [his phone rings also] ****, it's Malcolm!
Judy Molloy: Mine's Malcolm too.
Simon Foster: How does he do that?
Malcolm Tucker: [talking on two mobiles] Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now!
View Quote [Judy hangs up the phone]
Simon Foster: Who was that?
Judy Molloy: Malcolm. He's coming to see you.
Simon Foster: Oh shit, he's still alive. When's he due?
Malcolm Tucker: [Entering the room] Now. And don't say you weren't prepared, because I rang ahead.
View Quote [The UN pass the resolution]
Simon Foster: Yep. That's that, then.
Toby Wright: Jolly good. "That's that, then" is your line for the ages, is it?
Simon Foster: What?
Toby Wright: Well... "I remember the day that war was declared. I turned to the minister and he said 'That's that, then. Anyone want a mint?'"
Simon Foster: Piss off, Toby.
View Quote [about Jamie MacDonald] You know, my theory is that Malcolm built him in a lab out of bits of old psychopaths.
View Quote [On mobile phone] I'm not holding any longer; what's he waiting for, a ****ing sex change? NO, YOU RELAX! Get me ****ing Brian! If you don't get me ****ing Brian, I'm gonna come over there, I'm gonna lock you in a ****ing flotation tank and pump it full of sewage until you ****ing drown!
View Quote [On mobile phone] Okay, okay, go ahead and print "unforeseeable." Listen, see when I tell your wife about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference, what would be best? An email, a phone call, what? Hey! I could write it on a cake with those little silver balls: "Your hack husband betrayed you on October the 4th and congratulations on the new baby." Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it. Yeah, okay, ****ity-bye!
View Quote [to Linton Barwick] You know, I've come across a lot of psychos, but none as ****ing boring as you! I mean, you are a real boring ****! Sorry, I know you disapprove of the swearing, so I'll sort that. You are a boring F-star-star-****.
View Quote [To Simon Foster] In the words of the late great Nat King ****ing Cole, unforeseeable, that's what you are.
View Quote [to Simon Foster] You know, if I could, I'd ****ing punch you into paralysis!
View Quote [to Sir Jonathan Tutt] Mr Ambassador, with your big baldy head, you are spoiling us!
View Quote Christ on a bendy-bus, Simon, don't be such a ****ing faff-arse.
View Quote Good luck at the Foreign Office, try not to annoy Russia.
View Quote I really hope there isn't a war. It's gonna be a nightmare; it's bad enough dealing with the ****ing Olympics.
View Quote It's a bit manic, it's not like Agriculture. People rarely get this swear-y about wheat.