Mike and I had such a connection. The first time that we had sex, it was so beautiful I cried.
You cried?
Yeah.
Andie You mean one glistening tear on your cheek, right?
No, I was really emotional. I even told him that I loved him.
Andie After how many days?
Five... two.
Andie Michelle, if the most beautiful woman in the world acted the way you did, any normal guy would still go running in the other direction.
No. No guy would go running from you, Andie. You could barf all over him and he'd say, "Do it again."
Andie Oh, that is both incredibly disgusting and categorically untrue.
Andie Look at Michelle. She is a great girl, right? An amazing woman. But she has a problem hanging on to relationships and doesn't really know what she's doing wrong, which is like a lot of our readers. So, I was thinking, that I could start by dating a guy, and then drive him away. But only using the classic mistakes most women, Like Michelle, make all the time. I'll keep a diary of it and it will be sort of a dating "How To" in reverse.
What not to do.
Andie Yeah.
"How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days". Yes. Go.
Andie Andie Anderson.
Benjamin Barry.
Andie Cute.
Thank you.
Andie I meant your name.
Thank you two times.
Andie Unattached?
Currently.
Andie Likewise.
Surprising.
Andie Psycho?
Rarely... Interested?
Andie Perhaps.
Hungry?
Andie Starving.
Leaving.
I'm in advertising. I work mostly with alcoholic beverages and athletic equipment companies, and I'm trying to break into the jewellery market right now.
Andie Saving the world one keg party at a time?
What about you?
Andie What about me?
Have I seen your work?
Andie I work at Composure.
Fastest growing women's magazine in the country. I'm impressed. Saving the world one shopaholic at a time, eh?
Andie It's beautiful.
Thanks.
Andie Youre beautiful. The game, the whole thing... I wish I ate meat. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. You have to take this away before I gag.
Andie Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?
Who's Princess Sophia? (she points to his crotch) No, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa. You're kidding me right? Princess Sophia?
Andie Little? Big? Little? Big? I dont know, we will find out!
Listen, you can't name my member Princess Sophia.
Andie Yes I can.
Listen... listen... if you're gonna name my, my member, you've gotta name it something hyper-masculine. Something like Spike, or Butch, or Krull the Warrior King.
Look at Krull's necklace. It's got more ice than Liberace, don't you?
Andie Oh, it's just a little frosting.
Andie I did something kind of wacky. I used Photoshop at work today to composite our faces together to see what our kids would look like. Our family album! You don't want to see our children?
We don't have... children.
Andie Oh, no. Our love fern. It's dead.
No, it's just sleeping.
Andie You let it die. Are you going to let us die?
The one night that we even thought about.. getting close to having sex. She up and decides she's going to nickname my...
Penis.
Princess Sophia! You wanna talk about shooting a man's horse!
Andie I thought it was a beautiful name.
Hmm, I see, Benjamin. And when was it that you first realised that you were attracted to other men?
I understand you've been an inspiration to Ben in more ways than one. And I must say, you look rather inspired yourself. There isn't a diamond it the room that sparkles like a woman in love.
Andie Oh, no, no. I'm not in love.
No? I guess I was mistaken.
Andie No, no. I mean... I've only known him for ten days... You can't... I can't be...
Ben is a very lucky man.
Andie Mr Warren, please don't tell him. Please don't tell him.
Congratulations. This shows me you're ready to be unleashed. From now on, feel free to write about anything.
Andie Anything?
Wherever the wind blows you.
Andie Even politics?
Well, the wind's not going to blow you there.
Andie What about religion, poverty, economics?
This wind is really more of a light breeze.
You're already falling in love with me.
Andie I'm gonna make you wish you were dead. [blows away a kiss to Ben up on his balcony] Poor guy.
Andie Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?
Who's Princess Sophia? [she points to his crotch] No, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa. You're kidding me right? Princess Sophia?
Andie Little? Big? Little? Big? I don't know, we will find out!
Listen, you can't name my member Princess Sophia.
Andie Yes I can.
Listen... listen... if you're gonna name my, my member, you've gotta name it something hyper-masculine. Something like Spike, or Butch, or Krull the Warrior King, but not Princess Sophia.
Andie What did you just say?
Spike. You know what I mean?
Andie No, no, after Spike.
Butch.
Andie After Butch.
Krull... Krull, the Warrior King.
Andie Does Kr-rull, the Warrior King want to come out and play?
Oh, come on... No.
Andie Krull.
You know what? Due to... intense humiliation, the King has momentarily abdicated his throne.
Andie ' Its me!
I'm in the middle of a meeting. Can I call you back later?
Andie I miss you benny boo boo... boo boo boo.
So that's what I was, huh? I was a guinea pig. Somebody you can test your theories on?
Andie Yeah, and I was just a girl somebody picked out in a bar.
Yeah, you know what? Big deal. Hell, now you can even use it as a little twist in your story.
Andie That's a good idea. Maybe we should bet on it.
You know what, you did your job now, Andie.
Andie Yes, I did.
You wanted to lose a guy in ten days, congratulations, you did it. You just lost him. [walks away]
Andie No I didn't Ben, 'cause you can't lose something you never had!
Andie What the hell was that?
Andie Ben, please.
Is this true? Or are you just trying to sell magazines?
Andie I meant every word.
Well, where you going?
Andie I have an interview.
Yeah, in Washington. I know. [pause] Where you going?
Andie Ben, it's the only place I can go and write what I want to write.
No, I'm not buying that. You can write anywhere. I think you're running away.
Andie Why don't you save your mind games for your next bet, okay? I am not running away.
Bullspit.
Andie Excuse me?
You heard me. Bullspit.
Hey, lady, what do ya wanna do?
Take the lady's luggage back to her place. She has alternate transportation.
Andie You callin' my bluff?
You bet I am.
[They kiss]
