Helen Harris quotes from Raising Helen (2004)

Helen Harris

Dear Jenny, If you're reading this, you know that I'm gone. And I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids.

And you're probably freaked about it. Yes, it's a surprising choice, considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known. If you find this letter odd, understand that my "always be prepared" Paul convinced me to write it now while our children are young. You must know from experience that when it comes to picking somebody else to raise your kids, no one seems right. No one is you. And so you choose someone who is most like you. Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom, the mom they lost and never really got to know. In so many ways, we are so much alike, that's why I chose Helen. Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids, yet she'll find a way to make up. I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes. On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks. Respect her Jenny. Give her a shot. We're family and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together. I know, Helen will certainly need some help learning how to be a mother to my kids, but I've got you for that. And who could be better? After all, you raised Helen, you'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes. I can still hear you telling her, "The bunny goes around the tree, and into the burrow...

Helen Harris

Pull tight.

Jenny Portman

Ooh, ooh! Sweetie, what did mommy say about kicking while she's having a conversation? You need to wait until she's finished. Thank you very much.

Helen Harris

Did you just boss around the unborn?

Jenny Portman

It's never too early to learn good manners.

Jenny Portman

I bet this is lead paint. Kids, no chewing on the window sills!

Helen Harris

Yeah, stick to the table legs like I taught you.

Helen Harris Audrey sweetie can you do me a favor and get me your wallet?

Audrey Davis

Why?

Audrey Davis

Could you just do it please?

Helen Harris

Open it up and give me your fake I.D.

Audrey Davis

Why?

Helen Harris

Because I said so. That's why.

Audrey Davis

I'm not gonna give it to you, I am not a child!

Helen Harris

Yes, you are. You are a child, Audrey. And you have a right to a childhood and you should fight for it but if you won't, then I will. Now give me your I.D.

Helen Harris

That was very adult of you.

Audrey Davis

You tricked me! I thought you were on my side, but you're just like her. [points at Aunt Jenny] I hate you, do you hear me, I hate you!

Helen Harris

Well, I guess we are just gonna have to learn to live with that.

Audrey Davis

What is the matter with you? Don't you remember what it's like to be young?

Helen Harris

Of course I do... it was last Wednesday!

Pastor Dan Parker

Let's talk about some things you could do at home.

Helen Harris

You wanna know what I've been doing at home? I've been doing the best I can. Do you have any idea what this has done to my life?

Pastor Dan Parker

Hey, Helen, you have any idea what it's done to theirs?

Helen Harris

Hey, Pastor Dan? Mr. Self-righteous? I'm hanging on by a thread here. I lost my sister, my social life, my disposable income, my ability to fit into a size 2, and - this just in - my job. Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits and a few pounds that have recently taken up residence on my ass. So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured, in Queens, about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.

Helen Harris

See you at Vespers.

Pastor Dan Parker

Do you know what Vespers is?

Helen Harris

Some kind of scooter?

Pastor Dan Parker

Close enough.

Helen Harris

Pastor Dan just asked me out.

Audrey Davis

That is so weird.

Pastor Dan Parker

I can hear you. I'm still here. Go inside and do that.