"Space," says the introduction to The Hitchhiker's Guide, "is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is." A-a-and so on. It also says that if you hold a lungful of air, you can survive in the total vacuum of space for about 30 seconds. But with space being really big and all, the chances of being picked up within that time are 22,079,460,347 to one against. Strangely, this is also the telephone number of an Islington flat where Arthur Dent went to a fancy dress party, and met a very nice young woman whom he totally blew it with. Though the planet Earth, the Islington flat and the telephone have all now been demolished, it is comforting to reflect that they are all, in some small way, commemorated by the fact that 29 seconds later, Arthur and Ford were, in fact, rescued.
Most scenes together: Arthur Dent & Zaphod Beeblebrox (7), Zaphod Beeblebrox & Ford Prefect (5), Arthur Dent & Ford Prefect (5)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quotes
Page 1 of 4HUMMA KAVULA!
Beeblebrox, universally considered to be the dimmest star in several solar systems, is most famous for his controversial defeat of Humma Kavula, who claimed many thought they were voting for the "Worst-Dressed Sentient Being in the Universe" contest. Humma Kavula, of course, is best remembered for his slanderous "Don't Vote for Stupid!" campaign.
Resistance is useless!
You really think the world's gonna end?
Yes.
Shouldn't we lie down? Put paper bags over our heads or something?
If you like.
Would it help?
Not at all.
He's got a towel! Run away!
Questular Rontok She's lying. She's skinny and she's pretty and she's lying.
Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.
And are you?
Ah, no. Well, that's where it all falls down, of course.
We have normality.
Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.
What is normal?
What is home?
What are cows?
It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, a Sperm Whale had been called into existence, several miles above the surface of an alien planet. Since this isn't a naturally tenable position for a whale, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell:
The Whale Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay, calm down, get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... tail! Yeah! Tail! And hey, what's this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that, now isn't it? And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello, Ground! [dies]
Curiously, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, "Oh no, not again." Many people have speculated that if we knew why the bowl of petunias had thought that, we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.
It's a big-biggy, Ford! A big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic particle things?!
This is the right one! I have a hunch!
Mr. Prosser Come off it Mr. Dent, you can't lie in front of the bulldozers forever.
I'm game. We'll see who rusts first!
Mr. Prosser This bypass has got the be built and it is going to be built!
Why has it got to be built?
Mr. Prosser It's a bypass. You've got to build bypasses! Besides, you should've made your protest months ago. These plans have been on display at the planning office now for a year.
"On display"?! I had to go down to a cellar!
Mr. Prosser Mr. Dent, have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll right over you?
How much?
Mr. Prosser None at all.
Arthur... what if I told you I really wasn't from Guildford? I was from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?
Let's go somewhere.
Yeah. Definitely. Um, where did you have in mind?
Madagascar.
No... it's a country off the coast of Africa.
Can we put your ego aside for a minute?! Something important has happened.
If there's anything more important than my ego on this ship, I want it caught and shot right now!
Marvin!
Well, we have something that should take your mind off things.
It won't work. I have an exceptionally large mind.
Yeah, we know. But uh, we need you to go down to the number two entry bay and pick up our stowaways and bring them up here.
Just that? I won't enjoy it.
Yeah, well, that's life.
Er, Dent, Arthur Dent.
Oh, "Livingston, I presume". Yeah, not as good as Darwin, but it's the best I could do on short notice.
You're the first person who's gotten that right. Everyone keeps calling me Santa.
Really?
Yeah. And I though the Beagle was a dead giveaway!
Well, I suppose the people who come to these parties are drunken idiots.
Humma Kavula Zaphod Beeblebrox, our infamous president. What brings you to our humble planet?
Oh, I think you know why I'm here.
Humma Kavula No, I don't think I do.
Oh, I think you think you don't. But be both know you do.
Humma Kavula Eloquent as always, Zaphod. Your ability to articulate never ceases to amaze.
Tricia Argastus McMillanus of Blard?
No, Tricia Marie McMillan of Earth.
Oh, right. [searches for Earth on the computer] Um, sorry, no record of "Earth".
Galactic sector Z.Z.9 Plural Z. Alpha?
Oh, yes. Here we are: Earth. Oh, um, "destroyed". Um, do you have a second home planet?
Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.
Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy?
Of course you're edgy. Your planet's been blown up and you've been tooling round the galaxy with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the question because you always wondered if there was more to life and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't.
You have no home and no family and now you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you.
And you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does.
Oh, baby doll. Give me that thing.
It won't affect me. I'm already a woman.
Wow! Where are we?
Uh, exactly where we were.
And the missiles?
Apparently they've turned into a bowl of petunias... and a very surprised-looking whale.
Eddie (ship's computer) ... At an improbability factor of 8,767,128 to 1 against!
Ford? I think I'm a sofa.
I know how you feel.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Marvin, any ideas?
I have a million ideas. They all point to certain death.
Thanks very much, Marv'.
Freeze? I'm a robot, not a refrigerator.
I wasn't talkin' to you, giggles.
Marvin, you saved our lives.
I know. Wretched, isn't it?
Hey ape-man, uh, earth, uh, dude, sorry, what was your name again?
Arthur
Right, gorgeous. No hard feelings, okay? Sorry to hear about your planet, [snaps fingers] what was it called?
Earth.
Yeah, Earth, I liked Earth. Got these boots on Earth. Hey listen, don't mention it to the girl, okay? 'Cause if you do...
I'll pull your spleen out through your throat! [pushes second head down] Alright? Thanks buddy. Good stuff. Like those jammies.
Hey baby, a little help over here, I think I'm in over my head. [second head pops out] I'll take this! Good zarquon, do I have to do everything? Yes I do! [second head pops down] Hey, hey slim, this looks really pretty...
Don't!
Whoo, they're on our tail! Fire a gun! Launch a missile! Do some damage!
Hey, enough small talk Trill, we're on the run, remember I stole a ship?
Excuse me, we're having a bit of a chat here, do you mind?
Well I think the girl's got [second head pops out] BOO, ha ha ha ha ha, you blew it with her earth-man, so shut your face or I'll kick you in the zatch. [he starts poking Arthur, who raises his fists] You want to fight?
Yeah.
You want to fight?
Okay.
Earth-man wants to fight.
No, no, no.
I'm just kidding, I'm a kidder. Come on, lets be friends, lets connect, you and I. [third arm pops out and punches Arthur] Didn't see that one coming did ya. Popped right out of the box. You foxy. Yeah. [starts dancing away] You should teach your pal a lesson Ford. He's a guest on my ship. [singing] He's a guest on my, shiiiip.
I thought you said you stole it.
Um...let's push this button here!
How about...this?
You forgot your towel. [puts towel over Arthur's eyes]
NOOO get him off me! I'll kill him, I'll kill him! Okay, Ford, there's uh, could you...
No, that's not it, that makes it worse!
No, I don't need that, I don't need that. Could you stop the rocket? Okay Marvin, any ideas?
I have a million ideas, they all point to certain death.
Wow...is this gonna happen every time we...we hit that button?
Very probably, yes.
Whoa, whoa, do it in the trash can, ape man! This ship's brand new!
Oh, come on!
We have normality.
Who are we waiting for again? [Ford puts his hand on Zaphod's knee] No, I'm serious. [a door opens and Trillian is thrown out]
Tricia. [she looks up at Zaphod and angrily gets to her feet and approaches him] Tricia. [he attempts to hug her, but she walks right past him]
Trill. [holds his arms out happily, not noticing her angry facial expression] Hey, come on.
You idiot! [furiously slaps Zaphod] You signed the order to destroy Earth.
Yes. "Love and kisses, Zaphod"? [Zaphod looks at her with a facial expression like "Oops."] You didn't even read it, did you?!
Honey, I'm President of the Galaxy. [Ford and Arthur examine the order as Trillian kneels down before they both look at Zaphod in shock] I don't get a lot of time for reading. [he chuckles sheepishly; Arthur angrily throws the order to the floor]
An entire planet, my home, destroyed all because you thought somebody wanted your autograph!
Are you an idiot?! Seriously?! [throws her shoe at Zaphod]
Trillian.
He threatened me!
A backbone? [follows Trillian as she furiously steps out] Why, what about coming here to rescue you? Thank you. My idea! [one of the paddles smacks him in the face again] Stupid!