M. Gustave You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, **** it.
Most-quoted character in The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014): in 18 of its 24 quotes
Most scenes with: Zero (8), Dmitri (4)
What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client's needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves. So keep your mouth shut, Zero.
More lines from M. Gustave
4 quotes M. Gustave M. Gustave [to Mme. Celine's corpse]
You're looking so well, darling, you really are... they've done a marvelous job. I don't know what sort of cream they've put on you down at the morgue, but... I want some.
M. Gustave Rudeness is merely an expression of fear. People fear they won't get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower.
M. Gustave If I die first, and I almost certainly will, you will be my sole heir. There's not much in the kitty, except a set of ivory-backed hairbrushes and my library of romantic poetry, but when the time comes, these will be yours. Along with whatever we haven't already spent on whores and whiskey.
Scenes with M. Gustave
13 scenes
What happened?
M. Gustave What happened, my dear Zero, is I beat the living shit out of a sniveling little runt called Pinky Bandinski, who had the gall to question my virility. Because, if there's one thing we've learned from penny dreadfuls, it's that when you find yourself in a place like this, you must never be a candy ass; you've got to prove yourself from day one. You've got to win their respect. You should take a long look at HIS ugly mug this morning. [Takes a sip of water and laughs] He's actually become a dear friend. You'll meet him, I hope.
M. Gustave It's quite a thing, winning the loyalty of a woman like that for nineteen consecutive seasons.
Um... yes, sir.
M. Gustave She's very fond of me, you know.
Yes, sir.
M. Gustave I've never seen her like that before.
No, sir.
M. Gustave She was shaking like a shitting dog.
...Truly.
M. Gustave Serge X, missing. Deputy Kovacs, also missing. Madame D, dead. Boy with Apple, stolen (by us). Dmitri and Jopling, ruthless, cold-blooded savages. Gustave H, at large. What else?
Zero, confused.
M. Gustave Zero, confused, indeed. The plot "thickens" as they say. Why, by the way? Is it a soup metaphor?
I don't know.
M. Gustave I'm not angry with Serge; you can't blame someone for their basic lack of moral fiber. He's a frightened little yellow-bellied coward. It's not his fault, is it?
I don't know, it depends.
M. Gustave Well, you can say that about most anything, "it depends". Of course it depends.
Of course it depends, of course it depends.
M. Gustave Yes, I suppose you're right; of course it depends. However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to throttle the little swamp rat.
M. Gustave [after seeing police at reception]
Have you ever been questioned by the authorities?
Yes, on one occasion, I was arrested and tortured by the rebel militia after the Desert Uprising.
M. Gustave You know the drill, then, zip it.
Of course.
M. Gustave You've never hears the word "van Hoytl" in your life. Okay, let's go.
M. Gustave [they go down to the reception]
How may we serve you, gentlemen? Ah, Inspector Henckels!
Henckels By order of the commissioner of police, Zubrowka Province, I hereby place you under arrest for the murder of Madame Celine Villenueve Desgoffe-und-Taxis.
M. Gustave I knew there was something fishy. We never got the cause of death. She's been murdered, and you think I did it. [runs away]
Henckels [as he and his men chase Gustave]
HEY! STOP!
M. Gustave [Of Mme. Celine]
She was dynamite in the sack, by the way.
...She was 84, Monsieur Gustave.
M. Gustave Mmm, I've had older. When you're young, it's all filet steak, but as the years go by, you have to move on to the cheap cuts. Which is fine with me, because I like those. More flavorful, or so they say.
If I learn you ever once laid a finger on my mother's body, living or dead, I swear to God, I'll cut your throat! You hear me?
M. Gustave I thought I was supposed to be a **** ****.
You are, but you're bisexual.
[about M. Gustave]
This criminal has plagued my family for nearly 20 years. He's a ruthless adventurer and a con artist who preys on mentally feeble, sick old ladies! And he probably ****s them, too!
M. Gustave I go to bed with all my friends.
[Dmitri punches M. Gustave, Zero punches Dmitri, Jopling punches Zero]
Where's Boy with Apple?!
M. Gustave (pause)
NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!
Henckels Who's shooting who?
That's Gustave H., the escaped murderer and art thief! I've got him cornered!
M. Gustave That's Dmitri Desgoffe und Taxis! He's responsible for the killing of Deputy Kovacs, Serge X and his club-footed sister, plus his own mother!
Henckels [pause]
Nobody move; everybody's under arrest.
M. Gustave I miss you deeply as I write from the confines of my regrettable and preposterous incarceration. Until I walk amongst you again as a free man, the Grand Budapest remains in your hands, as does its impeccable reputation. Keep it spotless, and glorify it. Take extra-special care of every little bitty bit of it as if I were watching over you like a hawk with a horse-whip in its talons, because I am. Should I discover a lapse of any variety during my absence, I promise swift and merciless justice will descend upon you. A great and noble house has been placed under your protection. Tell Zero if you see any funny business.
Serge X Forgive me, Monsieur Gustave. I never meant to betray you. They threatened my life and now they've murdered my only family.
M. Gustave No. Who did they kill this time?
Serge X My dear sister.
M. Gustave The girl with the club foot?
Serge X Yes.
M. Gustave Those ****ers!
Serge X I tried to warn you at the beginning.
M. Gustave I know, darling. Let's put that behind us. Listen, I hate to put you on the spot, but I really must ask you to clear my name. Obviously you're grieving...
Serge X There's more
M. Gustave Okay.
Serge X To the story...
M. Gustave I get it. Go on.
Serge X I was the official witness in Madame D's presence to the creation of a second will to be executed only in the event of her death by murder.
M. Gustave A second will?
Serge X Right.
M. Gustave In case she got bumped off?
Serge X Right.
M. Gustave Uh-huh?
Serge X But they destroyed it.
M. Gustave Oh dear.
Serge X However...
M. Gustave Uh-huh?
Serge X I pulled a copy?
M. Gustave A second copy of the second will?
Serge X Right.
M. Gustave Uh-huh?
Serge X [Silence]
M. Gustave [Frantically]
What does it say? Where is it? What's it all about dammit? Don't keep us in suspense, Serge! This has been a complete **** nightmare! Just tell us what the **** is going on!
M. Gustave [Suddenly, the communication door in the confession booth was abruptly closed by someone]
Serge? Serge? Serge!
M. Gustave [M. Gustave and Zero went to the other side of the booth and discover Serge has been killed in the midst of speaking to them.]
Bloody hell, they've strangled the poor slob!
M. Gustave The beginning of the end of the end of the beginning has begun. A sad finale played, off-key, on a broken-down saloon piano in the outskirts of a forgotten ghost town. I’d rather not bear witness to such blasphemy.
Me, neither.
M. Gustave The Grand Budapest has become a troop’s barracks. I shall never cross its threshold again in my lifetime.
Me, neither.
M. Gustave Never again shall...
Other characters in The Grand Budapest Hotel
More Ralph Fiennes characters
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Lord Victor Quartermaine
Rameses
Amon Goeth
Lord Voldemort
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Dr. Ian Kelson
Lord Voldemort