Agent 99 quotes from Get Smart (2008)

I am sorry. Despite today's setback, I will at some point become a field agent. And when that happens, one phone call could take me to the other side of the world. [sighs] Who am I kidding? I'm a middle aged man who's missed the train. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. [The camera angle changes to show that he's talking to a dog in a pet store display window] You're so young, so full of life. Don't do it, Fang. Don't love me. [As he starts to walk away, a jogger plows straight into him, and both of them fall down] Oh, dear. Sorry. [He helps her to her feet]

Agent 99

Oh, great! That was my last mile. Now I have no idea how fast I was!

Well, you were really moving. Not easy to knock me down. I have a very low center of gravity. Pretty solid.

Agent 99

I'm just gonna call that one a... 4:50.

Impressive. I, uh, once ran a 5:16.

Agent 99

Oh really? That's, uh, slower.

Well, not everything's a competition.

Agent 99

If it were, I'd win.

Ah. Are you flirting with me?

Agent 99

Not at all. Are you flirting with me?

That depends. Is it working? [99 puts her headphones back in her ears]

Agent 99

Not at all. [jogs away]

Well nice meeting you! I admire your focus! [A man comes out of the store wheeling a dolly, and one wheel runs over Max's foot. He screams in pain] Am I invisible?

Bruce! Lloyd! What happened here... and what is that ungodly smell?

Fear.

Agent 99

Freeze!

Freeze.

Agent 99

No, you freeze!

You freeze.

Agent 99

I told you to freeze!

Freeze, times infinity.

Agent 99

Oh, my God! [turns Max around so that he's facing her, and they recognize each other] You!

You.

Agent 99

Are you CONTROL?

Yes I am. I'm Maxwell Smart. I am a CONTROL analyst. Who are you? [beat]

Agent 99

I'm Agent 99.

Oh, my lord, you are Agent 99? I am a huge fan!

Agent 99

Thank you.

Okay, not to keep dwelling on this, but that was some kiss. How did you know that would work? Have you kissed other men who then plummeted to their deaths? [99 suddenly stops and turns on him]

Agent 99

Okay, okay! You know what, so far our entire "partnership" has consisted of me getting you out of trouble! Do you know why?! It is because you keep leading!!

Well-

Agent 99

So here's how we stop that: I lead now! I'm the one with field experience, and you know nothing!

I beg to differ! [99 starts walking] I looked up your field agent exam, and I scored-

Agent 99

My what?!

Your field agent exam! I scored eight points higher than you did! That is the difference between an A+ and an A-!

Agent 99

This is not a classroom! This is real! You are really going to get yourself killed if you don't listen to me!!

....A-! [Beat]

Agent 99

Okay. Okay, you're faced with an assassin. What do you do?

I take out my gun [draws pistol] and I would shoot-[As he brings it up in front of him, 99 grabs it and points it at his head]

Agent 99

You don't have a gun.

I did until you took it-

Agent 99

"Bang!", you're dead!

No, I'm not. [99 lowers it at his heart]

Agent 99

"Bang!", you're dead!

Stop shooting me.

Agent 99

You are dead! [starts pointing it to all over his upper body] Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang!

I don't like it when you shoot me! Stop it! Stop shooting me! You've already said I was-[99 sticks Max's gun back into his pants, in the process making an almost sexual advance on him] Hey.

Agent 99

Throw out your manual. Out here there are no grades. There's only "dead" and "not dead".

You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of ­Choi Kwang-Do. [99 stops, glaring away from Max. As he warms up, she suddenly spins and backhands him across his face] I was not ready!

Agent 99

That's my point.

You know what-[She slaps him again] Hey! What was that?!

Agent 99

So, how do you know this place?

Well, as an analyst, I like to keep my ears open. It's amazing what you can learn listening to chatter. In fact, Ladislas Krstic loves this place, as do many KAOS agents. Cafe Minsk Pinsk in Smolensk - it doesn't get any better than thinsk. [99 stares at him] See what I just did? I added an "insk" at the end of the word. Made it sound Russian.

Agent 99

Should've smacked you harder.

Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy-nilly? "It's Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face." "Ooh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face." "Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face!"

Agent 99

You know, I love bread, and I know bread has a few carbs, but I've never been afraid of carbs, because it seems like no matter how many I eat, I stay thinsk.

Boy, you know what? I will tell you, I love your country! No more communism, no rules of any kind, really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I ever had! [an alarm on his watch goes off]

Time to take my pill... [He leaves and returns to his and 99's table] There was a guy in the bathroom who's really hot.

Agent 99

OK. Well...

No, no, no, radioactive hot. Although, yes, he did have a certain rugged quality that some find appealing.

Agent 99

Which one of these is going to attract the least attention?

All right, well we have a couple of Soviet-era sedans here. We have that tractor, that cart. And... [looks inside a garage and spots something] that'll work.

Agent 99

No.

Yes.

Agent 99

No!

Yess.....

Agent 99

Oh yeah, we are really under the radar now.

Will you relax? Since the fall of Communism, everybody has one of these here.

' A Ferrari! [His wife whips out a cell phone and promptly takes a picture of the car]

Agent 23

See, this is your problem! Some men like women who are feminine!

Agent 99

What, I'm not feminine?!

Agent 23

Nooo.

Agent 99

I'M NOT FEMININE?!?!?!
[kicks him in the face, causing him to hit another car]