Captain Spaulding [After sex]
You're giving a good riding tonight.
Played by Sid Haig 
The Devil's Rejects (2005) · 48 quotes
The Devil's Rejects (2005) · 48 quotes
Tied for 3rd most-quoted character in The Devil's Rejects (2005): in 12 of its 48 quotes
Most scenes with: Sheriff John Quincy Wydell (2)
What's the matter kid, don't you like clowns? [Kid nods "no"] Why? Don't we make ya laugh, aren't we ****in' funny? You best come up with an answer because I'm gonna be checking up on you and your mama. And if you don't have a reason why you hate clowns, I'm gonna kill your whole ****in' family.
More lines from Captain Spaulding
9 quotes Captain Spaulding Captain Spaulding Do I stutter, bitch?
Captain Spaulding Hey, if you got a problem with my timeframe, son. You'd best spit it out right now.
Captain Spaulding Well come on make your move Whitey! Two hits: I hit you and your dick hits the ****in' dirt.
Captain Spaulding I could really go for some tooty ****in' fruity.
Captain Spaulding Well if you let me finish, I was about to call you goddamned pig ****, pussy piece of shit.
Captain Spaulding [Substituting marijuana for cocaine]
Well, any port in a **** storm.
Captain Spaulding [Confronted by Wydell]
If you're gonna start the killing, you'd best start it right here. Make sure I'm all the way dead, cause I will come back and make you my bitch [Wydell shoots him]
Captain Spaulding [While Wydell talks about his dead brother during torture]
Yeah I remember him. Stupid **** just like you. All I had to do was point him in a direction and there he went. Officer Wy-****in'-dell to the rescue.
Scenes with Captain Spaulding
2 scenes
I bet all the girls wanna **** you.
Roy Sullivan Would you say that again?
I bet all the girls wanna **** you.
Roy Sullivan [mutual laughter]
Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?
Trust me, fella. That ain't the only thing I do with this mouth.
Captain Spaulding I'm gonna have to be taking your car today. See I have some top secret clown business that supersedes any plans that you might have for this here vehicle.
Susan [mutual laughter]
What's that about clown business?
Captain Spaulding [laughs nervously] [pause]
Do I stutter, bitch?
Billy Ray Snapper Yeah no problem. Shit always seems to come our way, Chief.
Yeah maybe if you keep your mouth open long enough you can catch it all.
Alright, here are those names you wanted.
Rondo [Chuckling]
These are some funny ass names.
Yeah look who's ****in' talking Rondo.
Charlie Altamont Oh...yeah! Lord have mercy!! What a mornin'!! Clevon!!
Clevon Yeah boss?
Charlie Altamont You know why I come here to get these chickens?
Clevon No boss.
Charlie Altamont 'Cuz my brother makes the best fried chicken in the world!
Clevon Is that right?
Charlie Altamont (to Darrell)
Yeah, good mornin' good mornin' good mornin' good mornin' sir! How are ya!
Darrell How're you all doin? G'morning.
Charlie Altamont Good, good, good, whatcha got for me?
Darrell We got these, uh, real cute barred rock chickens.
Charlie Altamont Yeah! I see it!
Darrell Some nice, long-legged Rhode Island Reds.
Charlie Altamont RHODE ISLAND RED!! I like that, huh! I want a Rhode Island red for me, all right? Two of 'em.
Darrell Rhode Island Red...two. (long pause, scratches his nose) Now ya'll ain't planning on ****in' these chickens are ya?
Charlie Altamont (after a long pause)
What the **** are you getting at? Do you **** chickens?
Darrell Well, I thought about ****in' some chickens before, eh? If you want to have a good time and you need some pussy, you can (motions with his hands) cut that chicken's head off, stick yo' dick in the ass of that chicken, and that damn chicken'll go crazy on your ass and go "Caaaaah".
Charlie Altamont Are you saying that I would cut off a chicken's head, put my dick in it, **** it...and go "Aah"? You accuse me of **** a chicken, mother****er?
Darrell Nah, I ain't--I ain't callin' you a chicken ****er but...that boy over there looks se--sexually frustrated, and I don't approve of chicken ****.
Clevon Did you hear what he called me, Boss? I ain't--he called me a **** chicken ****er!
Darrell I didn't say--
Charlie Altamont Go back and grab the ****in' chickens, Clevon!! (to Darrell) Here, five.
Darrell Appreciate it...thank y'all.
Clevon Chickenf--He's a chicken ****er!!!
Charlie Altamont It's all right. Put 'em back there. Next time we go someplace else.
Clevon We ain't never buying chickens from him again, boss!!
Charlie Altamont Yeah, I know.
Clevon (yelling back to Darrell)
You inbred! Inbred!!
What jacket?
On the TV.
Bitch **** the TV!
Hey, **** you!
**** you, will you just pay attention to the business at hand here!
Marty Walker That goddamn **** Elvis Presley
What did you say about the King?
Marty Walker I said he died three days before Grouch...
[Wydell grabs Walker]
Son, if you ever say another derogatory word about Elvis Aron Presley in my presence again, I will kick the living shit out of you.
[The rejects are being captured by Wydell] [To Captain Spaulding] :Charlie Altamont: Business is business, baby.
You **** asshole!
She's right Charlie, you are an asshole. Why don't you get back on your **** horse and ride.
Ruth
Poopy! What do you need a gun for? Where are we going?
Captain Spaulding You ain't going nowhere, bitch.
Ruth
Oh, Poopy! Where are you going?
Captain Spaulding Get out of my **** way!
Ruth
Poopy, no!
If you're out there listening to this, I got a message for ya. I'm coming to get ya. You can't run forever. You're gonna have to stop somewhere, sometime, and when you do I'm gonna be there to put the wrath of the Lord up your ass.
Ruth
Poopy, don't go!
Captain Spaulding God damn it, stop calling me Poopy! Leave me alone, woman!
Ruth
I want my Poopy!
Captain Spaulding Leave me alone!
Ruth
Poopy, no!
