Captain Spaulding quotes from House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

View Quote [after shooting Killer Karl] Goddamn, mother****er got blood all over my best clown suit.

View Quote But MOST of all... **** YOU!

View Quote Lt. George Wydell: [holds a photo of Denise] Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours?
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
Deputy Steve Naish: Come on clownie, just answer the damn questions. We ain't interested in your love life.
Lt. George Wydell: Cut the crap Spaulding and get with the facts.

View Quote Captain Spaulding: I know what your problem is.
Bill Hudley: What's that?
Captain Spaulding: Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha?
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, well saddle up the mule, ma. Slide me some grits, I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu.
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: You asshole!

View Quote [last lines]
Captain Spaulding: Sweet baby Jesus, girl. What the hell happened to you?
Denise Willis: [mumbling] I got away.
Captain Spaulding: You... hey, I recognize you. Oh, there's a whole bunch of people been looking for your ass, girl.
Denise Willis: I gotta get to a doctor.
Captain Spaulding: All right, all right. Just sit back and relax. I'll get you to a doctor.
[Denise rests her head on the seat]
Captain Spaulding: That's it. I'll get you there.

View Quote Bill: How long have you been running this place?
Captain Spaulding: How long is a piece of string? Too God damn long, that's how long.
Bill: No, really.
Captain Spaulding: Shit, I don't remember exactly. I took over for my Pa just after the Duke nabbed the Oscar.
Bill: The Duke?
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, my Pa wasn't right in the head after that.
Bill: You mean John Wayne?
Captain Spaulding: Hell, boy there some other Duke you know about? (rolls up his sleeve to reveal a John Wayne tattoo) A great American.
Bill: Yeah, I was never that big of a western fan. I like science fiction.
Captain Spaulding: I figured that much. Why the **** you asking so many jackass questions for?
Bill: You see me and my friends are writing a book on offbeat roadside attractions. You know all the crazy shit you see when you drive cross country.
Captain Spaulding: I don't drive cross country.
Bill: But if you did.
Captain Spaulding: I don't.
Bill: But suppose for a second you did.
Captain Spaulding: Y'all find us country people real funny like don't ya... well, God damn pack up the mule and sling me some grits, I'ze a gotta get me some schooling.

View Quote Captain Spaulding: Mary **** Moses! Ya' all get the **** outa here.
Killer Karl: Cool it Clowney. Keep your paws where I can see them.
Richard Wick: Yeah, d-don't move or I'll b-blast a hole the size of a k-Kansas City watermelon through your ugly-ass b-bozo face.
Captain Spaulding: What the **** is that supposed to mean?
Killer Karl: Go grab that other asshole out of the shitter and drag his ass back in here.
Richard Wick: Right.
Captain Spaulding: You miserable mother****er, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your **** balls in.
Killer Karl: All right, Tippy, hand over the cash box and I might leave your brains inside your skull.
Captain Spaulding: Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King, why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in ya ass.
Killer Karl: I don't like chicken. And, I hate clowns. Put that shit down. PUT IT DOWN! fine That is it! I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splater your grease paint mug all over from here to the state line! One.
Captain Spaulding: **** yo mama.
Killer Karl: Two.
Captain Spaulding: **** yo sister.
Richard Wick: What are we gonna do?
Stucky: Hey, I know you. You work down at the hardware store. right? Richard Wick right?
Richard Wick: Shut your trap.
Killer Karl: Quiet down both of you! Three.
Captain Spaulding: **** yo grandma.
Stucky: Hey I remember now all the guys make fun out of you. They call you Little Dick Wick.
Richard Wick: Shut up!
Stucky: Little Dick Wick played with his prick, don't his smell just make you sick?'
Richard Wick: Stop singing I hate that song.
Killer Karl: Put your **** mask back on. **** it!
Captain Spaulding: Most of all **** you! Goddamn mother****er got blood all over my best clown suit.