House of 1000 Corpses (2003) quotes

View Quote Bill: How long have you been running this place?
Captain Spaulding: How long is a piece of string? Too God damn long, that's how long.
Bill: No, really.
Captain Spaulding: Shit, I don't remember exactly. I took over for my Pa just after the Duke nabbed the Oscar.
Bill: The Duke?
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, my Pa wasn't right in the head after that.
Bill: You mean John Wayne?
Captain Spaulding: Hell, boy there some other Duke you know about? (rolls up his sleeve to reveal a John Wayne tattoo) A great American.
Bill: Yeah, I was never that big of a western fan. I like science fiction.
Captain Spaulding: I figured that much. Why the **** you asking so many jackass questions for?
Bill: You see me and my friends are writing a book on offbeat roadside attractions. You know all the crazy shit you see when you drive cross country.
Captain Spaulding: I don't drive cross country.
Bill: But if you did.
Captain Spaulding: I don't.
Bill: But suppose for a second you did.
Captain Spaulding: Y'all find us country people real funny like don't ya... well, God damn pack up the mule and sling me some grits, I'ze a gotta get me some schooling.

View Quote Captain Spaulding: I know what your problem is.
Bill Hudley: What's that?
Captain Spaulding: Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha?
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, well saddle up the mule, ma. Slide me some grits, I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu.
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: You asshole!

View Quote Captain Spaulding: Mary **** Moses! Ya' all get the **** outa here.
Killer Karl: Cool it Clowney. Keep your paws where I can see them.
Richard Wick: Yeah, d-don't move or I'll b-blast a hole the size of a k-Kansas City watermelon through your ugly-ass b-bozo face.
Captain Spaulding: What the **** is that supposed to mean?
Killer Karl: Go grab that other asshole out of the shitter and drag his ass back in here.
Richard Wick: Right.
Captain Spaulding: You miserable mother****er, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your **** balls in.
Killer Karl: All right, Tippy, hand over the cash box and I might leave your brains inside your skull.
Captain Spaulding: Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King, why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in ya ass.
Killer Karl: I don't like chicken. And, I hate clowns. Put that shit down. PUT IT DOWN! fine That is it! I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splater your grease paint mug all over from here to the state line! One.
Captain Spaulding: **** yo mama.
Killer Karl: Two.
Captain Spaulding: **** yo sister.
Richard Wick: What are we gonna do?
Stucky: Hey, I know you. You work down at the hardware store. right? Richard Wick right?
Richard Wick: Shut your trap.
Killer Karl: Quiet down both of you! Three.
Captain Spaulding: **** yo grandma.
Stucky: Hey I remember now all the guys make fun out of you. They call you Little Dick Wick.
Richard Wick: Shut up!
Stucky: Little Dick Wick played with his prick, don't his smell just make you sick?'
Richard Wick: Stop singing I hate that song.
Killer Karl: Put your **** mask back on. **** it!
Captain Spaulding: Most of all **** you! Goddamn mother****er got blood all over my best clown suit.

View Quote Lt. George Wydell: [holds a photo of Denise] Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours?
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
Deputy Steve Naish: Come on clownie, just answer the damn questions. We ain't interested in your love life.
Lt. George Wydell: Cut the crap Spaulding and get with the facts.

View Quote Mary Knowles: [sees Baby on Bill's lap] Get off him!
Mary Knowles: [Baby doesn't budge] I said get the **** off him you stupid **** whore! **** slut!
Baby: [Baby gets pushed to the ground] Oh, you shouldn't of done that!
Mary Knowles: Oh, really? Are you gonna do something about it?
Baby: I'll do something, mother****er. I'll **** cut your tits off and shove 'em down your throat!

View Quote Otis: Boy, I bet you'd stick your head in fire if I told ya you could see Hell. Meanwhile, you're too stupid to realize you got a demon stickin' out your ass singing, "Holy Miss Moley,
[Whole family joins in]
Otis: Got me a live one."

View Quote Otis: I'm the one who brings the Christmas candy. Now tell me, who's your daddy? I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy.
Mother: Who's your daddy?
Otis: I'm the one who beats you when you're bad.
Baby: Who's your daddy?
Mother: Who's your daddy?
Otis: [walking to Denise, while wearing her father's skin] Come on, sweetie. Give the old man some sugar.
Denise Willis: Daddy, Daddy.
Otis: [taking off his robe] And I'm the one who loves ya when you're **** dead!

View Quote [last lines]
Captain Spaulding: Sweet baby Jesus, girl. What the hell happened to you?
Denise Willis: [mumbling] I got away.
Captain Spaulding: You... hey, I recognize you. Oh, there's a whole bunch of people been looking for your ass, girl.
Denise Willis: I gotta get to a doctor.
Captain Spaulding: All right, all right. Just sit back and relax. I'll get you to a doctor.
[Denise rests her head on the seat]
Captain Spaulding: That's it. I'll get you there.

View Quote [Mary screams]
Otis: Shut your mouth!
[more screams]
Otis: I said, shut your **** mouth!
[screams]
Otis: Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever. Now, I'm gonna remove your gap... But! If you make so much as a ****in' peep! I'm going to cut you like a pig and make you eat your own **** intestines... you got me?

View Quote Ain't the only thing tasty in this house.

View Quote Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs.

View Quote Bill... He's a good guy, Ohhh hoo... He's been great help to me. A real blessin'... I mean, I couldn't have asked for a better specimen. You don't know what kinda dry spell I've had here. Total Block, Total Block! But Bill... He's OK.

View Quote But MOST of all... **** YOU!

View Quote Give me a "B", give me an "A", give me a "B" give me a "Y", What's that spell? What's that spell? WHAT'S THAT SPELL?

View Quote Hey, Poopy-pants. What's new?