Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?
Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.
Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?
Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. 'Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, ****-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?
...
[Elias steps out of his mother's vehicle, kisses her on the lips and enters the restaurant]
Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you?
You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.
Oh, yeah. What's her name again?
Myra Hodgkiss.
You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up.
No.
Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?
Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.
Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I **** Taton Weathers' kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?
You kind of made me smell your fingers.
Maybe you just don't like the pussy. Maybe you're all about the ****.
No, no, I like the pussy.
So come on. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?
Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.
Why? Jesus, Elias, come on. You got to start trusting me more. Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.
No, I'm not.
Who the **** else am I gonna hang out with? It's gonna be you and me, buddy. So come on. You got to start trusting me more. Open up and tell me shit. Like why haven't you **** Myra yet?
What the ****'s Pillow Pants?
Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll. Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?
Sure.
Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
And Myra told you this?
Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.
Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?
Women.
I'll be right back.
...
You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.
Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?
Well, well, well... Pickle ****.
Man, look at you two fun-ployees. Nothing's changed. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who shit first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.
Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.
Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves. flipping burgers? Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?
We can't all be Internet millionaires.
Who's an Internet millionaire?
Elias, this is Lance Dowds. We went to high school together. A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online. You might have heard of it... MadDucketts.com.
Didn't that just sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks?
Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle ****. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations. They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls' shower room naked. But Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.
Ew...
Yeah, but don't worry... he made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly... Pickle ****er.
Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers? Because I'd moderate it for free.
Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your D&D, GoBots bullshit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't insult the guy. The GoBots are like the Kmart of Transformers.
Thank you! I keep telling them that.
Here, here's my e-mail address. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.
Cool.
Okay, let's see. What do I want? Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?
I'll get your order. [Puts dead flies burger, puts urinal ice in drink and hands order to Lance] Here you go.
Well, that was fast.
And fresh.
Thanks.
Come again.
You know what? [Hands order to Jay-Jay] Take mine. [To Randal] Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?
[Takes order from Lance]
Wow, thanks, Pickle ****er. [Leaves] Yo, so Pickle **** gave us free eats!
You know, I don't eat fast food. It's not good for you. But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time. Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. Take care, clerks. [Imitates guns] Ooh, sick burn. [Chuckles and leaves]
...
**** this. Let me borrow your car.
You're supposed to be working.
I got to get out of here for a few minutes.
