1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
We're gonna come out of this war rich!
Yossarian
You're gonna come out rich. We're gonna come out dead.
Played by Alan Arkin 
Catch-22 (1970) · 15 quotes
Catch-22 (1970) · 15 quotes
Scenes with Yossarian
9 scenes 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Yossarian
Doc Daneeka
You're wasting your time
Yossarian
Can't you ground someone who's crazy?
Doc Daneeka
Oh, sure. I have to. There's a rule saying I have to ground anyone who's crazy.
Yossarian
Then why don't you ground me? I'm crazy. Ask Clevinger.
Doc Daneeka
Clevinger? Where is Clevinger? You find Clevinger and I'll ask him.
Yossarian
Then ask any of the others. They'll tell you how crazy I am.
Doc Daneeka
They're crazy
Yossarian
Then why don't you ground them?
Doc Daneeka
Why don't they ask me to ground them?
Yossarian
Because they're crazy, that's why.
Doc Daneeka
Of course they're crazy, I just told you they're crazy, didn't I? And you can't let crazy people decide if they crazy or not.
Yossarian
Is Orr crazy?
Doc Daneeka
He sure is.
Yossarian
Can you ground him?
Doc Daneeka
I sure can. But first he has to ask me to. That's part of the rule.
Yossarian
Then why doesn't he ask you to?
Doc Daneeka
Because he's crazy, He has to be crazy to keep flying combat missions after all the close calls he's had. Sure, I can ground Orr. But first he has to ask me to.
Yossarian
That's all he has to do to be grounded?
Doc Daneeka
That's all. Let him ask me.
Yossarian
And then you can ground him?
Doc Daneeka
No. Then I cannot ground him. (Yossarian cries out in frustration) See, there's a catch, Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy.
Yossarian
That's some catch, that Catch-22.
Doc Daneeka
It's the best there is.
Yossarian
Those bastards are trying to kill me.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
No one is trying to kill you sweetheart. Now eat your dessert like a good boy.
Yossarian
Oh yeah? Then why are they shooting at me Milo?
Dobbs
They're shooting at everyone Yossarian.
Yossarian
And what difference does that make?
Dobbs
Look Yossarian, suppose, I mean just suppose everyone thought the same way you do.
Yossarian
Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different.
Colonel Cathcart
You're a disgrace. I'd like to know how you got to be a Captain, anyway.
Yossarian
You promoted me.
Colonel Cathcart
That has got nothing to do with it.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Yossarian, I want you to do something for me. [removes item from small bag] I want to serve this to the men. Taste it and let me know what you think.
Yossarian
[Yossarian takes a bite]
What is it?
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Chocolate-covered cotton.
Yossarian
What are you, crazy?
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
No good, huh?
Yossarian
For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out!
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Is it really that bad?
Yossarian
It's cotton!
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
They've got to learn to like it!
Yossarian
Why?
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Look, I saw this great opportunity to corner the market in Egyptian cotton. How was I supposed to know there was going to be a glut? I've got a hundred warehouses stacked with the stuff all over the European theater. I can't get rid of a penny's worth. People eat cotton candy, don't they? Well this stuff is better - it's made out of real cotton.
Yossarian
Milo, people can't eat cotton!
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
They've got to - it's for the Syndicate!
Yossarian
It will make them sick! - why don't you try it yourself if you don't believe me?
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
I did - and it made me sick.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Nately died a wealthy man, Yossarian. He had over sixty shares in the syndicate.
Yossarian
What difference does that make? He's dead.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Then his family will get it.
Yossarian
He didn't have time to have a family.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Then his parents will get it.
Yossarian
They don't need it, they're rich.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Then they'll understand.
Yossarian
He was very old.
Luciana
But he was a boy.
Yossarian
Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.
Colonel Cathcart
[as the base is being bombed in an air raid]
What are you doing, Yossarian! Get off the field!
Colonel Cathcart
[Yossarian fires a Colt .45 at him, but it clicks, empty]
I wanna' see you later. You're confined to the base. I won't forget this!
Yossarian
I don't think the Air Force is gonna' forget about this!
Colonel Cathcart
Don't be ridiculous! What's good for M&M Enterprises is good for the Air Force! We had to get rid of that cotton. The Germans promised to take it off our hands, if we ran this mission for them! It's all part of the deal!
Lt. Col. Korn, XO
[loud bomb explosion is heard]
There goes the Officer's Club!
Yossarian
You made a deal with the Germans to bomb our own base?
Colonel Cathcart
A contract is a contract! That's what we're fighting for!
Danby
[Yossarian leaps out of the hospital window, fleeing the base.]
Yossarian!
Yossarian
I can do it, Danby!
Tappman
They'll catch you, they'll bring you back!
Yossarian
I can do it!
Danby
This is insane!
Yossarian
I can do it!
Tappman
What about your clothes?
Yossarian
They'll never recognize me without my uniform!
Danby
You'll be on the run with no friends! You'll live in constant danger of betrayal!
Yossarian
[laughs]
I live that way now.
Danby
Yossarian, for God's sake, hurry up!
Yossarian
So long, Chaplain!
Tappman
How do you feel, Yossarian?
Yossarian
Fine... because I'm scared to death.
Danby
You'll have to keep on your toes every minute.
Yossarian
I'll keep on my toes.
Tappman
You'll have to jump.
Yossarian
I'll jump.
Tappman
JUMP!
[Yossarian jumps over a ditch and runs to the sea while inflating a life raft. He leaps into the sea, paddling furiously, and is gone]
