General Dreedle Get back in the car, you smirking slut!
Yossarian
Alan Arkin · 9 quotes
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder
Jon Voight · 4 quotes
Major Danby
Richard Benjamin · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Yossarian & 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder (4)
Catch-22 quotes
General Dreedle Nately died a wealthy man, Yossarian. He had over sixty shares in the syndicate.
What difference does that make? He's dead.
Then his family will get it.
He didn't have time to have a family.
Then his parents will get it.
They don't need it, they're rich.
Then they'll understand.
We're gonna come out of this war rich!
You're gonna come out rich. We're gonna come out dead.
Yossarian, I want you to do something for me. [removes item from small bag] I want to serve this to the men. Taste it and let me know what you think.
Chocolate-covered cotton.
What are you, crazy?
No good, huh?
For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out!
Is it really that bad?
It's cotton!
They've got to learn to like it!
Why?
Look, I saw this great opportunity to corner the market in Egyptian cotton. How was I supposed to know there was going to be a glut? I've got a hundred warehouses stacked with the stuff all over the European theater. I can't get rid of a penny's worth. People eat cotton candy, don't they? Well this stuff is better - it's made out of real cotton.
Milo, people can't eat cotton!
They've got to - it's for the Syndicate!
It will make them sick! - why don't you try it yourself if you don't believe me?
I did - and it made me sick.
Capt. Nately Don't you have any principles?
Old man in whorehouse Of course not!
Capt. Nately No morality?
Old man in whorehouse I'm a very moral man, and Italy is a very moral country. That's why we will certainly come out on top again if we succeed in being defeated.
Capt. Nately You talk like a madman.
Old man in whorehouse But I live like a sane one. I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top. Now that he has been deposed, I am anti-fascist. When the Germans were here, I was fanatically pro-German. Now I'm fanatically pro-American. You'll find no more loyal partisan in all of Italy than myself.
Capt. Nately You're a shameful opportunist! What you don't understand is that it's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
Old man in whorehouse You have it backwards. It's better to live on your feet than to die on your knees. I know.
Capt. Nately How do you know?
Old man in whorehouse Because I am 107-years-old. How old are you?
Capt. Nately I'll be 20 in January.
Old man in whorehouse (with pity): If you live.
Colonel Cathcart [as the base is being bombed in an air raid]
What are you doing, Yossarian! Get off the field!
Colonel Cathcart [Yossarian fires a Colt .45 at him, but it clicks, empty]
I wanna' see you later. You're confined to the base. I won't forget this!
I don't think the Air Force is gonna' forget about this!
Colonel Cathcart Don't be ridiculous! What's good for M&M Enterprises is good for the Air Force! We had to get rid of that cotton. The Germans promised to take it off our hands, if we ran this mission for them! It's all part of the deal!
Lt. Col. Korn, XO
[loud bomb explosion is heard]
There goes the Officer's Club!
You made a deal with the Germans to bomb our own base?
Colonel Cathcart A contract is a contract! That's what we're fighting for!
Colonel Cathcart You're a disgrace. I'd like to know how you got to be a Captain, anyway.
You promoted me.
Colonel Cathcart That has got nothing to do with it.
Doc Daneeka
You're wasting your time
Can't you ground someone who's crazy?
Doc Daneeka
Oh, sure. I have to. There's a rule saying I have to ground anyone who's crazy.
Then why don't you ground me? I'm crazy. Ask Clevinger.
Doc Daneeka
Clevinger? Where is Clevinger? You find Clevinger and I'll ask him.
Then ask any of the others. They'll tell you how crazy I am.
Doc Daneeka
They're crazy
Then why don't you ground them?
Doc Daneeka
Why don't they ask me to ground them?
Because they're crazy, that's why.
Doc Daneeka
Of course they're crazy, I just told you they're crazy, didn't I? And you can't let crazy people decide if they crazy or not.
Is Orr crazy?
Doc Daneeka
He sure is.
Can you ground him?
Doc Daneeka
I sure can. But first he has to ask me to. That's part of the rule.
Then why doesn't he ask you to?
Doc Daneeka
Because he's crazy, He has to be crazy to keep flying combat missions after all the close calls he's had. Sure, I can ground Orr. But first he has to ask me to.
That's all he has to do to be grounded?
Doc Daneeka
That's all. Let him ask me.
And then you can ground him?
Doc Daneeka
No. Then I cannot ground him. (Yossarian cries out in frustration) See, there's a catch, Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy.
That's some catch, that Catch-22.
Doc Daneeka
It's the best there is.
Maj. Major Major Major Is something wrong?
Tappman No, no. I... just thought I saw something.
Maj. Major Major Major A naked man in a tree?
Tappman Yes, that's it.
Maj. Major Major Major Sergeant, from now on, I don't want anyone to come in and see me while I'm in my office. Is that clear?
First Sgt. Towser Yes, sir. What do I say to people who want to come in and see you while you're in your office?
Maj. Major Major Major Tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.
First Sgt. Towser For how long?
Maj. Major Major Major Until I've left.
First Sgt. Towser And then what do I do with them?
Maj. Major Major Major I don't care.
First Sgt. Towser May I send people in to see you after you've left?
Maj. Major Major Major Yes.
First Sgt. Towser You won't be here then, will you?
Maj. Major Major Major No.
First Sgt. Towser: I see, sir. Will that be all?
Maj. Major Major Major: Also, Sergeant, I don't want you coming in while I'm in my office asking me if there's anything you can do for me. Is that clear?
First Sgt. Towser Yes, sir. When should I come in your office and ask if there's anything I can do for you?
Maj. Major Major Major When I'm not there.
First Sgt. Towser What do I do then?
Maj. Major Major Major Whatever has to be done.
First Sgt. Towser Yes, sir.
Old man in whorehouse You see, Italy is a very poor, weak country and that is what makes us so strong, strong enough to survive this war and still be in existence, long after your country has been destroyed.
Capt. Nately What are you talking about? America is not going to be destroyed.
Old man in whorehouse Never?
Capt. Nately Well...
Old man in whorehouse Rome was destroyed. Greece was destroyed. Persia was destroyed. Spain was destroyed. All great countries are destroyed. Why not yours? How much longer do you think your country will last? Forever?
Capt. Nately Well, forever is a long time.
Old man in whorehouse Very long.
He was very old.
Luciana But he was a boy.
Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.
Those bastards are trying to kill me.
No one is trying to kill you sweetheart. Now eat your dessert like a good boy.
Oh yeah? Then why are they shooting at me Milo?
Dobbs They're shooting at everyone Yossarian.
And what difference does that make?
Dobbs Look Yossarian, suppose, I mean just suppose everyone thought the same way you do.
Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different.
I can do it, Danby!
Tappman They'll catch you, they'll bring you back!
I can do it!
This is insane!
I can do it!
Tappman What about your clothes?
They'll never recognize me without my uniform!
You'll be on the run with no friends! You'll live in constant danger of betrayal!
Yossarian, for God's sake, hurry up!
So long, Chaplain!
Tappman How do you feel, Yossarian?
Fine... because I'm scared to death.
You'll have to keep on your toes every minute.
I'll keep on my toes.
Tappman You'll have to jump.
I'll jump.
Tappman JUMP!
[Yossarian jumps over a ditch and runs to the sea while inflating a life raft. He leaps into the sea, paddling furiously, and is gone]
Weather conditions have improved tremendously over the mainland, so you won't have any trouble at all seeing the target. Of course, we mustn't forget, that means that they won't have any trouble at all seeing you.