Taggart What in the wide wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?! I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City ****s!
3rd most-quoted character in Blazing Saddles (1974): in 19 of its 93 quotes
Most scenes with: Hedley Lamarr (6), Bart (2), Lyle (2)
... "Le Petomane Through Way"? Now what'll that asshole think of next? Has anybody got a dime? (cowboys grumble) Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!
More lines from Taggart
9 quotes Taggart Taggart Horses! We can't afford to lose no horses you dummy! Send a couple-a ****.
Taggart Dang, that was lucky! God darn near lost a $400 handcart!
Taggart Don't just lie around getting a suntan. Ain't gonna do you no good no how!
Taggart An uppity **** went and hit me on the head with a shovel.
Taggart Gaw-lee, Mr. Lamarr: you use your tongue purdier than a $20 w***e!
Taggart Piss on you, I'm workin' for Mel Brooks!
Taggart Send a wire to the main office, and tell them that I said... (Bart hits him on the head with a shovel) OW!!!
Taggart Well, how do you like that! We take the trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West,and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff who's Blacker than any Indian! I AM DEPRESSED!!
Scenes with Taggart
9 scenes
Reverend
Oh Lord, can we complete this mighty task in one night, or we all just jerking off?
Everyone Else
AMEN.
(after Lyle and a bunch of other guys farted for 3 minutes)
How about some more beans, Mr. Taggart?
Taggart I'd say you've had enough.
Taggart I got it. I got it.
You do?
Taggart We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
"Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
You spare the women?
Taggart NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Marvelous.
My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart Ditto!
"Ditto"? "Ditto", you provincial putz?!
My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
Shit-kicker.
That's not much of a crime.
Through the Vatican?
[smiling]
Kinky! Sign here. (Bart begins to sign, his dark-skinned hand showing)
Jim (thinking fast, talking mock-southern, pretending to scrub the back of Bart's hand): Rhett, how many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross-burnin's? (turns Bart's hand up, exposing naturally-light palm) See, it's comin' off! (Taggart pulls Bart's hood off).
And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens! (Bart and Jim sprint away)
Cease them! [fires a shot in the air] Catch them! Get them!
Taggart Hold up, men! We'll head them off at the pass!
'Head them off at the pass'?! I hate that clich?! [Shoots Taggart in the foot]
Taggart Well, holy mother of pearl! It's that **** that went and hit me over the head with a shovel! Now, just what do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?!
Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge!
Taggart What do you want me to do, sir?
I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gun slinger in the West. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull ****, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists! [Laughs hysterically and sinisterly]
Taggart [finally finding a pen and paper]
Could you repeat that, sir?
[Groan!]
Qualifications.
Rapist
Rape, murder, arson and rape.
You said rape twice.
Rapist
I like rape.
Taggart [Chuckles]
He'll do.
Charming. Sign right here.
Gum-chewing outlaw
Arson, armed robbery...mayhem.
Wait a minute. What have you got in your mouth?
Gum-chewing outlaw
[Stops chewing]
Noth-um!
"Noth-um", eh? Lyle.
Chewing gum in line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody!
Gum-chewing outlaw
[panicked]
...I didn't know there was gonna be so many! [Lamarr shoots him dead]
Taggart [En route to Rock Ridge, Taggart and his army find a tollbooth in their way. The toll is 10 cents and the tollbooth is named the Gov. William J. Le Petomane Toll Thruway.] [reading sign]
"Le Petomane Throughway." Now what'll that asshole think of next? Does anybody got a dime [assorted negative responses from the men] Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!
Taggart [An hour later, the Rock Ridge residents have planted dynamite in their mockup town and the men are going through the tollbooth, one at a time.]
Hurry up! Speed it up! Faster, faster! Oh, we ain't ever gonna git to Rock Ridge!
