Hey, I'm Matt Brody!
And not a single **** was given...
Matt Brody
Zac Efron · 11 quotes
Mitch Buchannon
9 quotes
Ronnie Greenbaum
Jon Bass · 6 quotes
Summer Quinn
Alexandra Daddario · 5 quotes
Most scenes together: Mitch Buchannon & Matt Brody (4), Matt Brody & Ronnie Greenbaum (3), Matt Brody & Summer Quinn (3)
Baywatch quotes
Page 1 of 2Hey. I'm more motivated than ever. So you're going to make me guess your name? Are you following me?
I was actually just going to ask you the same thing. Okay. Look, you're hot. I may resist for a while, but we both know eventually I'll give in. So why don't we just skip that. Why don't you put a baby in me? Now.
You know, honestly... I was thinking dinner first. But we could try the baby thing, if you want.
You are trying. Way too hard.
So, Dave had access to Leeds' server.
Her server? You mean her network.
Yeah, her network, that's what I meant. Okay, so we just take a flash drive, and we plug it in, you know, get in to her cloud, and then steal all her cookies, right, and then we're straight through the firewall.
Okay, literally none of what you said made any sense.
Straight over the firewall.
It's not, like, a physical thing you do.
What do you mean 'You People'?
You don't get to say that. You're just tan.
Will it work? Maybe. Will there be some surprises along the way? Abso-****-lutely. Is anyone gonna die? I don't know. Maybe Ronnie.
Sorry, what?
Hey, fresh face. You here for the qualifiers?
Uh, no, no, I'm not trying out. I'm actually already on the team.
You're already on this team?
I'm Matt Brody. Ready for duty.
"Ready for duty"? Oh, okay. Um, you got any papers or anything like that?
I do. There you go.
Oh, it's a permission slip. Literally. "Dear Mitch, I am pleased to write you on behalf of Mr. Matt Brody." Right. Well, no free passes.
Yeah. Whoa.
At all. Yeah, 'cause I don't give a shit.
I legit needed those for my taxes.
What you need is to understand that if you're going to be on this team, you got to earn it.
Really?
Yeah. So, why don't we start this whole thing over, just like gentlemen? Where you from, One Direction?
Um... Iowa? Iowa? You heard of it?
Yeah, I know what it is. Hey, Steph.
Stephanie Holden
Hey.
New Kids on the Block here is from Iowa.
Stephanie Holden
Oh, man.
And, uh, he says he's already on the team. Yeah. Doesn't have to try out.
Stephanie Holden
Really?
Yeah, absolutely. Let me ask you this...A lot of oceans in Iowa?
Stephanie Holden
No, just ponds and lakes and cocky pretty boys, apparently.
Uh-huh. Cocky pretty boys.
Stephanie Holden
Hey, Mitch, what happened to that last pretty boy recruit we had?
He died.
Stephanie Holden
R.I.P.
Are you guys being serious right now? I honestly can't tell. You show up here, matching bathing suits. What is this, "lifeguard hazing"? I'm Matt Brody. I hold the world record in the 200 meter. Two gold medals.
Hey! Matt Brody.
Stephanie Holden
Matt Brody.
Yes, yes. Absolutely. And we still don't give a ****.
Stephanie Holden
Don't give a ****.
No, fresh out.
Stephanie Holden
Fresh out of ****s.
Yeah. Okay, that ocean out there has riptides that'll tear your little mangina in two.
My mangina? So you are being serious.
Dead serious, right now, NSYNC, all right? This ain't no little **** pond out of Iowa. So with all due respect, you want to be here on this team, on our team, you're gonna have to earn it.
Look, I get it. You're big, sasquatch. But I'm fast. Really **** fast. Which is why somebody important thinks I belong here. So when you two figure out who the **** I am, you can find me on the beach. [slaps Mitch's face lightly] See you.
Stephanie Holden
[Matt leaves]
Did that really just happen?
It did. He slapped me.
Stephanie Holden
Wow.
Yeah. His hands were soft and supple though, like a woman. No offense.
Stephanie Holden
None taken.
How about diamond smugglers who are putting the rocks in surfboards and bringing them ashore?
Everything that you guys are talking about sounds like a really, like, entertaining but far-fetched TV show.
My gut says there's some bad shit going on over there, and my balls say we need to go over there and check it out.
Your balls said that?
Yes, they did.
Okay, my balls say [in a high-pitched voice] "Just take it easy right here. Just chill."
Why the **** do your balls sound like three-year-old girls?
I don't know, man. That's just how they talk. But they're wise.
I've never seen any interface like this! I don't know what to **** do!
CJ Parker
Hey, look at me! You are the tech guy. You are the mother**** tech guy.
She's like some sort of modern-day J. Edgar Hoover.
The vacuum guy.
No.
You see it too?
And she always looks wet, but not too wet.
Right? She's the reason I believe in God.
Did you just, uh look at my boobs?
Ah, that was not my intention...I didn't, uh, stare directly at them. [looks down at her]
No I didn't. [looks down again] Now I did. 'Cause you're talking about them.
[bouncing her breasts]
Testing... Oh, failed. Oh my god. We're gonna be in swimsuits a lot, so...
Yeah.
If it's going to be a problem for you...
There's not a problem at all, for me.
Yeah.
Cool.
Alright. You just looked at them again. [walks off]
No, I didn't...I was...I didn't...I mean, when you point them out like that... It's a compliment, if you think about it, sort of.
Victoria Leeds
Such accusations! I'm not a Bond villain. Well... [considers] yet! You're in politics. You know that no one can claw their way to the top without getting a little dirt under their fingernails. Clearly I overestimated you. But calling me a drug dealer! I'm... so much bigger than that, you know.
Councilman Rodriguez
I...
Victoria Leeds
Leon, teach him some manners. [puts on sunglasses] Have fun, boys.
Councilman Rodriguez
[leaves]
I agree with... [stammers] I overstepped! [professional killer Leon takes off his coat, he has a gun] I overstepped, Victoria! [to the two thugs] Guys, we can talk about this.
Frankie
Leon doesn't talk. He's a man of action. There's a purity to that.
Leon
[snarling at Rodriguez]
I'm gonna kill you!
Frankie
Damn it! You do that every time. I build you up, and then you ruin the mystique.
Victoria Leeds
Time to die, boys.
No! I w– born of the sea. I eat fire coral and I piss salt water. I scratch my back with a whale's dick, and I loofah my chest with his ballsack.
Victoria Leeds
What the ****?
I'll die when the tide stops and the moon drowns. Until then... I'm oceanic, mother****er.
Victoria Leeds
How tacky.
[final scene]
Uh, guys, after finding the drugs, helping save Chen and helping me blow up the bad girl with a Roman candle, it's a pleasure to say you are officially no longer trainees.
CJ Parker
Whoo!
CJ Parker
Yeah, guys.
Hey, guys, one more important thing. I want to introduce you to our new captain who has been running our Hawaii division very successfully for years now: the amazing Captain Casey Jean.
[Casey Jean appears in slow motion. Matt and Ronnie are stunned]
Is it just me, or is she in...
Stephanie Holden
Super slow motion?
Yeah.
CJ Parker
[dryly]
Wow. This is gonna take a while.