Mitch Buchannon quotes from Baywatch (2017)

Who taught you how to drive? Stevie **** Wonder?

You going night-night, bitch.

Hey, fresh face. You here for the qualifiers?

Matt Brody

Uh, no, no, I'm not trying out. I'm actually already on the team.

You're already on this team?

Matt Brody

I'm Matt Brody. Ready for duty.

"Ready for duty"? Oh, okay. Um, you got any papers or anything like that?

Matt Brody

I do. There you go.

Oh, it's a permission slip. Literally. "Dear Mitch, I am pleased to write you on behalf of Mr. Matt Brody." Right. Well, no free passes.

Matt Brody

Yeah. Whoa.

At all. Yeah, 'cause I don't give a shit.

Matt Brody

I legit needed those for my taxes.

What you need is to understand that if you're going to be on this team, you got to earn it.

Matt Brody

Really?

Yeah. So, why don't we start this whole thing over, just like gentlemen? Where you from, One Direction?

Matt Brody

Um... Iowa? Iowa? You heard of it?

Yeah, I know what it is. Hey, Steph.

Hey.

New Kids on the Block here is from Iowa.

Oh, man.

And, uh, he says he's already on the team. Yeah. Doesn't have to try out.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely. Let me ask you this...A lot of oceans in Iowa?

No, just ponds and lakes and cocky pretty boys, apparently.

Uh-huh. Cocky pretty boys.

Hey, Mitch, what happened to that last pretty boy recruit we had?

He died.

R.I.P.

Matt Brody

Are you guys being serious right now? I honestly can't tell. You show up here, matching bathing suits. What is this, "lifeguard hazing"? I'm Matt Brody. I hold the world record in the 200 meter. Two gold medals.

Hey! Matt Brody.

Matt Brody.

Yes, yes. Absolutely. And we still don't give a ****.

Don't give a ****.

No, fresh out.

Fresh out of ****s.

Yeah. Okay, that ocean out there has riptides that'll tear your little mangina in two.

Matt Brody

My mangina? So you are being serious.

Dead serious, right now, NSYNC, all right? This ain't no little **** pond out of Iowa. So with all due respect, you want to be here on this team, on our team, you're gonna have to earn it.

Matt Brody

Look, I get it. You're big, sasquatch. But I'm fast. Really **** fast. Which is why somebody important thinks I belong here. So when you two figure out who the **** I am, you can find me on the beach. [slaps Mitch's face lightly] See you.

Did that really just happen?

It did. He slapped me.

Wow.

Yeah. His hands were soft and supple though, like a woman. No offense.

None taken.

My gut says there's some bad shit going on over there, and my balls say we need to go over there and check it out.

Matt Brody

Your balls said that?

Yes, they did.

Matt Brody

Okay, my balls say [in a high-pitched voice] "Just take it easy right here. Just chill."

Why the **** do your balls sound like three-year-old girls?

Matt Brody

I don't know, man. That's just how they talk. But they're wise.

How about diamond smugglers who are putting the rocks in surfboards and bringing them ashore?

Matt Brody

Everything that you guys are talking about sounds like a really, like, entertaining but far-fetched TV show.

Matt Brody

What do you mean 'You People'?

You don't get to say that. You're just tan.

Time to die, boys.

No! I w– born of the sea. I eat fire coral and I piss salt water. I scratch my back with a whale's dick, and I loofah my chest with his ballsack.

What the ****?

I'll die when the tide stops and the moon drowns. Until then... I'm oceanic, mother****er.

How tacky.

Uh, guys, after finding the drugs, helping save Chen and helping me blow up the bad girl with a Roman candle, it's a pleasure to say you are officially no longer trainees.

Whoo!

Congratulations!

Yeah, guys.

Hey, guys, one more important thing. I want to introduce you to our new captain who has been running our Hawaii division very successfully for years now: the amazing Captain Casey Jean.

Ronnie Greenbaum

Is it just me, or is she in...

Super slow motion?

Summer Quinn

Yeah.

Wow. This is gonna take a while.

That's how we roll.