Dean Vernon Wormer quotes from Animal House (1978)

Dean Vernon Wormer

I hate those guys.

Dean Wormer

Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?

Greg

Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.

Dean Wormer

Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

Greg

You're talking about Delta, sir.

Dean Wormer

Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP! This year is going to be different. This year we are going to grab the bull by the BALLS and kick those punks off campus.

Greg

What do you intend to do sir? Delta's already on probation.

Dean Wormer

They are?

Greg

Yes, sir.

Dean Wormer

Oh. Then as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!

Greg

Double Secret Probation, Sir?

Dean Wormer

There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergency. Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter. You live next door. Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit, just like you, right? [Greg nods] The time has come for someone to put their foot down. And that foot is me.

Mayor Carmine De Pasto

If you want this year's homecoming parade in my town, you have to pay for it.

Dean Wormer

Carmine, I don't think it's right that you should extort money from the college.

Mayor Carmine De Pasto

Look, these parades you throw are very expensive. You using my police, my sanitation people, and my Oldsmobiles free of charge. So, if you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken.

Dean Wormer

Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!

Otter

What a tool.

Dean Wormer

I didn't get that, son, what was that?

Otter

Uh, I said, "What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."

Dean Wormer

Put a sock in it, son, or else you'll be outta here like shit through a goose.

Neidermeyer

The following charges are brought: First, that the Delta house did knowingly violate the rules governing pledge recruitment by serving alcohol to freshmen during pledge week and after established drinking hours.

Hoover

I'd like to address these charges one at a time, if l may.

Dean Wormer

You'll get your chance, smart guy. [to Neidermeyer] Get on with it.

Neidermeyer

Second, that for the fifth consecutive semester, Delta has achieved a deficient aggregate grade point average.

Hoover

Half the houses didn't make grades.

Dean Wormer

You will speak when you're told to, and not before! [to Neidermeyer] Read.

Neidermeyer

Third, that the Delta fraternity routinely provided dangerous narcotic diet pills to its members during--

Hoover

That's not true!

Dean Wormer

Not another word!

Neidermeyer

During midterm examination week. And most recently...that a Roman toga party was held from which we have received two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

Otter

Point of parliamentary procedure!

Hoover

Don't screw around, they're serious this time!

Otter

Take it easy, I'm pre-law.

Boon

I thought you were pre-med.

Otter

What's the difference?

Otter

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did. [winks at Dean Wormer] But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

Greg

Order!

Dean Wormer

You've done it this time buster! No more Delta! I'm calling the national office! I'm going to revoke your charter! And if you wiseguys do one more thing, one more, I'm going to kick you out of college! No more fun of any kind!

Dean Wormer

Where are the other two - Stratton and Schoenstein?

Hoover

We can't find them, sir. We looked everywhere, but-

Dean Wormer

Never mind. Did you boys see your grade point averages yet?

Hoover

They're not posted yet, sir.

Dean Wormer

I've seen them. Mr. Kroger, two C's, two D's and an F - that's a 1.2 grade average. Congratulations, Kroger, you're at the top of the Delta pledge class.

Dean Wormer

Mr. Dorfman.

Flounder

Hellooooo.

Dean Wormer

0.2. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta House - 1.6. Four C's and an F. A fine example you set. Daniel Simpson Day has no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blu- [looks up to see that Bluto has stuck pencils up his nose] Mr. Blutarsky. Zero POINT zero. Now I want you to tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein exactly what I'm about to tell you right now.

Hoover

And what's that, sir?

Dean Wormer

You're out! Finished at Faber! Expelled! I want you off this campus at 9:00 Monday morning! And I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I have notified your local draft boards and told them that you are now all, ALL eligible for military service.

Dean Wormer

Well? [Flounder opens his mouth a bit] WELL? [Flounder opens his mouth some more] OUT WITH IT! [Flounder vomits on Dean Wormer]