Carolyn Burnham [To Jane]
Honey, I'm so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn't screw up once!
Tied for 5th most-quoted character in American Beauty (1999): in 18 of its 102 quotes
Most scenes with: Lester Burnham (7), Buddy King (6), Jane Burnham (2)
You cannot count on anyone except yourself.
More lines from Carolyn Burnham
9 quotes Carolyn Burnham Carolyn Burnham You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have. When I was your age, we... lived in a duplex! We didn't even have our own house!
Carolyn Burnham I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today...
Carolyn Burnham This is not just a couch. This is a $4000 sofa upholstered in Italian silk!
Carolyn Burnham [To Lester]
Honey, don't be weird!
Carolyn Burnham I see you're smoking pot now! I'm so glad. I think using illegal psychotropic substances is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
Carolyn Burnham There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.
Carolyn Burnham [to Buddy King]
**** me, your majesty!
Carolyn Burnham I refuse to be a victim!
Scenes with Carolyn Burnham
8 scenes Carolyn What are you doing?
Nothing.
Carolyn You were masturbating!
I was not.
Carolyn Yes you were!
Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!
Carolyn Thats disgusting.
Well forgive me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.
Carolyn So do I!
Really? Well I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
Carolyn [Gets out of bed and turns on the light]
Lester, I refuse to live like this; This is not a marriage.
This hasn't been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well tell you what, I've changed, and the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department.
Carolyn Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?
I'm not? Well then come on, baby, I'm ready!
Carolyn Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't **** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!
Carolyn [at the dinner table]
Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go **** himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Carolyn Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.
And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a **** prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
Carolyn How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
...
I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain.
Carolyn Oh, you don't complain? Then I must be psychotic, then! What is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.
[sits back down to eat]
Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - [looks in Jane's direction] I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!
Carolyn Are you trying to look unattractive?
Yes.
Carolyn Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.
You don't think it's kinda weird & fascist?
Carolyn Possibly, but you don't want to be unemployed.
Oh well, alright, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way.
Carolyn Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't **** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!
Carolyn Well, I see you're smoking pot now. I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grabbing freak.
Janes
[Eating at table with parents listening to Bali Ha'i]
Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music?
Carolyn No. No, we don't. As soon as you've prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that I'm about to eat, you can listen to whatever you like.
Jane
[Suspiciously]
It was okay.
Just okay?
Jane
No, Dad. It was spec... tac... ular.
[Pause]
Well, you want to know how things went at my job today? Now she looks at him as if he's lost his mind. They've hired this efficiency expert, this really friendly guy named Brad, how perfect is that? And he's basically there to make it seem like they're justified in firing somebody, because they couldn't just come right out and say that, could they? No, no, that would be too... honest. And so they've asked us-- [referring to Jane's mockingly indifferent face] you couldn't possibly care any less, could you?
Jane
Well, what do you expect? You can't all of a sudden be my best friend, just because you had a bad day. [Gets up from table and walks to kitchen] I mean, hello. You've barely even spoken to me for months.
Carolyn What?! [Lester silently stares down] WHAT?!
[Driving to a high school basketball game to watch Jane's dance team performance]
Well what makes you so sure she wants us to be there? Did she ask us to come?
Carolyn Burnham Of course not. She doesn't want us to know how important this is to her. But she's been practicing her steps for weeks.
Well, I'll bet money she's going to resent it, and I'm missing the James Bond marathon on TNT.
Carolyn Burnham Lester, this is important. Now, I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane.
"Growing?" She hates me.
Carolyn Burnham She's just willful.
She hates you too.
