Lester Burnham My name is Lester Burnham. This is my neighborhood; this is my street; this is my life. I am 42 years old; in less than a year I will be dead. Of course I don't know that yet, and in a way, I am dead already.
Most-quoted character in American Beauty (1999): in 44 of its 102 quotes
Most scenes with: Buddy King (13), Carolyn Burnham (7), Angela Hayes (3)
Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser and they're right, I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It's never too late to get it back.
More lines from Lester Burnham
26 quotes Lester Burnham Lester Burnham Look at me, jerking off in the shower — this will be the high point of my day. It's all downhill from here.
Lester Burnham That's my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident.
Lester Burnham Janie's a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her.
Lester Burnham You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.
Lester Burnham 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
Lester Burnham This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.
Lester Burnham I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.
Lester Burnham I want to look good naked!
Lester Burnham Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go **** himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Lester Burnham I didn't LOSE it. It's not like 'Whoops! Where did my job go?' I quit.
Lester Burnham It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.
Lester Burnham I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.
Lester Burnham Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but.
Lester Burnham Well the new me whacks off when he feels horny.
Lester Burnham Remember those posters that said, 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life'? Well, that's true of every day but one — the day you die.
Lester Burnham Oh, it's okay. I wouldn't remember me either.
Lester Burnham I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.
Lester Burnham Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.
Lester Burnham We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.
Lester Burnham [To Carolyn]
You don't get to tell me what to do ever again.
Lester Burnham Man, oh man. Man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. * [Last Words]
Lester Burnham We have a very healthy relationship.
Lester Burnham [To Ricky Fitts]
I think you just became my personal hero!
Lester Burnham I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves, from the maple trees that lined our street. Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie... and Janie. And... Carolyn. I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
Lester Burnham [After Angela touches his muscles]
You like muscles.
Scenes with Lester Burnham
17 scenes
Brad Dupree Hey Les, you got a minute?
Lester For you Brad? I've got five!
...
Do you party?
Lester Excuse me?
Do you get high?
Brad Dupree [reading Lester's job description]
"My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.
Lester Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.
...
Lester Well what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot.
Brad Dupree Against who?
Lester Against YOU. Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?
Brad Dupree Man, you are one twisted ****.
Lester Nope, I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.
What are you doing?
Lester Nothing.
You were masturbating!
Lester I was not.
Yes you were!
Lester Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!
Thats disgusting.
Lester Well forgive me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.
So do I!
Lester Really? Well I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
[Gets out of bed and turns on the light]
Lester, I refuse to live like this; This is not a marriage.
Lester This hasn't been a marriage for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well tell you what, I've changed, and the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department.
Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?
Lester I'm not? Well then come on, baby, I'm ready!
Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
Lester On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't **** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!
[at the dinner table]
Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Lester Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go **** himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.
Lester And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a **** prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
...
Lester I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain.
Oh, you don't complain? Then I must be psychotic, then! What is this? Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets.
Lester [throws the asparagus plate at the wall]
Don't interrupt me, honey!
Lester [sits back down to eat]
Oh, yeah, and one more thing, from now on we're going to have alternate dinner music because frankly - and I don't think I'm alone here - [looks in Jane's direction] I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!
Lester You don't think it's kinda weird & fascist?
Possibly, but you don't want to be unemployed.
Lester Oh well, alright, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way.
Mr. Smiley's Manager
I don't think you'd fit in here.
Lester I have fast food experience.
Mr. Smiley's Manager
Yeah, like twenty years ago!
Lester Well, I'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn.
Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!
Lester On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't **** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!
Well, I see you're smoking pot now. I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
Lester You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grabbing freak.
Lester When I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to be able to buy an eight-track.
That sucks.
Lester No, actually it was great. All I did was party and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me.
Lester So Janie, how was school?
It was okay.
Lester Just okay?
Where's your wife?
Lester Uh, I dunno. Probably out **** that dorky, prince-of-real-estate asshole. And you know what? I don't care.
Your wife is with another man and you don't care?
Lester Nope. Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but.
What do you want?
Lester Are you kidding? I want you.
Lester How's Jane?
What do you mean?
Lester I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.
She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love.
Lester Good for her.
How are you?
Lester God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... I'm great.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Lester I'm great.
Brad [To Lester sitting looking forlorn and far away before his desk]
I'm sure you can understand our need to cut corners around here.
Lester Oh, sure. Times are tight, and you gotta free up cash. Gotta spend money to make money. Right?
Brad Exactly. So... [Stands up, ready to usher Lester out]
Lester Like the time when Mr. Flournoy used the company MasterCard to pay for that hooker, and then she used the card numbers and stayed at the St. Regis for, what was it, like, three months?
Brad [Sits back down]
That's unsubstantiated gossip!
Lester That's fifty thousand dollars! That's somebody's salary. That's somebody who's gonna get fired because Craig HAS TO PAY WOMEN TO **** HIM!
Brad Jesus, calm down! Nobody's getting fired yet. That's why we're having everyone write out a job description, mapping out in detail how they contribute. That way, management can assess who's valuable and--
Lester Who's expendable.
Brad It's just business.
Lester I've been writing for this magazine for fourteen years, Brad. You've been here how long, a whole month?
Brad I'm one of the good guys, Les. I'm trying to level with you. This is your one chance to save your job.
Janes
[Eating at table with parents listening to Bali Ha'i]
Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music?
No. No, we don't. As soon as you've prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that I'm about to eat, you can listen to whatever you like.
Lester [Long pause]
So Janie, how was school?
Jane
[Suspiciously]
It was okay.
Lester Just okay?
Jane
No, Dad. It was spec... tac... ular.
Lester [Pause]
Well, you want to know how things went at my job today? Now she looks at him as if he's lost his mind. They've hired this efficiency expert, this really friendly guy named Brad, how perfect is that? And he's basically there to make it seem like they're justified in firing somebody, because they couldn't just come right out and say that, could they? No, no, that would be too... honest. And so they've asked us-- [referring to Jane's mockingly indifferent face] you couldn't possibly care any less, could you?
Jane
Well, what do you expect? You can't all of a sudden be my best friend, just because you had a bad day. [Gets up from table and walks to kitchen] I mean, hello. You've barely even spoken to me for months.
Lester [Noticing Carolyn]
Oh, what, you're mother-of-the-year? You treat her like an employee.
What?! [Lester silently stares down] WHAT?!
Lester [Gets up from table]
I'm going to get some ice cream.
Lester Burnham [Driving to a high school basketball game to watch Jane's dance team performance]
Well what makes you so sure she wants us to be there? Did she ask us to come?
Of course not. She doesn't want us to know how important this is to her. But she's been practicing her steps for weeks.
Lester Burnham Well, I'll bet money she's going to resent it, and I'm missing the James Bond marathon on TNT.
Lester, this is important. Now, I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane.
Lester Burnham "Growing?" She hates me.
She's just willful.
Lester Burnham She hates you too.
Jane and I had a fight. It was about you. She's mad at me because I said I think you're sexy.
Lester So, you gonna tell me? What do you want?
I don't know...What do you want?
Lester Are you kidding? I want you. I've wanted you ever since the first moment I saw you. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
You don't think I'm ordinary?
Lester You couldn't be ordinary if you tried.
Thank you. I don't think there's anything worse than being ordinary. [Opens her blouse, exposing her breasts, and lies back beneath Lester] This is my first time.
Lester [Laughs]
You're kidding.S
I'm sorry. I still want to do it. I just...thought I should tell you, in case you wondered why I wasn't...better. [Lester stops] What's wrong? I thought you said I was beautiful.
Lester You are beautiful. You are so beautiful - and I would be a very lucky man.
I feel so stupid!
Lester Don't...You have nothing to be sorry about...It's okay, everything's okay.
