Mike O' Donnell quotes from 17 Again (2009)

Mike O' Donnell

Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you, or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on.

Mike O' Donnell

Would you stop staring at me!

Ned Gold

It's freaking me out.

Mike O' Donnell

It's freaking me out! I'm pubescent!!!

Ned Gold

We have to go shopping, your shirt is bedazzled.

Mike O' Donnell

Bedazzled with rhinestones!

Mike O' Donnell

I forbid you to go out with that guy.

Oh, so you forbid me? Who the hell do you think you are? My father?

Mike O' Donnell

Listen, girls. If you don't respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?

Nicole

Don't respect me.

No! Don't respect me.

Samantha

You don't even have to remember my name!

Nicole

Okay, wow.

Yeah, that's like, really slutty.

Samantha

I know, right?

Mike O'Donnell

Forget it. This is some other dad's problem.

Janitor

Mike O'Donell!

Mike O' Donnell

Do I know you?

Janitor

No, but I know you.

Mike O' Donnell

Oh, yeah?

Janitor

High school star, never quite lived up to your potential. Sooner or later you all come back to your old school, stand there and look at the picture of the glory days wondering "What might have been". Seems to me you guys are living in the past.

Mike O' Donnell

Well, of course I wanna live in the past. It was better there...

Janitor

I bet you wish you could do it all over again?

Mike O' Donnell

You got that right.

Mike O' Donnell

The divorce isn't final for another two weeks, so you have no right.

Really? I spent the last 18 years of my life listening to you whine about what you could have done without me, and I have no right?

Mike O' Donnell

It's just that I put a lot of work in this yard.

Did you? Really? Like the barbecue pit? Yeah, the way I remember that is that you spent about an hour working on it and then you spent the next two days complaining about how "If you had gone to college then you could have had hired someone else to do it".

Mike O' Donnell

I don't think it was a whole two days...

What about the hammock over here?

Mike O' Donnell

Yeah...

Yeah, I think you quit that one because you just decided not try anymore.

Ned Gold

So what did you learn in school today?

Mike O' Donnell

That I'm a bad dad.

Ned Gold

I thought everything was going great.

Mike O' Donnell

It was going fantastic for me. Then I found out that my son spent the last year as the school punching bag. Then I saw my daughter get a tongue lash from the school psychotic jackass.

Ned Gold

What are you wearing?

Mike O' Donnell

This is cool. This is hip. There's a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the exact same thing. What are you wearing? You're supposed to show up like a dad, you look like Clay Aiken!

Ned Gold

Leave him out of this.

Mike O' Donnell

It's me, Mike O'Donnell, your best friend. You have an undescended testicle.

Ned Gold

Googlable.

Mike O' Donnell

You helped me cheat on a math test, but I got caught.

Ned Gold

Public records.

Mike O' Donnell

You asked Princess Leia to Junior Prom.

Ned Gold

Covered by the local news.

Ned Gold

What are you eating?

Mike O' Donnell

I don't even know, all I know is that I'm hungry...[squirts Cheez-Whiz into his mouth] all the time.