Jason Mantzoukas movie quotes

View Quote [In a flashback, Nadal has led a team in designing a nuclear missile for Wadiya]
General Aladeen: Hmm. It is too round on the top. It needs to be pointy. Round is not scary. Pointy is scary. This will put a smile on the faces of the enemy. They will think that it is a huge robot dildo flying toward them.
Nadal: No, Supreme Leader. The shape of the missile top has nothing to do with aerodynamics. It is about the payload delivery.
General Aladeen: No. It sticks in the ground, and then kaboom.
Nadal: Supreme Leader, I think perhaps some of your information about bombs is coming from cartoons.
General Aladeen:
[theatrical version] Nonsense. I have been watching research films.
[extended version] Nonsense. They were research films. And in them the victims of the bomb would get very sooty faces and then a see-through version of themselves started rising up towards Heaven while playing a harp.
Nadal: In this film, just one question, was there a duck who, when the explosion is happens, his bill goes around to the back of his head, and then in order to talk, he has to put it back this way?
General Aladeen: There was somebody who suffered a deformity like that.
Nadal: I am now 100% sure that you are watching cartoons.
[in the extended version]
General Aladeen: Have you spoken to the experts about this? Have you consulted Professor Bobeye?
Nadal: Who?
General Aladeen: Professor Bobeye. The one with the incredibly strong forearms that are miss-sized for his body.
Nadal: The man you are discussing is called Popeye.
General Aladeen: Bobeye.
Nadal: He is not a professor. Popeye is, as the song tells us, a sailor man.
[end of extended version]
General Aladeen: Indulge me. For one second, pretend that I'm an idiot.
Nadal: Okay, I'm there.
[in the extended version]
General Aladeen: And explain to me how this bomb will not land in Israel and then literally bounce right back and blow up Wadiya.
Nadal: Supreme Leader, let me explain.
General Aladeen: [instantly] You've lost me.
Nadal: [shrugs] This is the missile in Wadiya. You push the button. "Boop!" [he mimics the missile] Israel... [he mimics the explosion, then mimics people screaming] "No! Why! Aaah!" Nuclear winter.
General Aladeen: The reality is... [Aladeen does something similar, except he mimics the missile bouncing back] Oy vey! "Aah!" Us.
Nadal: Believe me, sir. If I could make the device a little more pointy, I would but I simply cannot.
[end of extended version]
General Aladeen: Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree, my friend.
Nadal: Nadal.
[signaling for him to be executed]
Nadal: [while being apprehended] What? Why?! No!

View Quote [Aladeen and Nadal are riding in a helicopter over Manhattan with two American passengers]
General Aladeen: I love being an Americans! America is number one! Oh, I am from U.S.A.! My father also from U.S.A. My great-grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad. I am very proud to be an American, I am America's number one douche. [Speaking different language] I've fooled them. Job done.
Nadal: So, how are things back at the Palace?
General Aladeen: Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house?
Nadal: Ooh, Bin Laden?
General Aladeen: Yes, Osama. Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers... And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden? [Both laugh] Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car?
Nadal: You mean your Porsche?
General Aladeen: Yes... the 911.
Nadal: Oh, Nine Eleven, it's the best.
General Aladeen: So I was driving my 911 near the palace one day... [Imitating crashing effect] and I totally crashed! [Both laugh] It's ok, I've already ordered a new one. A brand new 911 2012.
Nadal: You know, while you are here, you should try to see some of the sights... such as the Empire State Building... and Yankee Stadium.
General Aladeen: And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty. [Imitating explosions; both laugh]
Nadal: Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you?
General Aladeen: Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that I made myself a back brace.
Nadal: Really?
General Aladeen: Yes, look, I'm still wearing it. [He reveals to wear something resembling an explosive vest) Hey, my English is getting good... ...I bet I can count down from five faster than you can!
Aladeen and Nadal: Five, four, three, two, one!

View Quote General Aladeen: I've discovered this amazing thing. I have to show you how to do it. It's called self juicing, You put your hand on your bilbul and you rub it, and then you can make your own labeneh come out. You don't have to spend any Rolexes. You don't have to give any dirty diamonds.
Nadal: I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with an adult man.
General Aladeen: What do you mean? You knew about this?
Nadal: Everybody knows about this. We all know about this from the age of 12, 13.
General Aladeen: Why does nobody ever tell me anything?
Nadal: Because you have everybody executed who tells you anything.

View Quote Mr. Ross: You guys. We gotta stop running into each other like this.
Mordecai: Step aside, Ross.
Rigby: Yeah, it's time to finish this!
Mr. Ross: I'LL BE FINISHED WHEN TIME IS ERASED, AND YOU TWO ARE DEAD!!!
(He starts shooting at the two friends.) Mordecai: Stay with the plutonium.
Rigby: Aah! Mordecai!
(He charges at Mr. Ross, grabs his arm and Mr. Ross shoots at the crystal, which zaps and blasts the floor and it falls down) Mordecai: You were the worst teacher!
Mr. Ross: Stuff it!
(He bites Mr. Ross' arm, which makes him drop the gun and kicks it aside. He punches Mr. Ross to the ground, then he gets up, but gets shot by Rigby) Mr. Ross: Yoo-hoo! (punches Rigby)
Mordecai: Rigby!
(Mr. Ross teleports behind him and punches him) Mordecai: Show yourself!
(Mr. Ross teleports near him and punches him three times, but Rigby jumps into his face and tackles him, but he throws Rigby at the crystal, which electrocutes him, then Mordecai charges at the box of plutonium) Mr. Ross: NOOO!!
(Mordecai and the box of plutonium fall to another floor and Mordecai is knocked out as the box lid breaks) Rigby: Mordecai!
(Mr. Ross teleports to Mordecai and grabs him by the neck, choking him as Rigby slide down the ladder to rescue Mordecai and headbutts him. He turns to Rigby and lets go of Mordecai) Mr. Ross: I've been waiting a long time for this!
Rigby: I'm sorry for ruining your dumb volleyball game, okay?! Just let it go, man!
Mr. Ross: "Let it go?!" Do youi know what it feels like to dedicate your life to something and then have it ruined?!
(Rigby looks at Mordecai.) Rigby: Yes I do. And I'm going to work hard to make it right! Mordecai, now!!
(He runs to Mr. Ross pushes him. Rigby trips him and then Mr. Ross falls to his death. Rigby helps Mordecai up.) Mordecai: Thanks.
(The ship shows up, and the others get out.) Skips: You guys alright?
Mordecai: Yeah.
Skips: Whoa, is he gonna regenerate?
Mordecai: No, the fall must have broken his neck collar.
Skips: Let's do what we came here to do.
Rigby: Wait, I need to say something. (to Mordecai) Mordecai, this is all my fault. If I haven't change the letter, you wouldn't have wanted to go back in time and the Timenado would never been created.
Mordecai: Well, I think Mr. Ross had it out for you anyways.
Rigby: It doesn't matter. I robbed you of your future because I was being selfish. You're the only friend I ever had and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. I held you back and ruined your life, and I'm sorry.
Mordecai: Dude, you didn't ruin my life. What you did was messed up. But I think before I was putting too much blame on you for how things turned out. I've made plenty of mistakes on my own for sure. And if you didn't do what you did, maybe things would have been different. But I take work at a lame job at a park with my best friend, any day.
Rigby: Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph
Mordecai: Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph.
Mordecai and Rigby: Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph-hmph hmph-hmph-hmph.
(Rigby goes to the box of plutonium.) Rigby: Now get out of here. I'm going take care of this on my own.
Mordecai: Rigby, no! You don't have a protective suit, you'll die!
Rigby: I'm tired of you always fixing my problems. This time I'm going to fix it!
Mordecai: No!
Skips: Come on! We've gotta go!
Rigby: Hey Mordecai, one more thing! Saving the world is the best thing I've ever done. So if you can get Benson to make a sweet bronze statue of me to put at the front of the park, that'll be really cool.
Mordecai: NOOOO!
Skips: We have to leave him!
(Rigby lifts up the box of plutonium to the crystal, but is too weak to do it) Skips: Mordecai, it's too late!
Mordecai: No it's not!
(He pushes Skips away and goes to help Rigby.) Mordecai: Rigby!
Rigby: Mordecai, what are you doing?!
Mordecai: I can't let you do this by yourself. Plus, I want to be part of that statue, too.
(They carry the box of plutonium to the crystal, but Mr. Ross regenerates and teleports in front of them) Mr. Ross: (laughs) The game's not over yet, boys! NOW, WHO'S READY TO DIE?! RAAAHHH!!! (Charges at the two friends)
Rigby: NOOO!
Techmo: Rigby, catch!
(He throws his galaxy sword to Rigby, and he jump towards Mr. Ross) Mr. Ross: What the...?
(Rigby swipes the sword at Mr. Ross' neck collar) Mr. Ross: Ha, you missed!
Rigby: Did I?
Mr. Ross: Uh, yeah, you did. (His neck collar breaks) What?
Rigby: Set me up, Mordecai!
(Mordecai sets Rigby up, sends him flying and he hits Mr. Ross' face like a volleyball, sending his head flying) Mr. Ross: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! (His reverse collar revives him all over again) NOOOOOOOO!!! (As he continues screaming, his body retreats) NOOOOOOO!!! This hurts way more than I thought it would!
Rigby: Come on, let's finish this!
(He and Mordecai lift the box of plutonium and threw it to the crystal, which destroys the box and it glows, then they retreat to Rigby's ship with the rest of the guys, and as they escape, the Timenado explodes, and the timeline goes back to normal. Cut to West Anderson High where a reporter of Channel 6. reports about the destroyed science lab.) Reporter: Yes, sad news. A explosion at West Anderson High, has left the entire science department destroyed. Let's go to our area cover jumping Chopper 6, Frank.
Frank Smith: I tell you, Jim. It's pretty crazy down there, I've never seen anything like this.
Past Margret: Whooooa.
Frank Smith: Margret, stay back sweetie.
Principal Dean: So you're telling me you've tried to make a time machine using Mr. Ross' plutonium, and blew up the whole science lab?!?
Past Mordecai and Rigby: Yeah.
Past Mr. Ross: Okay, I can expl- (Principal Dean punches him in the face and falls down on the floor) Ow! (Principal Dean picks him up in the arm)
Principal Dean: You're going to jail, Ross! And you two, I'm calling your parents, you two are expelled!
Past Rigby: Wait! Before you go, I have something to say something to Mr. Ross. (walks to Mr. Ross) I'm sorry for ruining your state championship game, Mr. Ross. I know it meant a lot to you. And if it wasn't for me, you guys totally could have won. I'm sorry.
Past Mr. Ross: (growls angrily, but is relaxed) That's all I been waiting to hear. *phew* man! I feel so much better now. You know, I was about to plan a crazy complicated revenge plan on you but, now I don't feel like doing that at all. Ha! Now I feel like we can be best friends. You guys want to get burgers, my treat. What do you say, Principal Dean, can we get burgers? Principal Dean: No! You're going to jail!
Past Mr. Ross: Oh yeah.
Principal Dean: Now MARCH!
Past Mr. Ross: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Man! Come on!
Principal Dean: I said march!
(In the park, Past Mordecai and Rigby wave goodbye to the park workers as they return to their own time. Returning to the park, Mordecai props his future self up next to Future Rigby.) Mordecai: Even though they were really cool, I hope we never turn out like them.
Rigby: I promise never to shoot you with a laser.
Mordecai: I promise to never laser you, either. (Upon making these promises, Future Mordecai and Rigby disappear, much to everyone's surprise.)
Mordecai and Rigby: Whoa.
Benson: Well... I guess this wraps a neat little bow around everything.
(Cut to the next day, where we see Benson walking in the hallway to Mordecai & Rigby's room.) Benson: Mordecai, Rigby. A new day of new beginning now you're a little late but we can work on... (He looks to see nothing, then he gets angry, turning red) MORDECAI & RIGBY!!!
(A waiter was picking up a burger and place it in the bag.) Waiter: Okay, that will be $3.95...
(He looks to see ship. The window opens as Rigby peaks out.) Rigby: Uh. Sorry how much?
Waiter: $3.95.
Rigby: Okay. Here you go. (He throws money) Can you just throw a food up here. We're in kinda hurry.
(The waiter throws the bag and Rigby grabs it.) Rigby: Thanks.
Mordecai: Dude! This was a bad idea. We're late!
Rigby: Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again.

View Quote Mr. Ross: Hey Rigby, remember when you ruin my state championship game? Now we're even. OOOOOAAAAAHHHH! [Goes through the portal but pops his head out] This is what you losers sound like and nobody likes it! OOOOOOOOOOAAAA!!!!
[Goes in the portal before it disappears]
Rigby: Mordecai?
Mordecai: I can't believe you, Rigby. All this time you were lying to me?! And what? So you forged my rejection letter, is that it?!
Rigby: Yeah, but...
Mordecai: ARRRRGH! Why would you do that!?
Rigby: I had to. You would have gone off to college without me.
Mordecai: You don't get it, do you!?
Rigby: It was just one lie, I was just trying to-
'Mordecai: It's always just one thing with you! You don't that to your best friend! Arrgh!! You're.... [frustrated] YOU'RE THE REASON I'M STUCK IN THIS DEAD-END JOB!!!
Rigby: Well, I'm stuck, too! Who better to be stuck with than your friend?
Mordecai: You're not my friend. All you ever done is hold me back. And I'm an idiot for not seeing it, until now.
[Rigby, heartbroken, he runs away]

View Quote Future Mordecai: Ceasefire! Rigby and Benson, you're outnumbered! Dude, you can totally stop this bloodshed! Give up!
Future Rigby: Hey, traitor! How's the hand holding up?! [he gets angry, then a warp hole and came out is Mr. Ross]
Mr. Ross: Ha! Ha! Ha! You might want to listen to your little friend here. While you're still alive.
Future Benson: Go stuff it, Ross!
Future Rigby: Yeah! You need to chill out, man! Forget all about erasing time business!
Mr. Ross: "Chill out!?" Oh, I think I was pretty chilled out, when I went to prison because of you and Mordecai's little stunt back in high school But I guess I should thank you for creating this wonderful weapon.
Future Benson: What are you talking about?
Mr. Ross: Mordecai and Rigby created the Timenado.
Future Benson: What?
Future Rigby: LIAR!
Mr. Ross: Oh, I'm the liar?! HA! That's a good one! Isn't that a good one, Mordecai?
Future Mordecai: Yeah, hilarious. I know what you did, Rigby! And I'll never forgive you!
Future Rigby: [gasps]
[flashback]
Past Mordecai: Dude, I didn't get in.
[flashback ends]
Future Benson: Commander Rigby!
Future Rigby: It was such a long time ago! I didn't do anything.
Future Benson: I don't need you to tell what you did. If we get of here, could you fix it? Rigby, fix this. That's an order. RAAAH!!!
Future Rigby: No, Admiral!
Future Benson: Run! Run! [starts shooting forces] This one's for Pops! And Skips! And Muscle Man! And Fives!
[Mr. Ross hits a volleyball bomb at Benson and it blows up and Benson dies]
Future Rigby: Stupid! STUPID!!
[he gets inside his ship and then he takes off, as a blue ship goes after him. Now cut to Future Rigby's ship, Future Rigby is preparing for time travel]
Computer: Time circuits on.
Future Rigby: Take me back to high school! Gotta fix this!
Computer: Calculating time jump.
[Then Future Mordecai's ship shows up and aims his gun at Future Rigby]
Future Mordecai: Stop that ship in the name of Lord Ross!
Future Rigby: What happened to you, man? How can you work for him!?
Future Mordecai: I couldn't stay at the park forever! I have to think about my career!
Future Rigby: What about your friends?
Future Mordecai: We're not friends! We haven't been friends since a long time!
[The the Time button shows up]
Computer: Course, plotted.
Future Mordecai: Press that button and I will shoot you!
Future Rigby: Hey, Mordecai, GO AHEAD!!
[Future Rigby presses the Time warp button, Future Mordecai and Rigby fire each other as Rigby's ship goes faster]

View Quote Are you guys familiar with the cliché, "It's a cliché because it's true? Well, that cliché about clichés being true has never been more true than right now with the cliché, the house always wins."

View Quote [Carl shows his crooked middle finger to Frank]
Carl Shackler: Remember me, mother****er?
Frank Theodorakis: Wow, that looks great.
[Tommy points his revolver at him]
Carl Shackler: Hey, dick****. You're not gonna like Tommy. He doesn't cut off fingers, he cuts off heads.
Tommy Papouli: Shut up.

View Quote Tommy Papouli: Where's the money?
Frank Theodorakis: We just got robbed.
Scott Johansen: Yeah.
Frank Theodorakis: Look, the saves are all empty.
Tommy Papouli: Do you know how many times I see someone point to any empty safe and say we have no money?
Frank Theodorakis: A hundred?
Scott Johansen: 500?
Frank Theodorakis: 30,000.
Tommy Papouli: It's rhetorical, ****stick.
Frank Theodorakis: Okay.
Tommy Papouli: Shut up. This your daughter?
Scott Johansen: Where? Who, her?
Tommy Papouli: Right here.
Scott Johansen: That's such a compliment. This is my wife.
Kate Johansen: Alex?
Scott Johansen: In fact, there's our daughter.
Kate Johansen: There she is. Hello, daughter.
Scott Johansen: Hi, honey.
Kate Johansen: Don't overthink it, just be our daughter.
Scott Johansen: Come right here.
Rachel: I'm not your daughter, that's your--
[Scott pushes her into a desk and she screams]
Scott Johansen: Sorry, Rachel!
Tommy Papouli: The ****'s the matter with you?
Scott Johansen: What?
Tommy Papouli: Shoving a girl like that?
Scott Johansen: We are strict diciplinarians in our household.
Tommy Papouli: Get out of my way. I know this is your daughter.
[takes Alex by the arm]
Alex Johansen: Mom!
Scott Johansen: No, no, no!
[Tommy handcuffs himself to her]
Tommy Papouli: Cuff her.
Scott Johansen: Sweetie.
Alex Johansen: Mom.
Kate Johansen: Honey.
Scott Johansen: No.
Frank Theodorakis: Wait, no. Take me, not her.
Tommy Papouli: No. No one cares if you die.
Frank Theodorakis: Oh, thank god.
Tommy Papouli: Help 'em find the money. Oh, and hey... 300 grand. Or you'll never see your daughter again.
Alex Johansen: Mom! Dad! Help!
Carl Shackler: [raises his crooked middle finger at Scott, Kate, and Frank] **** you.
Alex Johansen: Help!
Carl Shackler: **** you.
Alex Johansen: Let go of me.