Scenes with Don Diego
29 scenes
V Veronica
[Don Diego is lounging in his bed with a beautiful woman.]
Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a good wife?
Don Diego Veronica… you are more exciting than Venus herself.
V Veronica
Then why doesn't my husband ever say that?
Don Diego Because he's not intelligent. He is not intuitive. He is not insightful.
DG Don Garcia
[A man leaps through an open but curtained door.]
And he is not in Barcelona!
. . .
Don Diego Don Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house without my permission!
DG Don Garcia
I might say the same thing about you with my wife!
Don Diego I do not wish to insult you, my dear Garcia, but I could fight four men such as you!
DG Don Garcia
You are quite right, Don Diego.
Don Diego You see?
DG Don Garcia
That is why I brought my FIVE BROTHERS!
Don Diego [Diego arrives in Los Angeles.]
Los Angeles de California. The birthplace… of me.
Don Diego That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak.
Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.
Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident.
Don Diego Accident?
Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle.
. . .
My friend — I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.
[The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.]
Caballeros! I believe you all know each other?
Don Diego Don Diego from San Fernando.
DF Don Francisco
Don Francisco from San Jose.
DF Don Fernando
Don Fernando from San Diego.
DJ Don Jose
Don Jose from San Bernardino.
LO Luis Obispo
Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.
No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?
You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens.
. . .
[to the crowd]
Let your voices be heard! Oppose the… greedy bloodsuckers!
[She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.]
Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.
Don Diego Don Diego Vega. I'm with the… greedy bloodsuckers.
Don Diego The peoples are quite happy working the land for the caballeros!
You don't really believe the people are happy!
Don Diego [quietly]
All I know is the soldiers are very happy shooting the peoples who say the peoples are not happy.
Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn?
Don Diego An inn?! With all your talk about the people, I see you like decent inns! And you wear expensive clothes, not the rags. And you smell of the sultry perfumes, not the… ship oil.
Ship oil? [pauses in puzzlement] You mean the oil from boats?
Don Diego No, ship oil, from the ships in the field.
[slowly]
What ships… in the field?
Don Diego Jou have never heard of the ships in the field? The little, uh… baa-baa-baas?
Don Diego Jes, that is what I said.
No, you said "ship"! Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent.
Don Diego Jou're trying to change the subject from the fact that jou are actually… very wealthy.
Don Diego After all, what poor woman can afford three names? Answer me that if you can, Señorita [counting off on his fingers] Charlotte… Taylor… Wilson.
Don Diego [While Diego was reading his father's letter, Paco has donned his own costume, which makes him look like a life-sized teddy bear.]
What're you supposed to be, eh, a… duck? A bear? Don't be silly — bears don't have ears like that. I will allow you that you are a… a pig, but that is as far as I will go. That's all.
DZ Diego Zorro
[Diego returns the money — and then some — to the old man and his family.]
You recognize that famous sign, eh?
Old Man Oh, yes, Señor. It is a number "2".
DZ Diego Zorro
That is not a "2". That is a "Z"!
Old Man Oh, if you say so, Señor! But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a "2"!
DZ Diego Zorro
Well, I say it is a "Z" — for "El Zorro"!
DZ Diego Zorro
Spread the news… that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat… the feetless!
[Florinda, crawling up a ladder into Diego's bedroom, tells him about Zorro's party intrusion.]
He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha!
Don Diego Well, with Esteban, there is so much material to work with!
[Florinda moans about her miserable life with Esteban.]
Do you realize… that we only make love 12 times a year?
Don Diego Once a month is not too bad!
I mean, 12 times in one night! And then, for the rest of the year — nothing!
Don Diego Tell me… on that one night… does he eat anything especial? Oysters? Raw eggs?
Don Diego Ah!
Diego, darling! Why didn't I marry you instead of him?
Don Diego Perhaps because he asked you and I did not.
[Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro]
Now, lisp like a sissy
Don Diego [lisps]
That's right! Now, swing your hips …
Excellent! Now flap your wrists …
And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do … many terrible things … TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically]
Don Diego [After Esteban skewers the casket in which Florinda is hiding, he leaves. Diego opens the casket to find Florinda, pressed up against one side.]
Florinda, you're not hurt!
[She shakes her bosom.]
Thank God for small favors!
Don Diego [Diego is limping around on his broken foot.]
My father would be very ashamed of me now. To come all this distance, and miss my destiny by… a foot.
Don Diego [The mute Paco gestures wildly at Diego.]
Are jou jelling at me?
Don Diego [A flamboyant stranger presents himself at Don Diego's home.]
I know you?
Know me? Sink me! We were once… womb-mates!
[Diego's brother Ramon, now "Bunny Wigglesworth", heads inside to greet their father.]
… I ought to freshen up and say "Hi-ho!" to the old gent. Tell me, is he still as loud as ever?
Don Diego [Diego looks crestfallen.]
No. The last month, he's been very… quiet.
Don Diego [Diego senses a flaw in Bunny's impersonation of Zorro.]
Dere is-a something wrong with his bowels.
Don Diego Jour bowels! The way you say your "ah", your "ee", and your… "jooz".
[As Bunny Zorro gets a head start on his escape…]
Ah, Padre, with your permission, I would like to make to you a small donation, if I may, to your order.
BZ Bunny Zorro
Your horse and your gold are gift enough! The people thank you, Your Repugnancy!
Now you mock the Church! Now you have me and God against you!
Don Diego Me too!
[Esteban, dressed rather appropriately as Henry VIII, addresses his guards before the ball.]
He is cunning! He is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say, "Here I am!"
Don Diego [Diego, dressed as Zorro, enters the palace.]
Here I am!
Don Diego [Diego admires Florinda's necklace.]
It looks like it'll buy the peoples a lot of houses, maybe even some schools and roads.
Roads? What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere.
DZ Diego Zorro
Now I know it is permitted for a man to be… bulnerable.
DZ Diego Zorro
[As the Alcade's men approach, Zorro takes his leave of Miss Wilson.]
And when I return, we will not have to worry how to pronounce, ah, ah… "bir—"
[The guards move Charlotte away from and Diego onto the execution platform.]
You're the bravest man I have ever met.
Don Diego [nervously]
I'm very impressed with myself, too.
DZ Diego Zorro
[to himself]
One? I have one for every day I'm not going to live!
Don Diego What jou like for a wedding present?
For myself, nothing. But I thought for the people, you might donate your land.
Don Diego I give my land to the peoples? If we give away my land, where you think we gonna live?
Don Diego Boston?!
It's really the only civilized city. The best food, the best art, the best music!
Don Diego The best music. You gotta be joking! I spent a week in Boston once, and I don't think I heard a decent Mariachi player in the city!
Other characters in Zorro, The Gay Blade
