That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak.
Captain Esteban Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.
Played by Ron Leibman 
Zorro, The Gay Blade (1981) · 48 quotes
Zorro, The Gay Blade (1981) · 48 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Zorro, The Gay Blade (1981): in 15 of its 48 quotes
Most scenes with: Don Diego (7), Florinda (2), Bunny Wigglesworth (2)
Scenes with Captain Esteban
15 scenes Captain Esteban Captain Esteban Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident.
Accident?
Captain Esteban Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle.
. . .
Captain Esteban My friend — I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.
Captain Esteban [The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.]
Caballeros! I believe you all know each other?
Don Diego from San Fernando.
Don Francisco
Don Francisco from San Jose.
Don Fernando
Don Fernando from San Diego.
Don Jose
Don Jose from San Bernardino.
Luis Obispo
Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.
Captain Esteban [A peasant is being stretched on the rack.]
That man was three pesos short in paying his taxes. I can assure you that he will never be short again.
Captain Esteban Arrest that woman! Now!
No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?
Captain Esteban You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens.
. . .
[She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.]
Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.
Don Diego Vega. I'm with the… greedy bloodsuckers.
Captain Esteban [Velasquez points out Zorro, who is dancing with Florinda.]
That man in the black sombrero — this is Zero?
Old Man I am certain of it!
Captain Esteban Then the hideous dog you refer to must be my wife, yeah?
Captain Esteban [Zorro crosses swords with the Alcalde.]
Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?
Zorro
Is yours as dull as your wit?
. . .
Captain Esteban You're a little clumsy, are you not, my friend?
Zorro
To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy — I would have to be estupid!
Captain Esteban [A suspicious, crazed Esteban forces an injured Diego to demonstrate his ability to move about.]
Now walking and running and jumping in place, and…
Esteban, Diego
[in unison]
… now walking and running and jumping in place, and now walking and jumping and running in place—
Captain Esteban STOP!
Captain Esteban [Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro]
Now, lisp like a sissy
[lisps]
Captain Esteban That's right! Now, swing your hips …
Captain Esteban Excellent! Now flap your wrists …
Captain Esteban And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do … many terrible things … TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically]
Captain Esteban [Outside Diego's home, Bunny is diguised as a priest wearing crisom velvet monk's robe.]
Tell me, Father — what order commands its priests to wear such strange clothes?
We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He who was Christ's tailor.
Captain Esteban [As Bunny Zorro gets a head start on his escape…]
Ah, Padre, with your permission, I would like to make to you a small donation, if I may, to your order.
Bunny Zorro
Your horse and your gold are gift enough! The people thank you, Your Repugnancy!
Captain Esteban Now you mock the Church! Now you have me and God against you!
Me too!
Captain Esteban FRUITCAKE!
Captain Esteban [After hatching his masked-ball plan to trap Zorro, Esteban embraces his wife passionately.]
Do you know… that little thing… we do… one night… every year?
Yes! Oh, yes!
Captain Esteban [Esteban drops her on the floor and walks off.]
We still have three months to go!
You fink!
Captain Esteban [Esteban, dressed rather appropriately as Henry VIII, addresses his guards before the ball.]
He is cunning! He is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say, "Here I am!"
Captain Esteban [Florinda finally escapes Bunny and complains to her husband.]
Your neck!
Did that woman bruise me? She's got hands like an gorilla!
[She drops her hands to her upper chest, where her necklace isn't.]
Neck! Neck! Neck! Neck!
Captain Esteban [Esteban calls Zorro's bluff, forcing Zorro to surrender to prevent Charlotte's execution.]
I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed.