Zoolander quotes

View Quote J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!
J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as shit were!
Derek Zoolander: But why male models?
J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you.

View Quote [hypnotizing Derek] Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus. I'm just a regular kid and want you to know the real truth about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why, back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!

View Quote Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.

View Quote Hansel: Well, I guess you can Dere-lick my balls.
Derek: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

View Quote Announcer: ...for the past four years, male modeling has been dominated by one man and five syllables: Der-ek Zoo-land-er. [Derek slowly counts the syllables off on his fingers]

View Quote Matilda: [to Katinka] By the way, you were wrong about my outfit. It's the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at JC Penney's. On sale!

View Quote [...] I'm a hot little potato right now!

View Quote Todd! Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?

View Quote We've got thirty years worth of files, right here in this computer, they're gonna bring you down!! [Throws the computer off the balcony, still thinking that the files are _in_ the computer.] [After the computer smashed up on the ground:] Where'd all the files go?

View Quote Larry Zoolander: You're dead to me boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother.

View Quote Derek Zoolander: I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop.
Larry Zoolander: How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see?

View Quote Hansel: Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
Derek Zoolander: Fine.
Hansel: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Derek Zoolander: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Hansel: Well, you go first.

View Quote Katinka: [after throwing Matilda into the street from Mugatu's spa] I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!

View Quote Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.

View Quote Matilda: What time is it?
Derek Zoolander: Almost five.
Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys--
Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak-fest last night."