Withnail I have some extremely distressing news. We've just run out of wine; what are we going to do about it?
More lines from Withnail
20 quotes Withnail Withnail I demand to have some booze!
Withnail How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this. I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum. I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones! Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels.
Withnail We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now!
Withnail Listen, we're bona fide, we're not from London.
Withnail I'm not having this shag sack insulting me! Let him get his drugs out.
Withnail (Ranting on a mountain)
Bastards! You'll all suffer! I'll show the lot of you! I'm gonna be a sta-a-a-a-ar!
Withnail Monty, you terrible ****!
Withnail I assure you I'm not [drunk], officer, honestly. I've only had a few ales.
Withnail There must and shall be aspirin, or I shall die, here, on this **** mountainside!
Withnail These are the sort of windows faces look in at!
Withnail (He spits out a globule of phlegm)
Jesus, look at that. Apart from a raw potato, that's the only solid to have passed my lips in the last 60 hours. I must be ill.
Withnail All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we eat a pork pie, then we drop a couple of Surmontil-50s each. That means we'll miss out on Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.
Withnail Free to those who can afford it, very expensive to those who can't.
Withnail Look at this - accident blackspot? These aren't accidents, they're throwing themselves into the road! Throwing themselves into the road gladly to escape all this hideousness! (Heckles pedestrian) Throw yourself into the road, darling, you haven't got a chance!
Withnail Look at my tongue. It's wearing a yellow sock.
Withnail Don't threaten me with a dead fish!
Withnail Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. I'm not going to understudy anybody. Especially that pimp! Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays. Always full of women staring out of windows, whining about ducks going to Moscow.
Withnail Right, you ****er, I'm going to do the washing up.
Withnail (Paraphrasing Hamlet)
I have of late — but wherefore I know not — lost all my mirth... and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air — look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire — why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties! ...How like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals. And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me. No, nor woman neither... nor woman neither.
Scenes with Withnail
33 scenesWithnail [reading from the paper]: "In a world exclusive interview, 33-year-old shotputter Geoff Woade, who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. 'He used to get in bad tempers and act up,' said his wife. 'He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped, he's much better in our sex life and in our general life.'" Jesus Christ, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the ****er!
Please, I don't feel good.
Withnail That's what you'd say, but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No, he'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull your head off." "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off." "I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head."
Withnail You've had an audition. Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good-looking. I tell you, I've a **** sight more talent than half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?
Well, I don't know. It'll happen.
Withnail Will it? That's what you say. The only programme I'm likely to get on is the **** news.
You know what we should do? I say, you know what we should do?
Withnail How should I possibly know what we should do? What should we do?
Get out of it for a while. Get into the countryside. Rejuvenate.
Withnail Rejuvenate! What good's the countryside? I'm in a park and I'm practically dead.
What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail What happened to my cigar commercial? That's what I want to know. What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.
I wouldn't drink that if I were you.
Withnail Why not?
Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that. That's worse than meths.
Withnail Nonsense, this is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.
If my father was loaded, I'd ask him for some money.
Withnail If your father was my father, you wouldn't get it.
What about what's-his-name?
Withnail What about him?
Why don't you give him a call?
Withnail What for?
Ask him about his house.
Withnail You want me to call what's-his-name and ask him about his house?
Why not?
Withnail All right. What's his number?
I've no idea - I've never met him.
Withnail Well, neither have I. What the **** are you talking about?
My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself.
Withnail Really.
Then you've got to change its drawers for it. Horrible really, but they're like that, the little girls. So we're going to make one that shits itself, as well.
Has he just been busted?
No.
Then why's he wearing that old suit?
Withnail Old suit! This suit was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your **** appendix doesn't mean anything.
Don't get uptight with me, man. Because if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to.
Withnail [They pass some schoolgirls.]
Scrubbers!
Scrubbers
Up yours, granddad!
Withnail Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
Shut up.
Withnail Little tarts. They love it.
Withnail You mean we've come out here in the middle of **** nowhere without aspirins?
Where are we?
Withnail How should I know where we are? I feel like a pig shat in my head.
I happened to be looking for a suit for the coal man two weeks ago. For reasons I can't really discuss with you, the coal man had to go to Jamaica. Got busted coming back through Heathrow, had the weight under his fez. We worked out that it would be handy karma for him to get hold of a suit but he's a very low temperature spade, the coal man. Went into court wearing a kaftan and a bell. This doesn't go down at all well. They can handle the kaftan but they can't handle the bell. So there's this judge sitting there sitting in a cape like **** Batman with this really rather far out looking hat..
Withnail A wig.
No man, this was more like a long white hat. So he looks at the coal man and says "What's all this? This is a court, man. This ain't fancy dress" and the coal man looks at him and says "You think you look normal, your honour?". **** give him two years.
You never discuss your family, do you?
Withnail I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.
Why?
Withnail I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.
Then they must be delighted with your career.
Withnail Are you the farmer? [To Marwood] Shut up, I'll deal with this. [To Parkin] We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Stop saying that, Withnail. Of course he's the **** farmer.
Withnail [Marwood is face to face with a bull after leaving the gate open]
Grab it's ring! Keep your bag up, I'll find it.
Farmer Parkin
Hey! Show no fear! Just run at it!
Well, that can't be sensible, can it? The bastard's about to run at me!
Farmer Parkin
Well, he's randy!
Yes, yeah! I know he is!
Withnail Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows.
Shut up, Withnail!
Farmer Parkin
Run at it, shouting!
Withnail Do as he says, start shouting.
Withnail [Withnail lights a cigarette]
He won't gore you.
A coward, you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls, you are not!
Withnail Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting feelers soon.
There's black pudding in it.
Withnail Black puddings are no good to us. I want something's flesh!
There's the supper!
Withnail What are we supposed to do with that?
Eat it.
Withnail Eat it!? ****er's alive.
Proprietor
The police, Miss Blennerhassit. Telephone the police; tell them there're a couple of drunks in the Penrith tea rooms and we want them removed
Don't do that, Miss Blennerhassit. I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multi-millionaries. We'll buy this place and fire you immediately.
Withnail Yeah, that's right, we'll buy this place and install a **** jukebox and liven all you stiffs up a bit.
The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to twelve skins. It is called a Camberwell carrot.
It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
It is impossible to roll a Camberwell carrot with anything less.
Withnail Who says it's a Camberwell carrot?
I do. I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot.
Withnail [Withnail sees Marwood drinking from bowl with a spoon]
You've got soup. Why didn't I get any soup?
Coffee.
Withnail Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?
Withnail Hold on. Don't let your imagination run away with you.
Imagination? I just finished fighting off a naked man!
[Withnail is speeding down the motorway. Marwood in the back-seat wakes up.]
What's going on?
Withnail I'm making time.
Are you out of your mind? You haven't got a license.
Withnail No, I'm making time.
Cop
[gets pulled over by the police]
I want you to take one deep breath and fill this bag.
Cop
[Withnail shakes his head, "no"]
Are you refusing to fill this bag?
Withnail I, most certainly, am.
Cop
I'm placing you under arrest.
Withnail Don't be ridiculous, I haven't done anything!
Cop
[pulls him to the police van]
C'mon!
Withnail Look here! My cousin's a Q.C.
Cop 2
GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!
Withnail Then stick it in the soap tray and save it for later.
Don't vent your spleen on me. I'm in the same boat.
Withnail Stop saying that! You're not in the same boat. The only thing you're in that I've been in is this **** bath!
Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing. You haven't slept in sixty hours you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail This is the morning. Stand aside!
You don't understand. I think there may be something alive.
Withnail What do you mean? A rat?
It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail Then the ****er will rue the day! Oh Christ Almighty. Synous nicotine based. Keep back, keep back. The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here.
[He picks up the kettle from the stove then throws it suddenly into the sink]
I told you. you've been bitten!
Withnail Burnt, burnt! The **** kettle's on fire.
There's something floating up.
Withnail [with a fork in his hand]
Fork it!
No, no, no. I don't want to touch it.
Withnail You must, you must. The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll never be able to use the dinner service again.
Wake up, you bastard! Wake up! Oi! Wake up, you bastard! You gotta get wood.
Withnail Jesus! You're covered in shit.
I tried to get the fuel and wood. There's a miserable little pensioner down there. She wouldn't give it to me.
Withnail Where are we gonna get it, then?
There's a man on the mountain. Why he's up there, **** knows. But he's up there with a leg in polythene. You can't miss him. He's your man. And have another look in that shed. Find anything. If you can't find anything, bring in the shed.
Where is [Monty]?
Withnail Sulking up the hill. He says he won't come in for lunch without an apology.
Suits me. He can eat his **** radish.
Withnail Have you been at the controls?
What are you talking about?
Withnail The thermostats! What have you done to them?
I haven't touched them.
Withnail Then why has my head gone numb? I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!
Withnail Where is he? I'm utterly arseholed.
We're early. We want to get in there, don't we? Eat some cake. Soak up the booze.
Withnail Have you got soup? Why don't I get any soup?
Coffee.
Withnail Why don't you use a cup like any other human being?
Why don't you wash up occasionally like any other human being?
Withnail (Appalled)
How dare you! How dare you! How dare you call me inhumane?!
I didn't call you inhumane. You merely imagined it. Calm down.
Withnail Right you ****er, I'm going to do the washing up!
No, you can't, it's impossible. I swear to you, I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there - there's a teabag growing! You haven't slept in 60 hours, you're in no shape to tackle it. Wait till the morning and we'll go in together.
Withnail This is the morning. Stand aside!
No, you don't understand! I think there may be something living in there.
Withnail What do you mean, a rat?
It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail Then the ****er will rue the day!
Withnail Would it be in bad form to plagiarise a toast?
Depends entirely on the quality of the wine. In this case, it most certainly would not.
Withnail In that case, "To a delightful weekend in the country."
Withnail 'Scuse me. We were wondering if we could possibly purchase a pheasant off of you.
No. I've got nothing to sell.
Withnail Come on, old boy. What's in your hump?
Now look, you. These pheasants are for my pot. These eels here are for his pot. What makes you possibly think I've got anything for your pot?
Withnail What pot?
The cooking pot.
Withnail, you bastard, wake up. Wake up, you bastard or I burn this bastard bed down!
Withnail (Stirring)
I deny all accusations. What do you want?
I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering. And I've come in here with the express intention of wishing one on you! Having said that, I now intend to leave for London.
Withnail Hold on, don't let your imagination run away with you...
Imagination! I have just finished fighting a naked man! How dare you tell him I'm a toilet trader?!
Withnail Tactical necessity. If I hadn't told him you were active we'd never have got the cottage.
I'd never have wanted it, not with him in it!
Withnail I never thought he'd come all this way.
Monty? He'd go to New York!
Withnail Calculated risk.
What is all this "tactical necessity" and "calculated risk?!" This is me, naked in a corner! And how dare you tell him I love you?! And how dare you tell him you rejected me?! How dare you tell him that?!
Withnail (Wry smile)
Sorry about that. Got a bit carried away. Sort of said it without thinking.
(Takes the shotgun)
Well let me tell you something, Withnail. If he comes into my room again, it's murder, and you'll be held responsible in law!
